Where do his loyalties lie?

qtie8411 · Feb 11, 2005, 03:54 PM

Hi

Im new to this so Ill make it as quick as possible. I met this guy a few months ago... we went on a date and he was honest with me and told me he lives with his girlfriend but currently isn't happy but is confused about his situation. Needless to say I didn't see him again but we continued to talk. We lost contact after a few months and out of the blue he contacted me. We met for dinner and his situation is still the same, he is with his girlfriend living together. I would really like to get know him better. He is still confused about his feelings for his girlfriend and told me he is staying with her because they bought a house together and he has invested a lot of money and in it. I think it's a stupid reason for not leaving someone. I am 28 he is 33. My question is should I wait and see if he breaks up with her... OR better yet how can I get them to break up?

QT

justjamestx · Feb 11, 2005, 10:54 PM

I too am new to this so my advice should be taken with a grain of salt. From my point of view it appears that perhaps this guy does not love you the same as you love him. I mean if he truly loved you then a house or any material thing would not be a valid reason for staying. You mentioned that you have only gone on one date, then talked a few time, and lost contact. With such little contact how could you possibly know that the two of you have such love for one another? So I am confused just with the comment in general. It appears that people are so afraid to live alone that they settle to be with someone, anyone just not to be alone. I believe that there can be a lot of personal growth in time alone. Time is the answer, so just give it time. It is better to be alone, than be in a relationship with the feeling of being alone or trapped. If both parties in a relationship do not have mutual love for one another, then in time the relationship become bothersome and will in time shall fail. Not sure if I was able to help you at all, but just the same I wish you the very best of luck!!

WhenWillIBeLoved · Feb 12, 2005, 06:15 PM

He is still confused about his feelings for his girlfriend and
Told me he is staying with her because they bought a house together and he has invested a lot of money and in it. I think it's a stupid reason for not leaving someone. <<

This situation seems to be coming more and more common nowadays. He says he's confused about his feelings for his girlfriend, huh? Has he mentioned what exactly he's confused about? Have you specifically ask him? You need to sit down with this guy and have a serious one-on-one talk with him. Find out why he is not happy in his relationship. Is the relationship plagued with communication problems? Is he not satisfied sexually with her? Does he just wish he had more freedom? I mean, what exactly is he confused about? Ask him. Investing in him emotionally may or may not be a wise decision. I think he needs a friend. He may be worthwhile, or he may be using you. This sort of a relationship you two are entertaining is very unpredictable. Be honest with him. Tell him what you want with him. Have him explain what he hopes to get out of his relationship with you. Can you two envision yourself together as a long-term couple? Whatever you do, prepare yourself for the worst: he may not choose to leave her, or even leave her for you. Good luck to you.

Wildcat21 · Feb 14, 2005, 12:48 PM

Bottom line - this guy is not honest. Move on. He did NOT change after a couple months.

Change was important for you to continue - he didn't.

wildgrl · Feb 18, 2005, 08:09 PM

My husband did the same thing when me and him started dating. He was living with his ex girlfriend at the time because they bought a house together. I didn't find out until 3 months into the relationship. Bottom line he left her and obviously asked me to marry him and tells me now that he loves me like he never has loved anyone before. No our marriage is not perfect. But who's is?

WhenWillIBeLoved · Feb 22, 2005, 03:20 PM

My husband did the same thing when me and him started dating. He was living with his ex girlfriend at the time because they bought a house together. I didn't find out until 3 months into the relationship. Bottom line he left her and obviously asked me to marry him and tells me now that he loves me like he never has loved anyone before. No our marriage is not perfect. But who's is?

It is entirely normal for a person to love two people at once. It happens. The nature of human affection is that it's not monogamous. Man times people feel obligated to stay with someone because they have children, bought a house together, etc. I bet you are glad you stuck it out with him, even though he was not completely honest with you in the beginning. It always behooves us not to judge and to put ourself in the other person's shoes. By the way, no marriage is perfect because the two founders of the marriage are imperfect. Keep the communication lines open and you will do just fine.