I have this problem........my daughter keeps digging up the past and I am made to feel like I was the world's most horrible Mom. She doesn't like it when I have said "I don't know any mother/daughter who has the relationship like we have" and then she yells back that she doesn't care about others relationships. Mom and Dad decide WHEN and IF the granchildren are allowed to come to our house. YET, I have taken them to buy their school supplies, school clothes, have paid for lunches when Mom and Dad are short funds. Have done many things and this is how I get treated in return. My daughter will refuse to take me to like clinic appointments when I approach her. What can I do? I feel I am between a rock and a hard place.

fredg

Hi,
I am 63 yrs old, married almost 29 yrs to a wonderful woman, and have 1 grandson 8 yrs old.
Children can be, sometimes, very "weird" in their treatment of their Mom and Dad.
Your daughter apparently doesn't like to be reminded of the "old days", and still has some unpleasant memories of them, for whatever reasons.....may be they are just "all in her mind".
I know the feeling of being between a rock and a hard place. I really think the best thing to do is not make any comments to your daughter when she brings up the past. She has a problem, and saying anything you already have doesn't work!...as you said in your question here.
You sound like a wonderful granny, helping when you can, and doing for your grandchildren. Your daughter, for some reason, doesn't appreciate it fully right now.
The best suggestion I can offer is not to say anything next time she brings up the past. I do think that it will help the next time you have to go to the clinic, don't ask her to take you! Maybe you can find a neighbor or friend to take you. When your daughter asks why didn't you ask me? Just simply tell her you wouldn't take me before. I had to go.
Maybe then, she will begin to realize that she should treat you better, and take you the next time.
I do wish you the best of luck, and hang in there.

cfablemaster

i have faith that in the end it will turn out all right. and if you have faith it will turn out all right then it will.

orange

I'm 26, and I grew up in foster care because both my parents had schizophrenia. I've never been able to understand why my friends who grew up in pretty much "normal" situations are so mean to their parents. My biological parents are deceased, and I have "adopted" parents now, ages 62 and 65, and I talk to them about all kinds of things. I'm having a baby in the summer and I want my adopted mom to help out, and I'm already asking her for advice. I NEVER expect them to pay for anything for me or my fiance. They give gifts sometimes and that's more than enough. My fiance's parents live in another city, but they are always welcome in our home and I get along fairly well with them too. Of course being retired hippies LOL they are very laid back. My fiance is embarrassed by them but he works long hours at the hospital so he can get away haha.

I guess I'm not really answering your question... but I just HAD to comment on this because I don't get it myself. My biological mother died of cancer when I was 16, and although she had been extremely weird and abusive, I spent several hours with her each day in palliative care when she was dying. I knew she was ill and couldn't help the way she acted. I loved her and if she was still alive I would have her in my life. I wouldn't leave her alone with my kids, obviously, but that wouldn't mean I would have to cut her out of my life completely.

My friends say I don't understand or "get it". I guess maybe they take parents for granted, having always had them, whereas to me they are something really special that I feel lucky to have.

I can't imagine that you are such a horrible mother, or grandmother, for that matter. If you were, your children wouldn't speak to you or let you see your grandchildren at all. Many of my friends complain about their parents but when it comes to money suddenly they aren't complaining! That's kind of my "litmus test" ... anyways you sound great and take Fred's advice, I thought it was awesome!

Fr_Chuck

First things will not get better if we don't work at it.

In general it appears your daughter has many "issues" from the past. Our memory and impression of what the past was like differers. Most kids growing up see things so different from how thier parents see things.

Then when they have kids, they want things to be different.

First we don't buy grandkids things because we expect anything in return, to do so, only adds to more family issues. And also one never knows the influence that the daughters husband and his childhood adds into this.

My wifes dad has worked (too hard) at making up for his lack of being a dad when his kids were young. Often trying to hard merely pushes them away.

I am not sure they will, but without grandkids around, you, your daughter and her husband needs to sit down and talk honestly about your feelings and things like that.

Your idea of helping may be in her mind, my be interfering and telling her she is not able to do it by herself.

If everyone would even a good Christian Counselor can add to a relationship.

CaptainForest

Faith alone is useless.

I agree that faith is a part of the solution, but NOT the entire solution.

You have to have action as well.

This reminds me of the blonde who asks God to win the lottery. She had faith, but one day, God told her that she has to work with him and buy a lottery ticket.

Faith alone is useless. You need to take action.

When my grandmother got sick, yes we had faith she would get better. However, we did not just rely on the faith. We went out, got her the medication she needed as well.

grannyb

We have Wednesday Evening services at our church. I an my youngest granddaughter attended this evening. My daughter and her three children were there. The oldest came over and gave me a hug. We had communion and my daughter and her children were going up on the side next to me. She ignored me; didn't even look my way and kept the youngest son from seeing me. What/how can I mend this situation and not make it any worse than it already is. I as a grandmother cannot continue on this way. It isn't the way God would want this situation to be. Life is too short to have such tribulation in our lives. I NEED HELP HERE

talaniman

HI gran,I feel for you I have 5 grans and they are my life,even tho a visit from them wears me completely out!It is so sad that these young moms and dad's don't seem to know how much these little darlings are to us and at our age a little respect can go a long way.Sounds as if your daughter has issues she needs to deal with so for now I'd leave her alone cause I wouldn't have time for her crap and there's no way I'd even let her try to use the grans against me!Forget about making her go to counseling but is there someone close to the both of you that could maybe get to what her real issue is?grandad an aunt or uncle maybe to talk to her for you!you never know a trusted third party may be able to do what you can't.Good luck I hope this helps!

grannyb

Thanks for your reply but at this point I know of no one person who could do anything for us as far as our relationship. My daughter is just so bitter w/me and her one way of dealing is to not allow me to see the grans...they are oh so precious to me and it is just tearing me apart inside. I pray to God that he will somehow intervene between both of us and STOP this cruelty that is going on. I am afraid of my daughter because she has a wicked tongue when it comes to talking to me. Don't get me wrong, I love her very much bur what she is doing right now I just don't understand where she is coming from. I certainly appreciate all the responses to my posting. If nothing else, it is showing me that others can relate.

maurice7769

My husband and I are kind of running into the same problem with my
daughter in law and her family and my son.

I would try to do some type of volunteer work to get your mind off
of them, and give to people who deserve your love and kindness
because they obviously are taking you for granted, which is my problem.

They need to realize that they will only have one mother for the rest
of their lives, and they need to treat you with respect and dignity that
is due to you.