 | | | I'm Lost For Words.
Asked May 14, 2012, 06:23 AM
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62 Answers I have been seeing a married man for nearly three years now. We spend time in my house chatting and yes the other thing too and he takes me out in the day now and then for a meal but not that often. We have fallen out several times but he always comes back to me saying the intimate side is the best he’s ever had, he also started taking me out telling me he did not want to just be coming taking advantage of me which I thought meant his feelings were going a bit deeper now maybe.
We had an argument a few weeks back and he never text or came round for a while, I then text him and he said how much he missed me although it sounded as if he just meant the physical side. I got a bit upset and cried as I had not been feeling well and for the first time the sexual side was difficult for me too. I also was honest telling him he had two lives and that I wanted him to communicate with me more. When he left I had a text saying it did not feel right and that he thought he is upsetting me and messing my mind up and that he feels terribly guilty about using me. I told him I think we should have a break from it for a while and he thought it was a good idea.
Afterward I got angry with myself as I always do and started hurling abusive texts saying that he’s probably seeing someone else, etc. Then he got mad back and told me to give him some space. He is quite a loner sort of man, not arrogant or the sort of man who has lots of women on the go. In fact he’s quite anxious and nervous some of the time, too anxious to be a player. He says I'm hard work. It’s just I get angry as he shows interest in my life one minute and says he wants to take me out and respect me and treat me like a lady, asks about my family and wants to see pictures of them and then the next he seems like he’s desperate for the intimate side only. He will swing from one to the other. He has told me his wife sleeps on the sofa every night but that he does want her but she does not want him. He does not seem to want to try and get her back though and I cannot understand this. He seemed upset when we talked about this and seemed almost embarrassed at nearly getting emotional. He says he just sits indoors alone or doing things he needs to do, does not seem to go out much or have many friends.
Also he went on holiday with his family a few times but says they find it difficult to be together and it was hard and that they all stay out of each other’s way indoors too. I find this strange. What’s going on? I need some advice as I love him and want to try to bring him out emotionally and at least talk to me but it’s terribly hard. He seems like he’s trying to push me away one minute and cannot wait to see me the next. Do you think this sort of man I have described would be seeing someone else apart from me? I need advice as I love him and want to know if he has feelings for me. Thanks.
Thread Summary |
62 Answers
 | Junior Member | |
Jun 14, 2012, 04:29 AM
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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee  I disagree - he's got the best of both worlds.
For someone who is done with him you don't seem to be able to drop it.
And, again - why does his family life matter to you? You should be concerned - if it's your choice to continue the relationship - about your "life" with him, not his life with her.
He is presumably an adult. If he's unhappy he can leave. If he's not unhappy he can stay. | No as i can see there is both sides and no one knows as i have said. I would feel awful if i told him too go away and then found out his wife was really horrible and he was feeling awful for real. I am concerned as i love him and want to find out what is wrong so i can better understand where he is coming from.
As i said People stay in marriages for other reasons, they dont want to cause upheaval for kids ect. Although its better to leave. | | |  | Computer Expert and Renaissance Man | |
Jun 14, 2012, 04:48 AM
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Nothing has changed, has it? You are still trying to justify the fact that you not only enabled this man to cheat on his wife, but you encouraged him despite knowing he was married. Its not going to fly here.
If anyone is unhappy in a marriage, then they end the marriage. ONLY THEN can they enter a relationship with someone else. Anyone who enters into a relationship before the marriage is ended is enabling that person to cheat. And doing so is morally and ethically wrong. There is no moral or ethical justification for that. | | |  | Uber Member | |
Jun 14, 2012, 05:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Bubbles2222345 No as i can see there is both sides and no one knows as i have said. I would feel awful if i told him too go away and then found out his wife was really horrible and he was feeling awful for real. I am concerned as i love him and want to find out what is wrong so i can better understand where he is coming from.
As i said People stay in marriages for other reasons, they dont want to cause upheaval for kids ect. Although its better to leave. |
You are justifying cheating. | | |  | Senior Family & People Expert | |
Jun 14, 2012, 06:30 AM
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Poor thing, I feel for you as you have convinced yourself that this is a real relationship. It’s not because it’s built on lies and deceit, and you have fooled yourself to believe it’s real, and has a future. It doesn't unless you like what you have and accept it won't change.
Why do men (and women) cheat? Because it’s easy to find someone to cheat with! DUH!! You think if it was difficult they would work hard to do it? Hell all you have to do is blow sweet words, and LIES in a willing ear and tell them how miserable you are.
Works every time on a willing person looking for something to bring a thrill to their lives. It’s a lot easier than working on finding a real relationship, and growing it into something great for you both. No you just accept what he gives, and he takes what he can get, and when it gets hard, or too much work, I am sure he has a place to go besides home.
Whether his home in terrible, or great, doesn't matter because as you said if it were as bad as he says why is he still there? Why doesn't he leave where he is unwanted and miserable, and come where he can be comfortable and happy?
Because he doesn't have to because it’s not as bad as he says and divorce is too expensive, and a hassle, plus he has you for a quick fix, feel good when he needs it so why bother? He doesn't have to live with your crap both because he already has a female to b1tch at him or whatever, at home and he can leave you and disappear until you don't nag him and bring your own complications to him.
Men cheat because it’s the easiest thing to do. And you make it easy. So no worries, he will keep coming back until it gets hard, then he can just replace you with another easy, quick fix, feel good. You let him, because it’s easier being a part time mistress than being alone, or with someone who is available to do the hard work to build a relationship.
That’s why men cheat (and women), because there is always someone to give them what they want with no strings attached and make it easy to put up a sham relationship that they both can escape to. They can lie, cheat, and get release and say it’s real, without the work a commitment takes to make it really real.
When a marriage is built on lies and deceit, it’s unhealthy and dysfunctional. Same with a relationship, and affairs are no different, it’s just another dysfunctional unhealthy human interaction, but it’s easier to go along with the lies, and justify it because, that’s all you have. If you had a real life you were really happy with, then you wouldn't fall for this unhealthy crap.
Lie to yourself all you want, but don't expect people to believe it. | | |  | Expert | |
Jun 14, 2012, 06:35 AM
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Quote: |
ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.
| Bravo! Standing ovation! This woman will never learn and she will end up living a sad lonely existence. | | | | Junior Member | |
Jun 16, 2012, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee You are justifying cheating. | Im not trying to justify, just to look on both sides of which there are and many people just dont seem to want to see that. There are many people who say they stay in a marriage for their kids sake and do not want to cause an upheaval??, yes??? im sure even you have heard people say this???. Why do people just seem to want to deny that people can and do stay in an unhappy home for different reasons. Many people stay for years in marriages that have gone sour. | | | | Junior Member | |
Jun 16, 2012, 10:31 AM
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Originally Posted by talaniman Poor thing, I feel for you as you have convinced yourself that this is a real relationship. It’s not because it’s built on lies and deceit, and you have fooled yourself to believe it’s real, and has a future. It doesn't unless you like what you have and accept it won't change.
Why do men (and women) cheat? Because it’s easy to find someone to cheat with! DUH!! You think if it was difficult they would work hard to do it? Hell all you have to do is blow sweet words, and LIES in a willing ear and tell them how miserable you are.
Works every time on a willing person looking for something to bring a thrill to their lives. It’s a lot easier than working on finding a real relationship, and growing it into something great for you both. No you just accept what he gives, and he takes what he can get, and when it gets hard, or too much work, I am sure he has a place to go besides home.
Whether his home in terrible, or great, doesn't matter because as you said if it were as bad as he says why is he still there? Why doesn't he leave where he is unwanted and miserable, and come where he can be comfortable and happy?
Because he doesn't have to because it’s not as bad as he says and divorce is too expensive, and a hassle, plus he has you for a quick fix, feel good when he needs it so why bother? He doesn't have to live with your crap both because he already has a female to b1tch at him or whatever, at home and he can leave you and disappear until you don't nag him and bring your own complications to him.
Men cheat because it’s the easiest thing to do. And you make it easy. So no worries, he will keep coming back until it gets hard, then he can just replace you with another easy, quick fix, feel good. You let him, because it’s easier being a part time mistress than being alone, or with someone who is available to do the hard work to build a relationship.
That’s why men cheat (and women), because there is always someone to give them what they want with no strings attached and make it easy to put up a sham relationship that they both can escape to. They can lie, cheat, and get release and say it’s real, without the work a commitment takes to make it really real.
When a marriage is built on lies and deceit, it’s unhealthy and dysfunctional. Same with a relationship, and affairs are no different, it’s just another dysfunctional unhealthy human interaction, but it’s easier to go along with the lies, and justify it because, that’s all you have. If you had a real life you were really happy with, then you wouldn't fall for this unhealthy crap.
Lie to yourself all you want, but don't expect people to believe it. | I never said i thought it had any future, although i would if he wanted. Im not going around thinking its a real relationship at all. Im looking at both sides. As you said yourself he lives in a dysfunctional family life, then its not a lovely home life is it. And if he has somewhere else to go, why does he keep coming back to me saying he does not want anyone else. He has told me he wants to build on this and start respecting me and treating me like a lady which probably means maybe he wants to leave. You have a different eye on this . What do you say then about people who do end up in happy relationships with people who are married or divorced. These people started seeing these men when they were married and i have a friend who has done just that and ended up being happy with her boyfriend who has now left his marriage. She saw him fo a long time while he was still living with his wife. If you had said to her what you have said here then you would have been wrong would you not???. It does work out for some, do you not agree???. | | | | Uber Member | |
Jun 16, 2012, 10:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Bubbles2222345 Im not trying to justify, just to look on both sides of which there are and many people just dont seem to want to see that. There are many people who say they stay in a marriage for their kids sake and do not want to cause an upheaval??, yes??? im sure even you have heard people say this???. Why do people just seem to want to deny that people can and do stay in an unhappy home for different reasons. Many people stay for years in marriages that have gone sour. |
I think you raised this same issue and there was an entire conversation about it some posts ago - | | | | Uber Member | |
Jun 16, 2012, 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Bubbles2222345 I never said i thought it had any future, although i would if he wanted. Im not going around thinking its a real relationship at all. Im looking at both sides. As you said yourself he lives in a dysfunctional family life, then its not a lovely home life is it. And if he has somewhere else to go, why does he keep coming back to me saying he does not want anyone else. He has told me he wants to build on this and start respecting me and treating me like a lady which probably means maybe he wants to leave. You have a different eye on this . What do you say then about people who do end up in happy relationships with people who are married or divorced. These people started seeing these men when they were married and i have a friend who has done just that and ended up being happy with her boyfriend who has now left his marriage. She saw him fo a long time while he was still living with his wife. If you had said to her what you have said here then you would have been wrong would you not???. It does work out for some, do you not agree???. |
Quite frankly, he comes back because he can, you don't ask him to take out the garbage, he can complain to you and not be judged (obviously), you think he's the sun and the moon. And, for all I know, the sex is easy and good.
I'm also a little bit tired of hearing about your one friend who stabbed another woman in the heart in order to get that woman's husband. She's happy with him as her boyfriend? I note the word "husband" does not appear.
And to the mods - this is many, many posts into the same question. The same old ground is bring covered again - time to close? | | | | Senior Family & People Expert | |
Jun 16, 2012, 11:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Bubbles2222345 I never said i thought it had any future, although i would if he wanted. Im not going around thinking its a real relationship at all. Im looking at both sides. As you said yourself he lives in a dysfunctional family life, then its not a lovely home life is it. And if he has somewhere else to go, why does he keep coming back to me saying he does not want anyone else. He has told me he wants to build on this and start respecting me and treating me like a lady which probably means maybe he wants to leave. You have a different eye on this . What do you say then about people who do end up in happy relationships with people who are married or divorced. These people started seeing these men when they were married and i have a friend who has done just that and ended up being happy with her boyfriend who has now left his marriage. She saw him fo a long time while he was still living with his wife. If you had said to her what you have said here then you would have been wrong would you not???. It does work out for some, do you not agree???. | If you or them were so happy then what are you doing asking for help and advice for? Look around, do you see any "I am so happy post" here No!!! And do you honestly think people will condone cheating, lying, and deceit? You call me wrong, but you must be crazy if you think I will condone you being WRONG!!!
If you are happy cheating, then keep doing it, if you are happy with the crap the way it is, enjoy it and stop trying to get people to agree with what you are doing.
I have a life I am happy with and lying and cheating is not a part of it. If you and your friends are happy with what you have I am happy for you, but you and your friends have life and BS ALL mixed up! Just my opinion, and understand your friends haven't posted here, YOU have, and I bet he doesn't leave his wife, and if you try and make him, he will just get another chick on the side.
Hey it may work for a few to find happiness as a mistress, but few make it as a wife from a mistress. If you do, more power
to you. Let me know how it works for you. Quote: |
He seems like he’s trying to push me away one minute and cannot wait to see me the next. Do you think this sort of man I have described would be seeing someone else apart from me? I need advice as I love him and want to know if he has feelings for me. Thanks.
| What else would you expect when you share a guy with his wife and family? Sometimes he doesn't have time for you. You want to wait until he gets a divorce then WAIT!! If he will cheat on his wife, he will cheat on you if you make this too hard for him. What part do you not understand????? | | |
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