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    KROSOL's Avatar
    KROSOL Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 2, 2007, 10:12 PM
    My mother hates me
    I am 27 years old and I need to know how to let my mother know that she is ruining me, emotionally and every other way possible. She has hated me most of my life, she flat out said it a couple years ago and told me the next time I tried to take my own life to do it right. Now that I have finally got a decent life a good husband and wonderful children she still hates me. She does things and says things to be cruel for no apparent reason and she does not only do it to me she does it to all of her daughters, I just happened to get the worst of it and take it to heart worse than the others. I need her to know that she is killing me and that she is making me literally sick, but some how I cannot do it and neither can my sisters. What can we do she is going to emotionally kill all four of us.
    incognito's Avatar
    incognito Posts: 92, Reputation: 24
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    #2

    Mar 2, 2007, 10:16 PM
    Wow, I cannot begin to fathom how hard it is on you.
    Instead of telling her that she is "killing you," why not focus your energy and time on strengthening yourself.
    So your message to her isn't, "You're ruining my life," but "You have no control over my life."
    To me it seems like you're letting her get to you, and that's probably what she wants.
    Find the strength and courage to build up your self-esteem and worry about you and your family.
    Maybe you should cut her off completely, no one needs such a negative person in their life.
    KROSOL's Avatar
    KROSOL Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Mar 3, 2007, 12:03 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by incognito
    Wow, I cannot begin to fathom how hard it is on you.
    Instead of telling her that she is "killing you," why not focus your energy and time on strengthening yourself.
    So your message to her isn't, "You're ruining my life," but "You have no control over my life."
    To me it seems like you're letting her get to you, and that's probably what she wants.
    Find the strength and courage to build up your self-esteem and worry about you and your family.
    Maybe you should cut her off completely, no one needs such a negative person in their life.

    Thank you to whoever you are for your advice but I don't think that I am strong enough to do what you suggest, for some reason I either want her to love me or I want her to know what she is doing to us girls especially since my liitle sister still has a chance at a life without so much of the pain.something has to be done what do you suggest in the area of some way telling her what she is doing to us without making her make my life even worse. We are moving to another town next month and are hoping that if I am no longer here she will not be able to get under my skin so badly but that leaves my sisters here to get it if I'm not here to take it. I'm to scared to face her because I am scared of what she will do to me.she is very manupulative and coniving and until you catch her in her lies you would never know that she is like this. She is always trying to work us girls against each other or our father or any other family member or friend that we have. She is on her third marriage and it is believed by several people that she is having an affair again now with her boss. This will cause a lot of embarrassment for all of us. I'm so confused and hurt and scared, I feel like a child not and adult with children of my own
    excon's Avatar
    excon Posts: 21,482, Reputation: 2992
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    #4

    Mar 3, 2007, 07:05 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by KROSOL
    for some reason i either want her to love me or i want her to know what she is doing to us girls
    Hello K:

    Yeah, yeah, yeah. People in hell want ice water too. You're not going to change her. She is the way she is, and it's a shame you got stuck with her. At least she bore you and kept you diapered, but that's ALL you're going to get.

    YOU need to move on.

    excon
    sophia3x's Avatar
    sophia3x Posts: 14, Reputation: 7
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    #5

    Mar 3, 2007, 09:56 AM
    There are very few things as damaging as the rejection of a parent.

    Get the name of a good therapist form your general physician. But be goal oriented.
    You don't want an expensive crutch.

    But you do need some help. If you can afford it
    (might not put on insurance as it will affect your premiums later), spend a few months -
    Perhaps every week for the first month and then every other week after that for several months (4-6) and say you want to emerge empowered. And with tools to function on your own. Your mother is NOT Changing. She is damaged. You need to become selfish now and learn how to not let this dominate you. Still, selfish does not mean self-obsessed and pitiful. It means empowered and putting your best interests first. The fact that you wrote to this forum is a good sign. You are ready. Good things will come.
    grammadidi's Avatar
    grammadidi Posts: 1,182, Reputation: 468
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    #6

    Mar 3, 2007, 10:13 AM
    I think you need to stop giving your mother so much control over your life. You are blessed with a good husband and wonderful children and you should be devoting your energies to yourself and them. Your mother is ill and cannot give you what you want, nor can she accept or understand what you want her to. Find other ways to build yourself esteem - hobbies, volunteer work, self improvement, family, etc.

    You might feel like you aren't strong enough but a huge part of it comes in initiating the change. If you focus on the negative it will be front and foremost. If you focus on the positive your life will improve. Try it for 3 months... I mean REALLY try it. If you still feel that you can't let go of the past or if it is affecting your life to the point that it is consuming your thoughts then you need professional intervention. In that case find someone who can support you through these life style changes - your family doctor, a therapist, your minister, etc.

    It's hard, but I really think you CAN do it! You sound intelligent and capable and have been making a better life for your children. That speaks volumes. Stop letting your mother's mistakes rule your life. Take control of it yourself... and fill your life with people who love and appreciate you. Your mother isn't killing you, it's your inability to let go.

    Hugs, Didi

    Quote Originally Posted by sophia3x
    The fact that you wrote to this forum is a good sign. You are ready. Good things will come.
    Excellent words... and so very true!
    sophia3x's Avatar
    sophia3x Posts: 14, Reputation: 7
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    #7

    Mar 3, 2007, 10:24 AM
    Our coping mechanisms are formed in pre and early adolescence. It is possible that you will need to go back and examine this with a pro. Many life issues take a stiff upper lip and common sense but you may be in a repeating spiral that you may not know how to get out of. Even if you only go a few times, you need to spill this "hate" and whatever guilt you feel caused it or didn't cause it.
    Was there ever reason for this "hate?" and while I doubt it, you need to talk it out.

    Your mother is not you - obviously - but in many ways... she is.
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #8

    Mar 3, 2007, 01:13 PM
    Check out this thread for more responses on the topic.
    tinsign's Avatar
    tinsign Posts: 275, Reputation: 66
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    #9

    Mar 3, 2007, 01:25 PM
    I think you are looking for her to give you praise and her approval of how well you are doing. Something you must realize is that she may never say it. Only you can stop her from being so negative and causing you so much hurt.

    The next time it happens do yourself a favor, tell her that if she can't find positive things to say toward you not to contact you. Tell her it is her loss to be missing out of her grandchildrens lifes.

    Also point out that someday she might be needing her daughters due to sickness or other things and if she can't at least be polite that she might find herself totally alone in a cold world.

    You have a family of your own now focus on them now, be the parent you wish she had been with you good luck to you and your family
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    Catsrascal101 Posts: 1, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Mar 10, 2007, 01:40 PM
    I ran across this site while surfing about mother and daughter relationships. I wanted to say a few things about this person's question. I have a similar situation as this one, only there are two girls, my mother treats my sister like an angel and treats me like I don't exist. I truly feel for you because I am facing the same delima. It took me years to finally realize that my mother will never change, no matter how much I had hoped she would. I was abused, mentally, physically and sexually, yet I still love my family. Crazy huh? Not really because I have learned to forgive, but it took me a long, long time. I finally realized that I had to just put her aside and say to myself. I am a good person, I don't deserve to be treated like this and I also did a lot of crying at night. Thinking I was this evil person she said I was. Finally I told her that I love her, but that she has no more control over my actions. I am a wife, mother and grandmother and she treats me like I am a 2 year old child who can't do anything without her help. So I am still grieving over my loss, because I had to accept the fact that she is no longer part of my life. I just had to go on and hope that one day, she would realize that she is the one losing here. She hates me to this day and tells me that I am the one who is selfish, cold hearted and don't care about anyone but myself. I just keep taking it one day at a time, and pray that one day things will be good again. I just wanted you to know that your not alone and that I hope you find a way to cope with the mother who apparently don't know what she is missing. Good luck to you and I wish you all the best.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #11

    Mar 10, 2007, 01:59 PM
    My advice,

    From some experience with other people who have experienced such emotional abuse. The best advice I can say is lose contact. You want to treat me like this and my children like this. I will not have it. I will not let you destroy my life or my family. I do not want anymore contact. No more contact with the children. I do not want them to go through what I did. Leave it alone and let it go and be happy with your new own family. Honestly you and your children or your husband does not need any of that. You are all better off without her in your life. Quite simple really. My wife has done that with her mother. Does not mean there will never be a reconciliation but as far as the continue abuse she stood up to her mother and now there is no more contact and she has been happier because of it, including myself of course. That is her loss. That is your mothers loss. She does not deserve your time.


    Joe
    Lillian42's Avatar
    Lillian42 Posts: 83, Reputation: 8
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    #12

    Apr 11, 2007, 08:34 PM
    It is horrible to have a parent like yours. You need to learn from her though and let it make you a stronger person. You need to let her know how she makes you feel and tell her if it continues that you will not tolerate it. You need to think strongly do it for yourself and family. Never let some one cut you down so low you feel the need to take your life there are so many things worth living for!
    mmccullock's Avatar
    mmccullock Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Apr 24, 2007, 12:21 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by KROSOL
    i am 27 years old and i need to know how to let my mother know that she is ruining me, emotionally and every other way possible. she has hated me most of my life, she flat out said it a couple years ago and told me the next time i tried to take my own life to do it right. now that i have fianlly got a decent life a good husband and wonderful children she still hates me. she does things and says things to be cruel for no apparent reason and she does not only do it to me she does it to all of her daughters, i just happened to get the worst of it and take it to heart worse than the others. i need her to know that she is killing me and that she is making me literally sick, but some how i cannot do it and neither can my sisters. what can we do she is gonna emotionally kill all four of us.
    I am 26 and my mothers hates me too. I come across her will today and found that she has left my daughter a letter telling her that I used to beat her and knock her down when she was little just to watch her cry. And saying that I was cruel to her. I find that ever since I became a teenager she hasn't liked me at all she has lied on me time and time again and she still does that. She tries to come in between me and my child, she tries to take over with her thinking she can do what she wants. The way I look at it if she wanted to be a mother to a child she should have been one to her own children. Everything she said I done to my child she did to me and a hell of a lot more. I am the only child she has left and she is killing any relationship I try to have with her. My two brothers won't have anything to do with her. I am going to leave it at that because this is upsetting me.
    caz6405's Avatar
    caz6405 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Nov 8, 2007, 08:38 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by grammadidi
    I think you need to stop giving your mother so much control over your life. You are blessed with a good husband and wonderful children and you should be devoting your energies to yourself and them. Your mother is ill and cannot give you what you want, nor can she accept or understand what you want her to. Find other ways to build your self esteem - hobbies, volunteer work, self improvement, family, etc.

    You might feel like you aren't strong enough but a huge part of it comes in initiating the change. If you focus on the negative it will be front and foremost. If you focus on the positive your life will improve. Try it for 3 months... I mean REALLY try it. If you still feel that you can't let go of the past or if it is affecting your life to the point that it is consuming your thoughts then you need professional intervention. In that case find someone who can support you through these life style changes - your family doctor, a therapist, your minister, etc.

    It's hard, but I really think you CAN do it! You sound intelligent and capable and have been making a better life for your children. That speaks volumes. Stop letting your mother's mistakes rule your life. Take control of it yourself... and fill your life with people who love and appreciate you. Your mother isn't killing you, it's your inability to let go.

    Hugs, Didi


    Excellent words... and so very true!
    Yes I agree, I'm going through a terrible time with my mother at the moment and I've decided the only option is to cut her out of my life and concentrate on own life and that of my children and partner. Reading your response has really helped me feel more positive. Thank you! Caz
    mitzi56's Avatar
    mitzi56 Posts: 12, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Dec 27, 2007, 07:01 PM
    Have you tried listening to your mother and her life situation. I found out one reason my mother was so abusive towards me was because she had a hard life before we came along abuse neglect a loss of a sister that I didn't even know she had. Mothers are like children, they like to be heard and tell their life stories too. Its just a shame I didn't get to tell her how much I loved her before she died. But if you know her life stories and she still is treating you and your sisters badly then maybe take the advice of these good people and move on with your life and keep sending those christmas and birthday cards, just to let her know you care for her whether she likes it or not.
    Sparrow53's Avatar
    Sparrow53 Posts: 1, Reputation: 2
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    #16

    Feb 15, 2008, 09:34 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by KROSOL
    i am 27 years old and i need to know how to let my mother know that she is ruining me, emotionally and every other way possible. she has hated me most of my life, she flat out said it a couple years ago and told me the next time i tried to take my own life to do it right. now that i have fianlly got a decent life a good husband and wonderful children she still hates me. she does things and says things to be cruel for no apparent reason and she does not only do it to me she does it to all of her daughters, i just happened to get the worst of it and take it to heart worse than the others. i need her to know that she is killing me and that she is making me literally sick, but some how i cannot do it and neither can my sisters. what can we do she is gonna emotionally kill all four of us.
    I am writing this because my mother hates me also. I will now tell you something that is easy to understand in your mind, but very hard in your heart: your mother has mental health issues. The fault is not yours.

    This is something you already know.

    When we grow up unloved we don't want to believe the problem is our parent, we want to believe we are at fault and they will do anything they can to prove this is so. I have followed this pattern throughout many adult relationships. I choose people who have difficult with intimacy and then blame the problems with the relationship on myself. I do this because in my heart I still don't want to believe my mother is the cruel, heartless person she is. I want to believe there is something about me which makes me undeserving of love. I have to accept my mother's sickness in order to move on.

    My mother has severe mental and emotional problems. Her pattern is to do everything she can to undermine my self-respect, self-confidence and self-love. When I break she points a finger and accuses me of having problems with my sanity. The real problem is that I don't give up on her.

    My relationship with my mother has to be distant. This is because time has proven I don't have the strength to weather her abuse. She knows when I am vulnerable. She will not stop until I crumble.

    She just sent me a self-help book for my birthday (message that I need mental help). That's like receiving a dieting book from my 300 pound sister.

    Maybe you see some of your situation in this. My advice to you. Stay away from your mother. Life is difficult enough without having people kicking us when we're down. The people we embrace into our life need to be: kind, supportive, loving and faithful. Discard the ones that don't fit.

    Choose your battles wisely. I don't battle with my mother, this is a fight I can't win. She has reinforcements; my father and brother. I don't battle, I stay away.

    Often an abuser will single out one person for the abuse. In our house it was me. Now that I have left she rotates her victims. Decide what you can do to help your sisters and let go of the rest. There are many things in life we can not change.

    God Bless.
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    muchneededbreakfromher Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Mar 16, 2008, 07:35 PM
    I am 41 and my mother is childish and very jealous. Your Mother Hates You Because You Are Everything That She Ever Wanted To Be! Don't waste time trying to figure her out just move on and live your life. My brother is her favorite and he is a complete loser! I help to care for his daughter because the mother and my brother went their separate ways and abandoned a their then 8 month old and now 2 year old baby! Still he is her perfect golden child as they use me for my money and take up my time as I am in law school only to try to ruin my life by trying to use my niece to stop me by distracting me from my studies knowing that I love her and only want the best for her.

    They wuill never take my achievements away from me and never will they distract me .
    If I could In would lose them in a dense forest but unfortunately I am stuck with the clueless fools.
    Ibiddie's Avatar
    Ibiddie Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    May 18, 2008, 06:28 PM
    I know you don't think you can cut your mother from your life, but that you're looking for help means that you're stronger than you think you are. If you REALLY can't, then you have to accept that your mother is a small, immature person. Treat her as you would a child... She doesn't know any better, but she's too old to learn better. Much as a mentally retarded person, your mother is emotionally delayed- and probably always will be. She doesn't know any better. Realize that you are doing wonderfully, but if you want a relationship with your mother, you may have to be the adult. She won't change. She can't. But you can.
    Suni2008's Avatar
    Suni2008 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    May 23, 2008, 11:05 PM
    Comment on Sparrow53's post
    Extremely articulate. This really helped me.
    Suni2008's Avatar
    Suni2008 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    May 23, 2008, 11:23 PM
    Is there any way that your family can persuade your mother to see a counsellor? Maybe if she could "talk at" someone, or vent her feelings in a psychologists office, she might be less likely to take out her problems on you or your sisters. Maybe the sister she gets on best with could make comments along the lines of "the way you were talking to me really frightened me....do you realise how much you hurt all of us?"
    I have a mother who hates me. She is happy when bad things happen to me, belittles me when good things happen. She is very aggressive and ironically wants to be appreciated for having been a wonderful mother who did everything for me. Even when I got a PhD, she kept going on about how it meant nothing, and that I was of very low intelligence! She was considered mentally backwards at school. She has a long history of mental health problems, which both me and my father have endured over the years. She was hospitalised a number of times during my childhood, but is in total denial it ever happened. I always used to think "she can't help the biochemical changes that are going on in her brain...it isn't her fault", but ultimately I grew up with no confidence, felt that I was responsible for all her misery, that I was a very difficult child etc. Now I realise that I have to keep my distance from her for the sake of my own sanity. I don't want the second half of my life to be dominated by my mother's problems. You are lucky that you have sisters that you can talk to. I was an only child, and grew up in isolation because we couldn't invite people round. However, I feel for my father. He is the only person who also remembers the truth. From his phone calls, he gets bullied by her on a daily basis, with her making unreasonable financial demands, refusing to seek mental health advice and expecting to be waited on hand and foot. At 76 he says he is too old to get a divorce, and there is no money to live separate lives. He is very depressed with it all, and all we can do is hope that eventually she will concede and agree to go to a therapist. You may have more power to get your mother to seek help, because there are four of you. If all of you say that something is wrong, she may have to admit that she is at fault and not you. Good luck.

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