[distraghtmama]

End of May 2005 I lost my house due to financial reasons. I stayed until the very last day and that is when law enforcement came to the door and "evicted" us. I had previously been searching for another place to live but had no luck in that. Sadly, my three children were there to witness the entire thing. Decisions were made that day under duress and I felt like I did the right thing. Knowing we had nowhere to live I decided to call family and put the kids with them on a TEMPORARY basis. In doing so I had to sign over temporary custody so the kids could enroll in school as well as other legal reasons. Once again I felt like I was doing the right thing... now I am not so sure about that. All hell has broken loose. My kids are 17m, 16m and 8g. The 16 and 8 y/o are with my ex-inlaws and the 17 y/o is with my grandmother (his great grandmother). The oldest is thriving and comes home often... there are no problems with that arrangement. BUT the younger two on the other hand are not. For the last two years I have only been "allowed" to spend an hour or two here and there with my daughter... they let me see my son anytime allowing him to spend weekends and even weeks with me... he will be coming home permanantly after school ends. My little girl is suffereing... they won't let me take her on my own, they won't let her come to my home, they won't let my family take her for a day much less holidays and family gatherings. She is starting to get angry with me and making comments such as "Mommy please don't forget about me" and "why won't you let me come over to your house like my brothers get to?" It's breaking our hearts. The ex-inlaws are causing alienation of affection and I have no control over it. I never ever abused my kids, neglected them or EVER put them in harms way. NEVER!! They act like I am a monster. They tell me that the only way I can see her is on there conditions only... which is to go to my ex-husbands home or to the ex-inlaws home. That makes for a very uncomfortable visit. I have done it numerous times. I would call to speak to her on the phone to tell her goodnight or ask her about her day at school and I am always told that she isn't there or in the bath tub or even outside. I finally quit calling to just chat because its obvious to me they won't allow it. Just this month my brother got married and my 3 kids were all in the wedding... the two oldest were there but not my little princess. She was allowed to go to the rehearsal dinner but when my exhusband was picking her up after the party he was confronted by my father regarding $3500 he was ordered by court to repay him. That rubbed my ex-husband the wrong way. The following day I called the ex-inlaws to make arrangements for the wedding and I was told that she would not be allowed to attend because no one is respecting them for taking care of the kids. But actually that's so far from the truth... my family doesn't offer money for the kids because they aren't like that not with any of the family members. They send birthday, Christmas and TRY to see them on a regular basis but are always told that the kids have other plans or it won't work out that day or some other lame excuse. My family loves my kids... all three of them... and feels like our hands are tied. I know this is not fair to my family but most importantly my daughter. I know I have rights as does my family and we are all being denied them. I need advice and help, I don't have money for a lawyer and I am not at all familiar with my legal rights, the in-laws and my ex-husband have ulterior motives. I am getting more and more angry by the day. I have nightly dreams about my daughter. I hurt tremendously and I can only imagine what this is doing to my daughters growing and very impressionable mind.

At the time I decided to put my kids with family I felt in my heart that I was doing the right thing for them... an unselfish act. Hell, I could have brought them along with me to shelters, friends homes, hotels and occasional nights sleeping in the family van, but I knew in my heart that no matter how badly it hurt to separated from the kids I had no other choice. Now, I just don't know anymore.

I am looking for advice from anyone who can offer it. Please don't hesitate to ask questions, I will offer honest answers and I will do my best at recalling every detail needed. Thank you very much and look forward to reading all responses.

[Bluerose]

You expressed that very well so I have only one question. Why don’t you have a solicitor fighting for you to get your child back? It sounds like you are in reduced circumstances and should be entitled to legal aid.

I feel for you and I will have my fingers crossed for you.

I am a grandmother with a grandson living with me, taken from his mum when she hurt him when he was a baby, haven‘t seen her in almost 14 years. His dad my son remarried and had another two little boys very close together, my grandson 11 at the time had felt pushed out and very unhappy and asked to come and live with me. I applied for a residency order and the judge granted it saying that the young man had voted with his feet - made the decision for himself - he was only 11 then. Been with me two years, will be 14 soon, has only saw his dad about five times - his dad’s choice nothing to do with me.

No matter what happens, keep that contact with your daughter and don’t be put off so easily from talking to her. Keep at them until they let you talk to her ’just for peace’.

I would also like to suggest that you keep a journal and a record of all contact and attempted contact and all telephone messages, it can be used to prove how hard you are trying to get your daughter back should it go to court.

You are not wrong. And as upsetting as this might be for your daughter, you must be seen to be fighting for her because you want her, you love her. Hopefully she’ll get the message and will understand it much better when she is older.

[Anayden]

Are you working now? Do you have a STABLE home? It seems to me like they are trying to turn her against you. Or keep her for themselves. Why? Because maybe they think if you take her they won't ever see her again. I feel for you, really I do. My mom abandoned my sister and I when I was only 12 and my sister had just turned 5 for a man she was only with for 3mths. She only gave us christmas presents that year of stuff you would give to a 3 or 4 year old for my sister and me, and I was 12! After that we had to make contact with her, she never tried. And recently she went to Africa and Jamaica and didn't even have the decentcy to come see her kids... im grown now so I don't need her as much but my sister is now 15 and that is the time you need your mom the most. I adore you very much for actually wanting your kids. I have 2 of my own and I could only imagine what you are going through. I hope to GOD some way everything will work out. Get a lawyer hun. If you have a job and a stable place then I don't c y the judge wouldn't side with you. All the best and let me know how it went.

[distraghtmama]

Thanks for your responses. I do work and have had a job almost the entire 2 years. Despite the fact that I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer recently and have been quite sick for the last year or so. The ex-inlaws have assumed that I had little interest in the kids during those days that I literally couldn't get out of bed therefore having to cancel a scheduled visit. I have worked extra hard obtaining the goal of getting my kids home, I saved money, worked extra shifts, carefully chose the right area to rent so that my kids could continue attending the same school avoiding anymore disruptions in their lives. Now, I feel like giving up... but how could I... not for a million dollars, I'll fight until the end. Those people have messed with my head, causing doubt in myself and my parenting abilities. I have now had a stable home in the same school district as the kids for 6 months now. It took a long time to achieve my goals and to finally rent a place of my own. As I said in my post I CANNOT afford a lawyer and I can't find anyone to help me figure out where to go from here. The temporary custody took place in St Charles County (Missouri) it consisted of my filling out a questionnaire regarding my circumstances and signing the bottom... my ex-husband had to fill out the same paperwork giving full temporary custody to his parents. Now they are working together, she is living with him75% of the time and they can't even give me the courtesy of spending a mother daughter day bowling, shopping or even giggling at my house as we watch a funny movie together. I am to the point that I miss the little things families do together... grocery shopping, school supply shopping etc. This has got to stop.

[NowWhat]

If you are so bad - in their eyes - why do they allow the one kid to come and visit and not the other? Is it an age thing - they can control the 8 year old and not the 16 year old? I think the court would see it as "talking out of both sides of their mouth" if you are so bad - then wouldn't they prohibit you from both kids?

You made a hard choice - and it was the right one. You put your kids FIRST and that is never a wrong choice. I know you are uncomfortable going to their home to visit your daughter - but you must do it. Try and send them letters (you will know if they get them from the 16 year old) If they don't give your little one hers - send it in with the brother's and only address the outside to him. Try and make as much contact as possible. Drive them crazy with phone calls.
Don't give up - this is your daughter and they can't change that.
Good Luck

[beep_beep]

If you signed over the rights... she is theirs. Ask them what you can do for them to see your daughter? Clean the house? Send them some money to 'repay' something?