[bluemuffin]

Thanks, elfy. Some sad news, though -- my son has started to avoid me again. He even told me through texting on his cellphone "why the hell did you leave your f***ing family then? if you really loved daddy you wouldn't have left even if you fought and fought and fought."

It hurts so much that he has learned to speak to me this way. I have no doubt it is from being with his father, who never hesitated to use these words in front of our son. I tried explaining to my son that I couldn't live forever with his dad with our kind of marriage, but he wouldn't hear it. He was too hurt, I guess. I AM too...

I hate having left him with his dad. Everyday I cry because of the guilt. I think to myself, "my son is out there, while i am here living my own little life. i'm not cooking for him, caring for him, like i did every single day of his life for 11 years." the guilt is killing me.

I would like to take him and have him live with me, but my present circumstances do not allow for that at this point. I asked him if he wanted to live with me, if not now then maybe someday, and he said he wanted to stay with his dad. That is like a blow to the face, because he used to be closer to me than his dad before the separation. But at the same time I understand, because he is probably bitter at what happened. Still, I am devastated.

I don't know what to do. I cannot get it off my mind, and I find myself thinking of him every couple of hours. Images of him as a baby, and as he was growing up while I was taking care of him, fill my head. It is utter torture. What can I do? :(

[Elfy]

Hi bluemuffin

I am so sorry that you are going through this yet again. I am sure this is because his dad is saying things to him as maybe he isn't happy that your son is talking to you and is forcing him to take a side which is totally wrong.

I am not expert for sure but I have learned a little. What ever you do be positive when you talk to him or email him. DO NOT say anything negative about his dad. I learned some time ago not to do that. I started to just say things like I hoped his dad was well and I wished him all the best etc.No matter what your son says don't engage in trashing his father.

Keep in touch no matter what whether he speaks to you or replies at all. The fact that he is replying on his text message to me is a good thing. It when he ignores you that there is little room for communication.I wouldn't say anything to him about he swearing right now as I think he is looking for a reaction.

Can you take him to a show do something he enjoys?Something you both used to do together that he will remember doing with you. I and my son used to enjoy going to a movie together so we do that now when I see him.

Don't give up no matter what. You have to get stubborn and just keep at it. That will keep you going. I wouldn't let my son forget I was out there and he came around. He laughed and told me that I sent so many emails to him it wasn't funny.I still email him and don't always get a reply sometimes.

Above all else just keep telling him you love him and always will no matter what.

I will be thinking of you and praying for you. You pray too. Believe me it helps and you will get an answer. Just try and be patient. I know how hard that is.Also stop beating yourself up for leaving. You did what you had to do and your son will see that in time. He is young . He will come around.

Elfy

[Elfy]

bluemuffin

I forgot to mention too that your son loves you very much.You are his mother and he won't ever forget that.Mothers and sons have a bond forever.

[bluemuffin]

Thank you so much, elfy. It's times like this that I am amazed at and really appreciate comforting words from people, even those I haven't met personally.

You're right, I will justl have to ] keep at what I'm doing right now. I can't let up on telling him I'm always here for him and that I love him. It's a very sensitive time for my son to be going through, since he's just entering his teens, and I feel his pain. But I guess all I can do is pray that in the end, I will have joint custody of him (our annullment, though slow, is thankfully moving along) and that we will be together again. And when I asked him if he loved me and if he will ever forget me, he said, "of course not. you're my mother and i will always love you."

I will also take your advice to heart about not trashing his father. Actually, I have stopped doing this a long time ago, but sometimes I still can't help but sneak in those little comments about how I don't want him growing up like his dad. Sigh. I guess that just doesn't help, does it? By the way, how are you and your son doing?

[hb4now]

Hi, I'm joining this thread because I have the same issue with my son. It's been six years since I left my ex for being a control freak. I also feel guilty since I left my son with him at 11 years old, but my ex had threatened me if I ever took off with our son he would hunt me down. Well... six years later, my son now almost 18 does not talk, write, call, etc. My son and I would get together and he would spend time with me initially. I've tried everything from going to court, mediation, counseling, you name it, I've tried it. Now its been seven months since I last saw or talked to my son. I've texted him, mailed him cards, letters, and the last one I delivered to the school secretary to give to him about a month ago. No response. I also feel like I'm dying inside. It's killing me, and to add to that I have other problems in being able to see my grand children. I feel pounded. I don't know what to do anymore. I love them all and I've expressed that to them many times. I know it has to do with his father (because I know how he is). So, just pray for me please, I would love to see my son soon. He's a senior this year and I plan on going to the graduation at the school even if I'm not invited. Good luck to all in my this situation. I know how hard it is.

hb4now

[pamsprenger]

Elfy,

How is your relationship with your son now. I have the same problem, I left my husband going on 3 years ago and my 19 yr old daughter will not talk to me or email. She acts like I don't exist. I feel like you as well.