[DazedAndConfused123]

Basic background is that my girlfriend of almost 3 years suddenly came to the conclusion that she was unhappy and needed "to take time apart" and re-evaluate our relationship... which sounded a lot like a breakup to me. It was so hard at first but I decided going NC was best for me to figure myself out in the mean time and I really have become so much stronger.

At this point, I feel she's probably nervous to talk to me because I basically fell off the face of the earth (no AIM, myspace, etc.). Either way, it's been a month and I want to meet with her so badly and talk. I feel the cause of this was I was needy for a while and I sort of made her my world as opposed to being a big PART of my life. Of course I accentuated this feeling at the time of our break because I was overcome with emotion. Also our relationship got too comfortable and we lost that excitement. But in the mean time I have stayed very aloof and independent, so I don't think she has any idea what's going on with me... which is good because I discovered that time to myself was actually a great thing for a while.

I love this girl so much and I want her to know how much I love her. I feel like I want to send her flowers before we do meet up. Is this a needy thing to do or does it show love? All I want is for her to see me for what I am now and how much I have learned (by showing her of course). I fear all she knows is what used to be... but I genuinely feel like such a better person that it's obviously benefiting me, and I know it could springboard our relationship to something more special than it's ever been. I see this separation as a blessing in disguise... but being in NC for a month now, I feel things are probably awkward (at least for her) in even talking again at this point. What should I do??

Thank you so much!

[Skell]

Well you have certainly gone about this in a healthy manner, in fact exactly how all of us here would have advised you to go about it if you came here a month ago looking for advice.

It is great that you have identified problems in your relationship and in particular things that you did wrong.
It is also great that you found time alone with out her a great time in which to learn about yourself and grow. You certainly sound fairly convincing when you say you have learnt a lot about yourself and what you did wrong.

I certainly hope you have taken steps to fix these things as well (not just identify them).

So generally I think you have done quite well. But I will have to question your desire to get back in contact with her. It sounds to me like it was a break up too. Not just a break.

She hasn't contacted you at all by the sounds of it, so that indicates to me that she might be quite happy with how things are at the moment, and that is without you in her life. Sorry to say it but it appears to be how she feels.

I'm sure if she was missing you enough she put aside her nervousness and call you.

If I were you I would continue with the no contact! You probably aren't as far advanced as you think you are. We see it here a lot, people think after a couple of weeks of no contact they are all of a sudden finished grieving and ready to talk again. They get the a rude shock when they do make contact only to find out it wasn't what the ex wanted at all, and they go back to square 1 and in a lot of pain again.

So my advice would be to continue this growing and learning you seem to be doing so well.

Continue to work on you. Sending flowers and meeting her to confess you undying love won't bring her back. Nothing will bring her back. She has to want to come back. And if she does, well then you will be able to firstly decide if you want to try again, and if you do, then you will be able to prove to her how much you have grown by your actions and your new attitude to the relationship.

It would be naïve of you in my opinion to try and force this new you upon her now. Just because you think you are ready doesn't mean she is.

Keep going down the path you are taking and if it is meant to be then I'm sure one day she will come looking. If not then you would have most probably grown into a person that will be happy without her anyway!

[talaniman]

Your whole post is based on what you think she is feeling and going through. Forget it. That's the part of you holding out hope she will come back. Please stay on the path your on and continue the no contact and work on building a life you enjoy without her. A month is still too soon for you to be healed given what you have written and the fact she hasn't called you at all either.

[JDOP]

I'm almost in the same situation you are in. I know you miss her like hell and the pain doesn't seem to fade. The only thing I can tell you is what I learned from these guys. Do not contact her unless you are over her, unless you don't care if she comes or goes. Contacting her now will hurt you only even more because she is NOT going to say what you want (hope) to hear.
Hang in there.

[rol]

Yes wait another month or 2, I'm sure if she wanted to contact you she would do so with some excuse or something.So I agree with Skell above, no flowers, nothing... not even a happy new year message...

[wap]

I would still continue with no contact. My ex didn't contact me at any point either. It has been 6 months now, he only phoned me once. I always contacted him first. I left it 3 months without contact and recently sent him an email and he emailed me back a couple of times. I don't feel any better for it, nothing has changed in anyway. I think I should just leave it and not contact him. Although a month seems like a long time, it isn't : ) so I wouldn't worry at this stage about contacting her. Best to leave it for now.

[DazedAndConfused123]

Thanks for the responses everyone. Actually she did contact me a couple weeks ago... asking if maybe we could meet up and talk about things. Although it wasn't a very cheery email so it didn't make me feel too confident... but maybe that was me just being paranoid. Either way, I wrote her back and told her in a nice manner that we should meet later... as I know I was not very far along in the healing stages a couple weeks ago. I do feel much better now.

Now we are just kind of in limbo between her asking a couple weeks ago to talk with me delaying it... and now there hasn't been any contact for 2 weeks.

[rol]

<<asking if maybe we could meet up and talk about things.>>

Yeah guess that kind of talk equals that she wants to end things... wait until you are stronger and then go and have the talk
Read meedee23 his is the same situation as yours 3 years +break +wants to talk.
There is a lot of useful advice there.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...light=meedee23

[jrussole]

If you care about this girl, you need to let her know. Not by going overboard. But just simply telling her that you still care, etc. Obviously, you do, so why play games?

[talaniman]

Some accurate information sure would have helped a lot here Dazed. If any one had known she had called you a few weeks ago don't you think that would have factored into our responses? According to you, you've had no contact for a month and in fact you have. Now either your broke up or separated and to tell the truth, I suspect your posting just to get attention and have something to do. Are you serious or not?:mad:

[jrussole]

Call her up and let her know your feelings. She can either take it or leave it. If she leaves it, you'll get your answer to move on.

Sol, it sounds to me as if he is playing games. Or she is. Either way, it is better to be honest with your feelings. Being in limbo is much harder. This way, he can move on. It is so difficult to find love in this world and more difficult to hold onto it once you find it.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Skell has said it best.. Sorry Skell, I tried to rate you but I had to spread the rep.

Not much to add to what Skell said in the post above which in my opinion was perfect and I particularly liked what he wrote here:

If i were you i would continue with the no contact! You probably aren't as far advanced as you think you are. We see it here a lot, people think after a couple of weeks of no contact they are all of a sudden finished grieving and ready to talk again. They get the a rude shock when they do make contact only to find out it wasn't what the ex wanted at all, and they go back to square 1 and in a lot of pain again.

So my advice would be to continue this growing and learning you seem to be doing so well.

Continue to work on you. Sending flowers and meeting her to confess you undying love wont bring her back. Nothing will bring her back. She has to want to come back.

Agree with everything in the above. I think that it is all too easy to fall under the illusion that you are further forward in the healing process and then to be hit by another down point and then you feel like you are back to day 1 of the break-up.

Example: You have identified areas of improvement for yourself and made some positive changes in these areas. You send her flowers before you meet up and then meet up with her and she does not respond in the way you want her to. You end up back to square 1 again. It is also important to realise tat even though you believe you are ready, she may not be as Skell points out.

Maybe there is a chance for you two in the future, maybe not, but to continue down the path you have chosen, by making improvements to yourself and looking towards the future, even if she did not come back, you would be at a very healthy point in your life that it would not matter all that much.

I know that this advice is quite similar to Skell's post but I felt that these points need reiterating.

You are doing well.. Just give yourself time!!

[DazedAndConfused123]

I meant no contact as in not seeing her or calling her... I forget in my original post to mention the minimal interaction we had through the email. I would rather just meet with her now and find out one way or another what is going on instead of staying in limbo. I think I need to meet with her now... b/c the longer I wait the more confusing the whole situation is to me. And if there is a chance... I'd rather go after it now instead of making her think I don't care about her anymore. I won't send flowers. I'll just say we should meet and really talk about any issues.

[rol]

Exactly , go and meet her now and talk about everything... The worse place you can be is in limbo. You have had a month and are prepared so it should not be a shock now...
Stay strong and don't beg... perhaps tell her something like 'she needs to do what is best for her '

Good luck.

[Geoffersonairplane]

exactly , go and meet her now and talk about everything...The worse place you can be is in limbo. You have had a month and are prepared so it should not be a shock now...
Stay strong and dont beg...perhaps tell her something like 'she needs to do what is best for her '

Good luck.

I agree rol, perhaps this meeting will give him closure.. being stuck in limbo is absolutely gut wrenching and this is the place I was for a while but I don't think I am there anymore since I have low expectations of my ex coming back and even if she did, it would be a long time away and I would have made too much progress and most importantly...

MOVED ON!!!!!

Which is what you must set yourself up for. If this meeting will help, then do it, but go into it with the worst in mind, that she wants it to be over for good. I know you say you want to know either way but you really must make sure you are prepared to hear this as it is going to hurt you..

There is no way around the heartbreak I'm afraid.

Stay strong as rol says and whatever you do, don't beg or cry. Just be as mature and open minded as possible.

You will be fine and there are plenty of people for you to talk to here should you need to vent.. :)

[Skell]

Are you really in limbo?

Do you really need to know anything?

I know I'm looking from the outside in and advise only based on the info you provide, but mate, you guys are broken up. It is over.

Do you actually have to hear the words come from her mouth? Do you need to go and see her?

Maybe you do! That's fine.

One thing though. I hear people always using this word closure. You need closure! What is closure? Being told it is over. That doesn't close anything. It opens up a hundred questions in your head as to why. So then you go seeking answers to the why questions all in the hope of getting closure.

Actually I get sick of hearing the word. You don't get closure.when you break up in my opinion. What you get is just the world of hurt that comes with and the invariable questions of why, what if, how etc. They never get answered fully!

So if it is closure your seeking by meeting her I think you will be bitterly disappointed!

Good luck and please keep us posted. We are here to help all the time throughout this tough time!

[rol]

For me closure is more like ending things face to face in a mature manner and wishing each other the best.

[MeeDee23]

I feel like I really understand this guy's situation... it's a lot like mine from what I see. Honestly I think if you do feel like a better and stronger person, and go into that meeting expecting the worst... it can't hurt. You will be outwardly projecting how you feel and show your growth. Even if she doesn't want to have any part of you, go out strong and move on to face the world with a new determination from what you have learned here. I say meet her be prepared for anything... but just be STRONG!

[jrussole]

Peace and closure if rejection is all that is found at the end of any journey of hope is comforting than never knowing one way or another. At least, one can move on in defeat like any good soldier. It's the not knowing and being in limbo, now that is the hard part. It is as if things cannot be resolved within your own framework of self being, when you don't know either way. Limbo is a terrible feeling. I hope you get positive instead of negative. But it's a risk all of us need to take in order to achieve emotional stability, peace and closure. It is my hope that you find courage in any journey of hope.

[jrussole]

From my perspective, he is playing games. If he doesn't show affection, he probably isn't going to get any in return in the long run. He is probably in his 20's. And girls his age usually move on if they don't receive what they want in a relationship. Show her that you care, don't play games. Because if she has half a brain she'll move on to someone else who can give her what she needs. I can't tell you have many toads I had to go through in order to find my prince. But he was well worth the wait.