Hi,

I am an Indian guy who has been married for over 2 years now and as our culture is, I stay with my parents and Grandmother post marriage.
I have been facing a lot of pressure due to the growing problems between my mother and my Wife. I love them both and can't think of getting separated from either of them.

Some of the reasons for these conflicts are:
My Mom is strict and very straight forward and don't show a lot of emotions very often. She is fit and gets her work done really fast however my wife is relatively slower and very emotional. Though she is generally polite and makes all possible efforts to improve herself, she at times looses temper and says things which could be treated as disrespectful in our culture. She also wants to be treated as a daughter (and not a daughter in law) which again is not a commonly found practise in our culture.

In a nutshell, my mom is strict, practical and dominating, where as my wife wants to be shown some warmth in their relationship. I have tried hard to make them more compatible but the success has been short and the effects elope after any small verbal conflicts.

I am under a lot of pressure due to all this and if required can have the 2 of them consult with some relationship counsellors as well. Thanks for your help in anticipation.

Just because the conflicts are culture related personalities doesn't mean that both can't give in a bit, and in this case I think your mom has to give in more and relax. I am assuming, too, she is from an older generation and can't relate to the young woman's needs (is your wife's mom still alive?). I think you are on the right track when you suggest relationship counselling to create a more harmonious household where all can benefit.

The big BUT is though, will your mom agree to this type of mediation seeing as she is sticking to her guns culture-wise.

I am sorry I can't offer any more suggestions, but I see a very close knit indian family unit here and unless someone of the same culture pipes in, I don't see what else to say, except good luck in seeking some sort of agreement between the two parties.

You don't say anythng about your father, is he in the picture too ?

As you said that you try to bridge the differences when they occur and thing do get better for a while.. so I guess you make a promise to yourself that you will always keep your Cool, you have to act like a judge and keep bridging the gap hoping one day you will have to do it no more... Remember, only God can change peoples heart, so keep your cool all the time and keep praying... and do all the right things in life... your prayers will be answered. You just have to be consistent.

Its hard... but this is life...

Is there any way you can move? If you are in the US now tell your mom that you feel that you should take in some of the American culture for your lifestyle as an excuse. If you can move
it could be one home away or the closest you can find so you are still near mom and available to help her.
It is hard for women to live together because they both have their ideas of how they want to do things with everything from where to keep the pots and pans to how to raise a child.
It is hard when one wants to dictate and do everything their way leaving no room for the others self expression.

Think of this example in an over all way rather than kitchens and pots and pans to
understand how your wife must feel...
Your mom may want to arrange the kitchen in a practical way whereas your wife would want to arrange a kitchen that reflects her warmth and personality.
Your mom wins by seniority, its her house and she gets her way.
Your wife feels like she is still a kid under her parents roof not having a say or ability to express herself.

If and when you would have kids it will be even harder because a mom dreams of how she wants to raise her kids ideally and when you have a grand parent undermining that for the good or the bad it makes it even more difficult. Like you might set the kids bedtime at 9 and grandparents might say give the kid a break or the other way around.

I think the best thing you can do for your wife and your marriage is to move down the street so your wife can have a place where she can express herself and feel like she is married to YOU and not a whole family with conflicting ideas of how they want things done.

I can only speak from American culture and values, If there is a choice to make between wife and mother, you back your wife.

You always love your mother, but at marriage you owe a larger commitment to your wife.

Yes, backing your wife, whom you live with and will be with for the rest of your life is the most important thing here! Good luck!

Hey! Bro, I can thoroughly understand, what you going through as I am also sailing on the same boat.

I totally disagree with comments of "leaving your mom". She has made our future. And we drop her for our future. No, never do that.

You've been living with her since your child hood and der's other women who have just come in.

I've tried every thing like you but didn't reach the happy zone.

You got live with it and stay calm and be happy with what is available(as you can't hurt both). And do not expect much.

And remember "Nothing is Permanent".. over period each character will get used each others behaviour and habits.

Take care.

If he is living in North America, he certainly has choices. So too does his new wife.

In North America, you leave your mother's house, and set up house and a life with your wife, not the other way around.

You may love both, of course, but once you are old enough to marry, you should be out on your own with your wife. This does not eliminate a relationship with your mother by any stretch.

It sounds to me like your mother is a bit of a bully. Her way or the highway. Your wife sounds like a rather sensitive person, which is why she was picked perhaps if this was, I presume, an arranged marriage?

If you are in the USA or Canada, it might be time to break the mould and live a different life in which your wife is the primary woman, not the one equal to your mother. (but not really).

On the other hand, she too had choices, and could have, and may in the future, choose to live under her own rules. Women as acquisitions and property went out in our culture, a long, long time ago.

This must be a very difficult situation for you, as I do understand that in these types of living arrangements the mother is still head of the household.

I suspect that it may be difficult for us to apply our Western standards to your situation, but there are two things that I would suggest:

1. Speak to your wife. She can't change your mother's behavior, but she can change her own response to it. It is counter-productive to expect something from your mother that she can't give ( for example, warmth), so why keep pushing for it? Your wife should be respectful and polite but assertive if she needs to be without creating conflict.

2. Support your wife. She is your first priority, not your mother regardless of your culture or traditions. Let your mother know that you support your wife and let her know that she is your priority.

Counseling is a great idea, if only to get the two parties to understand that we are all different and do things in different ways - it's about respecting each others differences and not expecting more.

This post is from 2007.

Brother I am facing the same situation,, but the solution I tried is that I toked individually / separately with both of them... n u too just try to convince you mom... that let her do watever she wants and have patience in everything

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ankurthepearl

Brother i am facing the same situation,,,but the solution i tried is dat i toked individually / seperately with both of them...n u too just try to convince u mom...that let her do watever she wants and have patience in everything

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Let the MOTHER do whatever she wants and put the WIFE in second place?

Is that what you just said?

Back your wife.. you know why ? Because that "other woman" has nothing left in her life except you.. to deal with this problem u need to first know a woman's terms.. see man.. when a girl is growing up with her parents she is been told and she believes that this is her home.. her world.. her parents becomes her GOD... she plans everything for that home... even the colors of the curtains... but suddenly after 20 0r 24 years she is been told by the society no u silly girl... this is not your home... someone will marry you... he will be your GOD your guardian... he will take care off you... his home will be your home... and then that girl get married to live "happily ever after"... and then she meets the another side... the man who has been made her everything by chanting some "sloka" or some promises... suddenly feels so bad about her presence in the home which has been told to be her home... for the man who has been told to be her and only her man... whatever your religion I... don't forget that you promised her every happiness... every right... in health or in sickness... in prosperity or in scarcity... don't forget your mother has her husband and had her time... let your wife have her... it's your time to become a man from a son if it's need so...