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Okay, let me start with my user name is a direct reflection of this problem. This is long, so here goes....
We have neighbors that are "friends". They moved next to us almost 10 years ago. Our children are the same age.
I'd say it started one day, while I was pregnant with my 2nd child and getting ready to go out to a holiday party. The neighbor rang the bell with her daughter and asked my husband if we would watch her while they put up their Christmas lights. He stumbled and started to say "yes" and I interrupted and said that we couldn't because we were going out. The neighbor replied, "You don't want her? Fine." and huffed away. Later she would tell me that she watched to see when we went out and that because it was 2 hours later, we shouldn't have said no.
Since then, we became "friends". The problem arises when we are asked for something and we say "no." Especially during the summer months when her friend down the street goes camping for the summer. During this time, my neighbor starts calling us more and wants to have the kids play, and come into our pool, etc. (I actually started bringing my own kids in to hide in the house because I didn't want to have to see her). After saying "not today" when asked if the kids come come into the pool one day, we had to have a sit down meeting over the whole thing and the end result from them was the following:
1) we don't ask you all the time, so when we ask you to watch the children, we expect you to do it.
2) when I am away (the husband) I expect you to check in on my wife and help her
3) we don't want you to put up a privacy fence between the yards.
4) we don't want you to put up any barrier that will change the amount of sun our garden will get.
There's more but I can't think of it all.
So last night she invited all the neighbor "friends" over and not us. Even was talking to her on the phone while making dinner and she never mentioned it. So today, I was talking with her and asked if there was something bothering her. There was. During this past week, her husband was away on business...we had gotten snow. My husband snowblowed our driveway and not theirs. She said she watched from her window and "willed" my husband to come and do theirs and was disappointed in us that we didn't offer. I asked her why she didn't ask for help and she said that she wanted us to offer. So now we can add 5) we expect you to snow blow our driveway because you purchased a snow blower.
The problem is, when she has these "moments" she alienates my family from neighborhood gatherings. I get the cold shoulder until she needs something. My children are young and don't understand why they can't play with all the other kids when this happens. The ironic part about all this is she demanded to us, "I am a good person!" the last time she hosted a neighborhood thing and excluded us when I called her on it.
The real question is how friendly do you wish to be with these neighbors? It sounds like they have a lot of expectations of you that they have no right to have. And the same thing holds in reverse ; you can't harbor similar expectations of them. It's always possible to have friendships with other people besides just those who you live in close proximity to. It sounds like these people really aren't worth it. I wouldn't go so far as to move ; just find another group of friends.
Okay, let me start with my user name is a direct reflection of this problem. This is long, so here goes....
We have neighbors that are "friends". They moved next to us almost 10 years ago. Our children are the same age.
I'd say it started one day, while I was pregnant with my 2nd child and getting ready to go out to a holiday party. The neighbor rang the bell with her daughter and asked my husband if we would watch her while they put up their Christmas lights. He stumbled and started to say "yes" and I interrupted and said that we couldn't because we were going out. The neighbor replied, "You don't want her? Fine." and huffed away. Later she would tell me that she watched to see when we went out and that because it was 2 hours later, we shouldn't have said no.
Since then, we became "friends". The problem arises when we are asked for something and we say "no." Especially during the summer months when her friend down the street goes camping for the summer. During this time, my neighbor starts calling us more and wants to have the kids play, and come into our pool, etc. (I actually started bringing my own kids in to hide in the house because I didn't want to have to see her). After saying "not today" when asked if the kids come come into the pool one day, we had to have a sit down meeting over the whole thing and the end result from them was the following:
1) we don't ask you all the time, so when we ask you to watch the children, we expect you to do it.
2) when I am away (the husband) I expect you to check in on my wife and help her
3) we don't want you to put up a privacy fence between the yards.
4) we don't want you to put up any barrier that will change the amount of sun our garden will get.
There's more but I can't think of it all.
So last night she invited all the neighbor "friends" over and not us. Even was talking to her on the phone while making dinner and she never mentioned it. So today, I was talking with her and asked if there was something bothering her. There was. During this past week, her husband was away on business...we had gotten snow. My husband snowblowed our driveway and not theirs. She said she watched from her window and "willed" my husband to come and do theirs and was disappointed in us that we didn't offer. I asked her why she didn't ask for help and she said that she wanted us to offer. So now we can add 5) we expect you to snow blow our driveway because you purchased a snow blower.
The problem is, when she has these "moments" she alienates my family from neighborhood gatherings. I get the cold shoulder until she needs something. My children are young and don't understand why they can't play with all the other kids when this happens. The ironic part about all this is she demanded to us, "I am a good person!" the last time she hosted a neighborhood thing and excluded us when I called her on it.
Besides moving, are there any suggestions?
Have you tried talking to your other neighbors? Your "friend " is probably imposing on them too. You need to outright tell her that you have no obligation to her and her family--and if she gets offended, too bad. its amazing that she has so much influence on the whole neighborhood. I wouldent worry a whole lot, chances are she is just a control freak and likes to make people feel bad so that she feels good about herself. my mom is the same way. Self rightgous and controlling she is put out when things dont go her way.And the next time she throws her every one -but -you party get even and throw your own.
You should be able to resolve this but some people are just toomuch, you know?----PS----I hope that she isnt discluding the kids too? they look up to you guys as examples you know. does she kno that I wonder? Good luck and if she is still so complicated,you can come to my house to party!
They say they 'expect' from you and do childish things to try and spite you.
Tell them friendship is not based on 'expecting others to feel obligated'
Tell them that you do not watch over their every move thinking about how they could have included you. Tell them that while it may have been two hours before you leave to go out that it took that long to get everybody ready and you don't need your plans disrupted.
I hate that when people make me feel obligated to do something when I have other plans cause 9 times out of 10 something comes up concerning them and your plans get ruined.
And people like that it wouldn't even phase them that your plans got ruined.
I agree. If she can be so blunt with ya'll, be that blunt with her.
Let her know the definition of friendship. She doesn't sound much of a "friend". Maybe you could give her some of these tips:
Tell them:
1) Children are their parents' responsibilities...not the neighbors'
2)Your wife is grown...she should be able to take care of herself
3)Your property is your property.....It would be more safe since you have a pool
4)See #3
5)To each his/her own property...if you want it done, it's yours..take care of it yourself
Throw your own neighborhood function (wether you invite them or not). Now, if you want to stay cordial, let them know what's bothering you and how you feel about this situation. Let them know that things shouldn't be expected of you, if you feel like offering you will. And put a P.S. on the end of....please stop watching us out your window. That is just tacky.
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