Hello everyone,
I am asking for help! I have a 33 year old daughter who it seems is always coming up with "why can't you treat me like a daughter should be treated, I have my own family and you just don't treat me like a daughter should be treated". What am I going to do here? I have been wracking my brain to try to come up with a solution but I am lost!! I keep asking her what she means when she says that to me and she says I have to figure it out myself! Duh, what is there to figure out if I don't know what I'm doing wrong? I say the wrong things because every word that comes out of my mouth is being judged right after it has been spoken--She has been sick most of this past week so yesterday my husband and I had to go to Rice Lake with a truck for his work; I asked if the children would like to ride along and then when I went to pick them up she was very distant with me; then it came out that No, I didn't have to do her a favor by taking the children if they stayed home they would just have to work for her around the house. She said her head was just spinning right now and I needed to leave her alone. On Wednesday of this past week I receive an email that states "you are so lucky to not have to deal w/any addictions. Life sucks for the rest of us. Thanks for helping me to realize this". AND then I get told I don't treat her like a daughter should be treated. HELP!! She's the only daughter I have and I can't go on living this with way, not knowing when the next bomb will explode.

Jesushelper76

Have you always tried being her best friend? Have you always tried telling her what to do and how to do it, even though she is 33? You need to try to get it out in the open because the longer it is hidden the longer it isnt dealt with the harder it will be and yes it will explode.

fredg

Hi, granny,
Your 33 yr old daughter sounds like she is having some problems, but does not want to talk with you about them. Being a Mom is sometimes difficult, and sometimes one just has to "let go", and let them find some answers for themselves.
At 64 yrs old, retired, my wife and I are very lucky to have 3 children (1 married), who accepts us, talks with us when we do get to see them. They moved away for better jobs than are available here in our local area.
She has given a "hint", by saying "leave me alone", so I would for now. I know it will be hard to not try helping her, but she needs some "space" for herself, and needs to find out, for herself, what's going on.
My suggestion is to not offer any help with anything, but just be there for her when she finally decides to confide in you. It might take awhile. It might also mean not seeing the children for a little while also.
I do wish you the very best of luck, and be there for her, but don't ask anything, don't offer any help right now.

lilfyre

This post made me laugh, I am sorry that you are having trouble with your daughter; it is a shame she will not define what a normal daughter is treated like. In some countries a man will sell his daughter like cattle, for house hold goods, in other countries people prostitute their children for money.

In my home my daughter gets up on a weekend and completes all her chores, which include laundry, dishes, floors, changing rescue cages then hay grain and water for the guinea piggies, then it is out side for yard work and then barn work, stalls hay grain and water. Then after she has finished her home work she might, just might get to hang with some friends. And week day are worse because now she has to go to school too.

Okay how does a mother treat a daughter, I thought it was they loved cared and provided for them, until they are a certain age.

bre1028

That's alot of work for your dughter to do.wow!i think a mother should help there children when they ask for help and not get into there life.

bre1028

when your daughter is ready to talk to you she will come.she'll be ok. I just think she just a little confused about maybe her life or something.

N0help4u

It sounds like she feels you are giving her too much of your own opinions to the point she feels like you are trying to run her life. I get that from her email "you are so lucky to not have to deal w/any addictions. Life sucks for the rest of us. Thanks for helping me to realize this" She is sarcastically telling you she doesn't appreciate you holding her faults or her decisions that you do not agree with or approve of over her.
As far as your "asking the kids if they wanted to ride along" while I think she may have been over reacting in an oppositional way (you were damned if you do damned if you don't) She was probably looking at it like you should have consulted HER wants rather than the kids wants. If you had said to her we are going to Rice Lake and thought maybe you would enjoy some time alone so we would more than gladly take the kids to give you a break........ Then she would have felt included and probably been more than glad to say okay and thank you and there would not have been a problem with you were damned if you did and damned if you didn't because she would have been the one to make the final decision.
I get the impression that maybe you are like the mother in Everybody Loves Raymond smothering them but not necessarily seeing what is THEIR interest and concerns.
Try thinking of the way you say stuff and any possible way she could take it the wrong way and try rephrasing it more to show concern of what she feels or wants rather than making her feel like it is an I think you should have.....type conversation.

julia 52

i have a mother like you and i also now see a therapist. i think love goes on forever. you sound like the evil step mother of cinderella.

julia 52

sounds like your daughter has issues with dependency on something. ask her if she needs help with emotional issues.

dontknownuthin

You briefly mentioned her reference to addiction. If she has an addiction she may just feel desperate and want someone to help her out of it. If she has an addiction, what I would do as a mother is get on the phone and start finding a treatment program that will take her today, the go over and offer to drive her there and take care of her kids until she's done. That would be what a mother would do. But the daughter can say "no", in which case you might not be able to make her happy.

If addiction is not the issue, I would say that you need to do something as simple as inviting her to go out to lunch (this could work if addiction is the issue, too). Plan something nice. Tell her you know things have been rough and you want to do better. Then at lunch, will yourself not to be defensive. Will yourself not to put her comments to the test of logic. She has feelings, and feelings whether they make sense or not, are legitimate. Sometimes people don't understand their own feelings, so the explanations are stupid. Just listen. You can say in a kind way things like, "this is hard to hear but a truly want to understand". And let her know you need to let some time happen so you can think through what she's said.

When she's done dumping on you (and it will be a major dumping if she participates at all), ask her some very simple questions like, "what would you like me to specifically do differently?" "Are there things you see other mothers and daughters do or ways they interact that you want with me?" Just open questions. She may not have answers and if she doesn't, just say, "well, honey, please give it some thought because I want to be closer with you, too, but truly I am at a loss and I need your help."

She may not have any legitimate issues with you, or if she's addicted, she may just be suffering and dumping on the safest person she can...mother's never go away no matter how badly we treat them!

Take care of yourself, and know who you are and what your intentions and efforts have been - protect your own feelings by remembering the ways you've been a great mom.

And know too if she's addicted, she doesn't make sense nor can she. Part of the disease.