At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them
answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in
answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you
will be able to:
Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+
topics.
My sister has a brain tumor. This was diagnosed 7 years ago. She went in for a biopsy, finally, yesterday. It didn't go well and she is in critical condition. However, she will probably live. No one knows how long. She seems stable, per the hospital this AM.
I am getting major pressure from my Mother and guilt to go see her and not only do I not want to, I don't feel bad about it. I feel empty.
The problem is that I am back in college and have exams this week. The way classes are structured, I will have to drop out and start again next winter. I am in my mid-40's so I don't have my whole life to continue my education and change careers.
Background on why I feel like I do:
My parents divorced when I was 12, sister was 15. My sister and I were typical I suppose. Since she was older she got more attention and she was prettier, slimmer and more outgoing than I. I was very shy, tall, too chubby and read a lot. (according to our Mother).
After the divorce our Mother called us "millstones around her neck". We interfered with her attempts to get remarried. (No one wanted a married woman with 2 kids per our mother; I had to say I was her sister to one of her boyfriends in an attempt to fool him into thinking she was not a mother)
My sister started dating a man 10 years older when she was 17. My mother accused her of "fornication" and told her to dump the guy or she could move out. My sister moved out. She dropped out of high school and she and her boyfriend lived in his grandmothers basement. My mother wouldn't speak or see them until they were married...they were fornicating so she couldn't/wouldn't. (religious stuff)
My sister got pregnant and married within 6 months. She and her husband each brought out the worst in each other. She became meaner than she had been. She and he demanded money from our divorced parents telling them they owed her for a rotten childhood. (it was dysfunctional at best; dad remarried a woman just like our mother, surprise)
Father refused and Mom gave money to them under the table, thinking I would not know. I was 15 when my sister married.
After sister had the baby I was the weekend babysitter. I drove to their apartment (he finally got a job in construction which he felt he was too good for) and babysat while they went out and partied. And they partied. My BIL was dealing drugs on the side. Sis knew and so did I.
Suddenly, there was a cutoff. I would call and get the answering machine. Same if my mom called them. They didn't call back. I drove to their home and asked what was wrong? My BIL cracked the door, said "nothing" and slammed it in my face.
I was 18 at the time and just starting college at the community college. I took out student loans and got Pell grants. Neither parent contributed to college.
Within months my sister and brother-in-law disappeared. No word from them nor his family (in Baltimore).
Out of the blue, about 3 years later, my sister called my Mom, asked for money (their electricity was being cut off) and told my Mom they had to leave Chicago for Baltimore because the Italian Mobsters were after her husband. My Mom tried to get information on how/why etc. and my Sister would only say her Husband got on the wrong side of them doing some work for them. What type of honest work does a non-Italian do for a Mobster? (rhetorical)
My sister called me out of the blue and acted like we had spoken last week. When I asked why she hadn’t spoken to me in almost 4 years, she said she was busy. I tried to carry on a normal relationship with her. Every few months, sometimes 12-18 months, it would go dark. I would call and call, leave message after message and get no response.
Then, again, after 3-5 years, she would call our Mom for money, call me and then a few months later, poof! Gone. We would not get our calls or messages returned.
During this time, my sister became nastier and nastier. If I disagreed with her on anything she would call me names. She always did when we were kids, however, these came based upon my belief in a different politician to why stop signs were required at certain intersections. No matter what I said I thought, she’d call me stupid and tell me why.
She firmly believes that she is smarter, better and all around stellar.
She would ask what my husband did and if he got promoted, she would say he was a suck up. She called us greedy when he got a raise. Needless to say after a couple of times of trying to share our good fortune with her hoping for a “congratulations, that’s great”, I gave up.
During this time I sent Xmas cards, Bday cards and gifts to my nephew. Never got a thank you or acknowledgement of any of them.
One year my brother-in-law started calling in the middle of the night and he would tell me he didn’t find her attractive anymore. He wanted to “f—k me, lick me….” Etc. He said the most vile, obscene things to me, I was sickened. He did this 3 times. Each time I told him he was disgusting, don’t call etc. I told him he should be saying and doing this to his wife, my sister. I would then hang up.
I found out he was doing it to my Mother at the same time!!! Her son-in-law was sexually/verbally assaulting us at the same time. My Mother insisted on telling my Sister who promptly said my Mother and I were jealous of her and her handsome husband and she would never speak to us again.
7 years later I get a call from my Sister acting like it was last week. It was 2001. I warily told her what was new (I had gone on to law school, husband got his MBA) and she sent me some E-mails that only confirmed my beliefs that she was crazy. If not crazy, a narcissistic personality. An uncle died a few months later and we agreed to meet in Chicago and go to the funeral. My mother paid for my sister and her now 25 year old son to come to Chicago and put them up in a hotel. I hadn’t seen my sister in about 12 years.
We chatted and she told me what a great person she was. I only told her I had a boring life. We went to the funeral, saw our father for the first time in years, and went home. I tried to call her and got no return calls. I tried and tried for 4 weeks to call her. A couple of times the phone was picked up and I heard her say “Tell her to get f__d”. click. The phone was slammed down. I gave up.
Then, in October, about 6 weeks later, I got an E-mail from her. It was 26 printed pages long. She told me she loved me but since I was loser and a total wreck, she didn’t want anything to do with me. She brought up stuff from our childhood (35-40 years) and made it clear I was a complete and utter disappointment to her. (?!)
She told me that she wouldn’t accept any apology I might make to her and I she was done with me. Don’t contact her. She had a life to live and it was better off without me.
During this time I found out, from our Mother, she had a brain tumor.
I honored her wishes and never got in touch with her. I sent the E-mail to both parents so they could see what I was subjected to.
Father didn’t respond. Mother said she was just a confused young woman and I should call and apologize to her! I told our Mother no. I refuse to apologize for yanking her ponytail when I was 8. An similar things.
I refused to be bullied and emotionally blackmailed after being verbally abused by her. She also called my husband all kinds of names. During this time, over 25 years, she and her husband worked sporadically and my Mother supported them.
Since then my Mother has waged a war with me, trying to get me to call Sis and just “get over it”. In the mean time, my sister, under the guise of sending my mother E-mail, sent some to me. She calls me some more vile names and, again, calls my husband names. (she met my husband 2 times.) This has happened 3 times over the last 7 years. My Mother has dismissed each one and then will lie to cover for my sister. My Mother is another issue.....
2 months ago my Mom told me she was finally getting a biopsy for her brain tumor. My Mother insisted I phone her, patch things up because blood it thicker than water, etc. I gave in and called. My sister called me after my 3rd and final attempt.
She picked up like all the previous times. Telling me what a brilliant person she was, how stupid our Mother is and why our Mother won’t give her more money. I just listen and go “Hmmm”, “huh”, “grunt”.
I have spoken to her 2x and E-mailed 3-4. One of her calls and E-mails was a racist, hate filled rant on stuff I was shocked to hear someone say let alone write.
Suddenly, this week, I get a call from my Mom, telling me she is getting her biopsy and she will be a vegetable from it. I got her to calm her down, telling Mom that between all the research we have both done there is a very good chance it will go well and after radiation she will be OK.
My Mom demanded that I drop everything and go see my Sister. I refused. My Mother said I was a selfish, amoral, horrible person. How could I let my only sister die without me there?
Frankly, I feel numb. I don’t feel like she is my sister. After all the years of no contact and then some, then none, etc., she is like an annoying acquaintance. After her last diatribe and horrible E-mails I resolved to not be drawn into her world or games. Our mother can. She has given my Sister approximately $100,000 over the years and somehow feels guilty for throwing her out of the house all those years ago.
I am wondering if I am abnormal? Is this amoral? I feel empty thinking about my sister. I just don’t feel an obligation to go sit by my Sisters bedside. I will go to her funeral.
My husband is neutral. I never showed him the main hate filled E-mail from her. Just that she had some really uncharitable things to say about him. He has never once told me to cut her off, or that she is a loon. Nothing. He is praying for her anyway. (he has very strong faith, I do not)
Any advice? Comments? Sorry for the length. I felt background was necessary. Thank you for any guidance.
I'm surprised you are not catatonic after all of this. I have a brother and sister that have done incredible wrong to me. But I was there to watch their messed up lives, I like to think that they had certain weaknesses that made them more vulnerable, and thats what made them who they are today. For that, I believe I will forgive them one day.
Good luck to you.
Today or very soon, pick a quiet place. Preferably a park or near a lake or a place where you can connect with nature. Then, start to meditate and say (God-even now, in my numbness- I can feel I'm human. It helps to know that the one I love-despite of the pain and numbness-will see me again one last time.) I myself wonder if God sometimes doesn't take the time to communicate with someone who sees only darkness and dead ends. I struggle with feelings of remorse all the time. Life is not perfect, many times it's painful and confusing. You might often ask yourself, why me? Why can't I have a normal loving family? When I ask myself that question, I picture myself in the future with children of my own and picture them hugging me and loving me and it gives me hope. The hope is to turn around all the pain I went through into love. Having the Lord or Jesus as your friend will give you companionship and you will never be alone in your life. I've never talked to a priest either, and now I'm considering the idea and that's thanks to your post. Reading that other people go through similar situations and giving you advice helps me contemplate my own thoughts. Best wishes for you. Let us know how it went.
I apologize for not responding sooner. My sister is out of intensive care and actually in a rehab facility for PT and OT. She needs help gaining strength and coordination.
I don't even know, at this point, if she is terminal or not. I can't get a straight answer out of my brother-in-law or my mother. My brother-in-law, who I spoke to a couple of times, speaks in abstract and I just give up and tell him I'll call later. With my Mother, she says she doesn't know and it doesn't matter. As long as Sis is alive, it doesn't matter. Huh?
My mother keeps trying to get me to commit to visiting my sister and/or calling her everyday to "uplift" her. I know my calls so far (4) have not uplifted her. Sis complained about everything and everybody and we spoke for a few minutes before she would say she was busy and had to go. (busy? in a IC)
I do believe my mother wants my sister and I to have a relationship like she and her sisters do not and did not. She simply won't accept that my sister has been vile (even though witnessing it) and insists that since she could die, I should just get over it.
Dysfunctional doesn't even come close to describing our family. (My mom's side especially; dad's was typically dysfunctional)
I have decided to not visit at this time and see what happens over the next few months. My sister is supposed to start radiation in the next few months.
I'll be on summer break for a few weeks and will be taking summer classes, so it won't be possible for a longer than a weekend visit. Which is good. I don't want to see them longer than a day or two.
Again, I apologize for not getting back sooner. Thanks for letting me vent and listening. And for the advice. It is wonderful to get opinions from people who are not emotionally involved in the situation.
I apologize for not responding sooner. My sister is out of intensive care and actually in a rehab facility for PT and OT. She needs help gaining strength and coordination.
I don't even know, at this point, if she is terminal or not. I can't get a straight answer out of my brother-in-law or my mother. My brother-in-law, who I spoke to a couple of times, speaks in abstract and I just give up and tell him I'll call later. With my Mother, she says she doesn't know and it doesn't matter. As long as Sis is alive, it doesn't matter. Huh?
My mother keeps trying to get me to commit to visiting my sister and/or calling her everyday to "uplift" her. I know my calls so far (4) have not uplifted her. Sis complained about everything and everybody and we spoke for a few minutes before she would say she was busy and had to go. (busy? in a IC)
I do believe my mother wants my sister and I to have a relationship like she and her sisters do not and did not. She simply won't accept that my sister has been vile (even though witnessing it) and insists that since she could die, I should just get over it.
Dysfunctional doesn't even come close to describing our family. (My mom's side especially; dad's was typically dysfunctional)
I have decided to not visit at this time and see what happens over the next few months. My sister is supposed to start radiation in the next few months.
I'll be on summer break for a few weeks and will be taking summer classes, so it won't be possible for a longer than a weekend visit. Which is good. I don't want to see them longer than a day or two.
Again, I apologize for not getting back sooner. Thanks for letting me vent and listening. And for the advice. It is wonderful to get opinions from people who are not emotionally involved in the situation.
I'm glad your sister seems to be doing better! You just keep doing what you think is right for you. If you feel that it's better for you to not visit/call all the time, then that's ok in my opinion. If you feel that your phone calls don't make your sister feel better and that she doesn't want the calls, then don't let your mom guilt trip you. You could always send a card or an email when she gets back home to say "hey, hope you're feeling better" , maybe that would get your mom off your back a little! Like I said, don't let her guilt trip you because you don't have to have the same relationship with your sister that she had with hers. That was her life, this is yours and the situation is different. So don't feel badly. Hope all goes well for you!
Linear Mode
