[irritatedbeyond]

My mother in law is manipulative, ignorant, selfish, and a cry-baby who pities herself and asks her children to pity her as well. She has no real relationship with them because the know she's manipulative and selfishly evil and only care about what everytone else things... she tries to lie about their lifestyle or EVERYTHING for that matter just to look better. She'll even talk about her brothers and sisters who own a family business just to sound like she's a part of it. Everyone occasionally gets together for holidays but she insists that my husband visit his grandparents with our son so they can see him. She counts the weeks. She makes him feel guilty for not going there, but she somehow never asks us to her house. Ever, the only time since our 5 month old was born we have gone there I innitiated the get-together (at her house) and said we should have a barbecue... my husband did the cooking, and she did the controlling of what everyone did. My son had to sit next to her, she insisted on feeding him, even burping him and wouldn't let me insisting that I needed to eat! Good thing the baby puked on her... she doesn't know how my son likes to be burped, he's just a baby I'd like to keep his food IN HIS STOMACH for pete's sake. But no, and she commented on how she then had to change her shirt. Boo-hoo, honestly. Going to the grandparents house is different... She has to invite herself there when we decide to go there... every time... and they never ever offer us food... never cook for us, at all! Maybe water is all we get and we could be visiting for 3 hours or more befcuase my mother in law will call to ask us to wait so she could see "her grandson". My husband got mad at me because I wasn't feeling well and wanted to go home, but since his mom was coming he was trying to say I could go home and he'd bring the baby home later... how dare he! We had 2 separate cars because he had met us there after work, but honestly now, how do you not talk to your wife about things you decided to do with a 3 mmonth old... I was still heavily breastfeeding and he doesn't even consider the baby had to sleep in a strange place wake up and eat, and was getting fussy again all for my mother in law to come over pick him up out of my arms and literally leave the room so I'm sitting there with my husband, and his grandparents... wondering where the hell she went with my son. There are a few reasons I don't trust her with my son. As she couldn't even take care of her own children (single mom with my husband as the oldest of 3 and 2 younger daughters both of which over 19, divorced and their father passed when they were younger after the divorce)... she would pawn them off on her parents or daycare or sports... made it look like she had money by needing a house and nice clothes and other bs but not helping her son take care of thousands of dollars of bills which I would later come time find out has ruined his credit for the next 10 years or more... as I had to clean it up when we got married because (since my husband was gone for basic training in the army before we got married, and I was pregnant atthis time) she did not trust me with his bills and insisted again on paying them... all of which she didn't but since he and I shared a bank account insisted I give her money so she could pay for his car... mind you, she said I should get an abortion to my husband, that how could she be a grandmother if he couldn't be a father,. he's just a little boy (in a condascending tone) was very bitter and jealous that I wanted to take care of him and she could no longer control every aspect of his miserable life she created for him... she never once in any letter she wrote asked him about us being pregnant or the baby... she even told him I never tried to talk to her and that I refused to let her know if he got paid... I not only gave her over a thousand dollars, but I tried on many many occasions (by text as we couldn't just talk on the phone she tried to be as distant from me as possible since she either figured my son was not her son's kid, or I'd leave him before the baby came, or he'd be a deadbeat dad and not be there for us... I tried to even ask one day if I could refer to her as her first name and not Ms. ****** as she chose to end her texts asking if my husband got paid yet as his bills were due soon, blah blah... she asked "how are you feeling" which sounded more like a shrink would ask their patient... I'll tell you how I'm feeling, like you're crazy and I need to keep me and my unborn child away from your crazy ***. Ugh! She said so many horrible things about my being pregnant and didn't offer even a friend in her, she even was jealous of my husband and I moving back with my parents for help while my husband was away (my family is wonderful and have helped up through many many issues while his family just ignored my husbands problems as if he was such a burden and they were finished with him a long time ago., until I had our son... then all of a sudden they demand timw with him and my husband... she could care less if I came and says maybe I need to let him do whatever he wants with our baby because I might help him get back what he lost with his father! Talk about guilt trip. Saying his father was wonderful and this and that and she let him take my husband everywhere and anywhere ANYTIME he wanted, just seems like a joke... because he left them... blatantly, and she blames some sort of mental issue but speaks of this in the most strange terms I've ever heard of in my life. I'm so done with all of these lies. She doesn't encourage him to be a good husband, she more wants him to be HER husband. She takes my son and hands him off to people for them to hold him as if he is hers, and pretends in front of everyone that she cares but the only time she's called me, since last year, was to relay a message to my husband to call her... or if she made a double message to him and myself about going to "grandmas for dinner as family will be getting together and I'm sure they would like to see the baby". I've 'told my husband she is making him feelguilty and alone but she has no friends, expects her kids to do everything and anything fir her exactly when she acts or she basically acts like she no longer loves them... she even stopped my sister in law from talking to me and visiting us because she was jealous my parents were there (it's their house) but she never ever invited us over to her house. She needs to know everyone's business and then she tells it to the whole family, well it starts with the grandmother then everyone finds out. Did I mention she almost never responds to anything I have ever said to herl... especially when I kindly and maturely confronted the many issues from the name thing all the way to why she thought it was her place to tell anyone I should have an abortion or why she took the baby moments after I had him out of my husbands arms before me or my mom had a chance to hold him, if she was really just looking to see if my son looked like her son. She failed poorly as a parent as all of her children have a lot of issues, one even ran away to another state to live with her boyfriend to get away from the mom as she told me. I cannot deal with this woman getting my husband to be a horrible husband to me. He treats me like I'm his mother... and it's looking like he more needed someone to take care of him as his mother didn't so he found those qualities in me... so now he's acting more like my son, and lying to me, being verbally abusive and going out with his friends until 4am on occasion without ever extending an invite to me even if my mom will baby sit. My mother in law put a guilt trip on us all as why I won't let her watch my son. I think she needs to get a life and like hell I'm going to let a strange woman, whom never tried to get to know me or earn my trust, to leave my innocent child with... that would be out of the question completely. My mother and father are not only great in-laws but they are friends with my husband and he trusts them more than he does his own family. As soon as his mother gives him a guilt trip, then we are fighting (he and I) and all in front of my parents... my family cannot stand this woman! I have given an ultimatum but he acts as though I never said anything about it, he has chosen to make his mother happy and has not stuck up for me as his wife, as a mother that is damn good to her son, or as a person with my own life and beliefs, and I'm tired of the useless fighting when I've lost. I don't know how to go further as my husband and I are trying to move to a different state and he does not appreciate the fact that I'm trying to have a family with him, and start a new life... but I will not go if my husband continues to treat me as insignificantly as he does because of his mother. He even tells me when I get mad about these things that I'm acting like his mother, and I'm so blown away by this that I get even more angry. I say, I only have one son. You are my husband. You need to cut the cord from your mother if you want a good relationship with me. You never even had a relationship with her but all of a sudden we get married and have a baby and it's like you are trying to run away from me like I'm holding you hostage and your mother is all of a sudden trying to control everything you do and think about me, money, jobs, our relationship, our son... what do I do, I'm ready to file for divorce and keep this evil manipulative woman away from my son legally so that he doesn't get messed up like she did her own children!

[smoothy]

Gee... tell us how you really feel...




I'm just kidding... seriously though, you need to learn to deal with her if you want your marriage to be happy. You don't have to love her, or even like her, just learn to deal with her and not harbor this extreme anger... for your own health. Its bad for your blood pressure etc.. and it will age you prematurely. You can learn to pity people like her and remain peaceful rather than feel this anger and hatred.

[irritatedbeyond]

Oh in so many ways it gets much worse, and since I'm so upset I sound pretty nasty. My husband and I are a lot alike in different ways, and we have differences that keep things interesting. I love him very much and when it is him, me and our son, it's amazing... even around my family it's fun! Around his, it feels forced and everyone is secretly judging or his mom tries to keep our baby away from us and separate us all from being near each other as our own unit, she literally will stand or sit between us- how's that for body language. I'm just tired. I'm too young for this, and I don't respect people who so strongly push into a persons life, especially in a negative manner knowing it's causing tension for a new family. Every time my hubby and I talk about things and they start to get better, he kind of distances himself from his mom, and then she slides back into the picture and things go back down again. It is a vicious cycle and I'd like to know if there's any validation for my feelings... My husband thinks I'm turning into a monster... I'm hurt, and I'm losing my husband to a woman that will always be a part of his life, but doesn't want me to be... I've told her I remember my vows and I've promised to take care of my husband, and that I'm a great mother... but somehow her actions (rather than her words which are bs depending on who's around) scream louder that she couldn't care less about my husband having a healthy marriage because she needs him to fulfill t hat for her instead. I'm just sad now. I have wanted this family to work since before I got pregnant. He and I were planning on marrying, and then baby came first, which is fine! We were incredibly excited and love our son dearly! We have a great dog too! I accepted the fact that I only knew his sister and had met his family only once or twice, only talked to his mother a handful of times and they did not ever involve themselves in our life even if we'd asked. I was content and he was too... unfortunately once we got married and had the baby everything changed and they now seem to act like I owe them time with my son... and that they want their baby back too (my husband)... as if I'd stolen them... he's less of a man than he was when I met him, because they took him back as a child and I'm losing my husband now. I will be devastated if my husband chooses to make his mother happy over his family's well being (my son and myself) because I will tell my relatives and parents/grandparents what needs to be said and defend my husband when need be (which never is an issue since they respect us and our lives) it's just so hard when the other side doesn't care like that. I'm trying. And I'm trying not to give up. I just want nothing to do with this woman who is not a mother in law to me, much less a friend.

[smoothy]

Couple points to remember... this is his mother.. for good or bad... she will always be his mother.

You can't expect him to turn his back on her any more than you would your own mother.

He doesn't have to chose between you two... and isn't. You only see it that way.

You are trying to make it an either/or situation... and that is only going to cause friction.

You can cause a problem that feeds a situation that perpetuates the problem you started.

In a nutshell... sometimes you have to be the more mature person... take a stand that you aren't going to let this bother you, and know... at the end of the day, who does he come home to? Right, that's you. It might be hard at first... but you will find as you learn to control your obviously volitile feelings in the matter, you will regain control of your feelings and they will become less irritating to you.

But if you expect him to turn his back on his own family... expect there to be repercussions from it... ones you really don't want and won't like.

You can't control others... what they do or what they think... but you can defuse a situation by controlling how you respond to it.

Deal with high value customers in a business setting these are skills you have to develop if you wish to survive in the business world. It is also known as "Pick your battles carefully".

I'm not assigning any blame... just tying to get you to view and deal with it in a different manner than you are now. There are better ways to deal with a situation than you currently are.

If you don't you are going to have the stress lines at 35 you normally won't have until your 50's.

And it helps in other situations as well.

[answerme_tender]

Your husband is still trying to get approval and acceptance from his own mother. Why do you think he is still willing to trip over his own feet to full fill her every request. If you step back and look at this from a mothers perspective you would come to understand why he wanted you to leave the baby behind with him, his own mother didn't ask to see him, or spend time with him, it was with the baby!!
You even started jumping to her beck and call just to get acceptance as his future wife. Unlike him you have a mother who loves you and SHOWS it. So you got tired of her controlling way real quick. But now its your turn to start wanting your husband to come over to your way of thinking.
Listen most woman are not going to tolerate their mother-in-laws dictating how to raise children and who to visit. When she calls and brings up the grandparents I would simply state thank you for invite, but no. That she is welcome to come to your house to visit baby, and if you have time during next couple of weeks you will take baby over to see grandparent but make sure she knows it will at your time schedule. Now you make not like having her over to your house, but your going to have to show your husband some type of compromise. Remember its your house, your rules.
If it makes you uncomfortable to have the baby out of your site, then simply tell her and if she makes a fuss, tell your way or no holding the baby. Also advise her that you don't want strangers holding the baby period.( now keep in mind, do this in a calm, polite voice).
I would sit down with your husband when you have a calm conversation about this, ask him if he would have any problems with this, but make sure he knows that are trying this for sake of his relationship with his mother, not for you. Don't keep make try to make a choice between you and his mother affection. Let him know how much you love him and that if his mother doesn't go along with the house rules, then you will be okay with him visiting her, but baby stays home. Maybe suggestion having family get togethers at a restaurant instead if mother doesn't go along with rules. That way when done eating everyone gets to go home. Good luck

[irritatedbeyond]

Thanks smoothy, I do appreciate the time you've taken and consideration for your advice. I do in fact work in an upscale environment with very wealthy clients and have never had an issue or problem with good customer service or relations. I have honestly never had a problem with anyone such as this which is why I've been flabbergasted from the start. I, however, am the same person to everyone, never fake, never a liar, and I don't try to impress others by anything artificial (other than maybe my hair color but that's not the issue here)... When I had my son I took time off work and was suddenly looked down upon for not putting my son in day care and going back asap... life changes and I've rolled with that, but at this point, with this woman, I've crapped out.Again, thanks for the advice, but I choose not to let someone destroy me as a person by taking low blows anymore. I tried for a year and got sick during my pregnancy by "being the bigger person" and now I need to be healthy (I don't care about the wrinkles, that's not a priority in life to maintain lineless skin as that shows wisdom, character, and beauty as well) on the inside for my son. I don't think it makes sense to baby a grown woman and become yet another person that allows her to walk all over them. I will stand up for myself, but I will remember your words also and accept that my husband should not have to choose, so he will not, but I will control myself and what and where I do and go with my child. I am his mother, and I will always be... but a son's a son until he takes him a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all of her life. My mother-in-law (as legally that is her title to me) has 2 daughters that need a good mother... my husband, is now the man of his own family and I'm his wife. That is enough said about that.

[irritatedbeyond]

Answer me tender, thank you so much, I appreciate your honesty and I will take your advice... it definitely sounds more like something I could do without biting my nails off! Its nice to see people who do care to help like you all have.

[answerme_tender]

I wish you the best, lets just say I have been there done that situation with the ex-mothe in law. And remember your not crazy, you just need sometime of reassurance from your husband that you matter to him. The hurtful feelings his mother are causing are justified. Its only natural.

[smoothy]

Thanks smoothy, I do appreciate the time you've taken and consideration for your advice. I do in fact work in an upscale environment with very wealthy clients and have never had an issue or problem with good customer service or relations. I have honestly never had a problem with anyone such as this which is why I've been flabbergasted from the start. I, however, am the same person to everyone, never fake, never a liar, and I don't try to impress others by anything artificial (other than maybe my hair color but that's not the issue here)... When I had my son I took time off of work and was suddenly looked down upon for not putting my son in day care and going back asap... life changes and I've rolled with that, but at this point, with this woman, I've crapped out.Again, thanks for the advice, but I choose not to let someone destroy me as a person by taking low blows anymore. I tried for a year and got sick during my pregnancy by "being the bigger person" and now I need to be healthy (I don't care about the wrinkles, that's not a priority in life to maintain lineless skin as that shows wisdom, character, and beauty as well) on the inside for my son. I don't think it makes sense to baby a grown woman and become yet another person that allows her to walk all over them. I will stand up for myself, but I will remember your words also and accept that my husband should not have to choose, so he will not, but I will control myself and what and where I do and go with my child. I am his mother, and I will always be... but a son's a son until he takes him a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all of her life. My mother-in-law (as legally that is her title to me) has 2 daughters that need a good mother... my husband, is now the man of his own family and I'm his wife. That is enough said about that.

I think you are missing part of my point of not letting her get to you as much as she obviously is... Luckily you haven't had to deal with a hostile or unreasonable customer... YET. But I'm sure you know what I'm talking about there. One day one of your top revenue clients are going to have a bad day and you will be unlucky enough to be there to catch their wrath... and as much as you would love to be honest and frank with them... you bite your tongue and find a way to change their anger into thanfullness. Hard skill to learn. But really useful.

She only has the control you let her have... she can only bother you if you allow her to...

Yeah I see how you have tried... but you haven't mastered it yet because as you admit, it was getting to you still.

Just one way of gaining control over your own life... is being able to control how you let others influence or bother you. Yeah, its hard, sometimes REALLY hard... but its essential for the inner peace that you really want and need. YEah... I DO understand what you are thinking... By nature I am a very excitable person myself... I have always been. BUT, you can learn to control what you let bother you. It just takes perseverance. And by the time your kid is a teenager... its going to be a valuable asset to know.

Yeah... women may want to think a daughter is a daughter but a son is only a son until they marry, that's really a double standard and not how reality works... ever.

A man won't turn his back on his family any more than a woman would be expected to. And a spouse (either) really is wrong when they expect them to.

Like I said... its not a you or her issue. When you can come to terms with that part... maybe you can find it easier to overlook the rest. Like I said... you can't make someone like their in-laws... but you can be distant yet respectful. Mother and Wife are not mutually exclusive... husbands all over the world have both without having to sacrifice anything between one or the other...

After all, if you keep poking at the snake under the porch... its more likely to bite.

Or if you keep picking at the scab, its going to take a LOT longer to heal.