Okay here goes a long story. Hope you are all ready for it. When I was 17 years old I left home. I had a baby sister at the age of 4 when I left. There was many problems. Many fights. Many things that led me to leave home. I went very very far away. I came back to visit a few times. Anyway, they were involved in my wedding. Before Christmas my little sister came up to visit me on the plane she is now 15. It was a good visit. I thought. Then I drove her home and surprised everybody for christmas. It was almost a 30 or more hour drive, because of weather. Christmas morning. My little sister was whinning and whinning getting rude and ignorant. I started in on her, I said I ever since we came back you been nothing but rude and nasty and your parents may put up with it but I wont. Thank you very much for such a lovely Christmas. She would not talk to me and of course my mother told me I had no right to step in. I said you let her do whatever she wants. She was allowed to stay out at her boyfriends until 11 at night everynight. She would come out yelling at her father telling him what to do. Trying to tell me what to do. My asthma and allergies were bothering me because of the animals so they had a filter going. One day my sister decides to hide it because it is keeping her awake. I left. I wrote a letter saying to her she had no right acting the way she did. She was rude and nasty and hateful the whole time I was up there and my parents may allow it to happen but I personally will not put up with it. To hide the air filter, when I need it to breath properly. To tell me how I should or should not play with the family dog. I got a letter like three months later saying that when I left home, as far as she is concerned I died. She will never forgive me for deserting my father or mother. How she hopes that I never have children and so forth. That how I am never allowed in her house. Which I told her I do not want to be because there is always way too much negativitiy there and that is why I left in the first place. I waited 6 months to tell my family that my wife is pregnant. Next thing you know there is this big turnaround. My little sister says everything is in the past. I said I just want possitive energy, positive influence. She acted as if she wanted the same. I do not want any of the crap that was happening before. She wanted to come up and help. She said she could work up here temperolarly. I was getting excited for the help and having her up here. She kept going on about it over and over again. Her mother is scared of everything. Saying you can not work up there because it is too dangerous. I am like come on. The next day she changes her mind after talking to her mother. I said to her that mother is scared of you working up here. There is no reason why you can not come up it is not as bad as mother thinks it is. We live in a good area. Then she started going on about me moving down there. I am like I am not sure. Then about travelling and visiting with the baby. How old does the baby need to be able to travel. I said I do not know. We went back and forth on messenger and email about the baby and when I told her that I do not know when the best time to travel is and that there are better doctors for both my wife and the baby here. She ended up getting very nasty. Swearing and cursing and acting like a spoiled brat again.

She keeps going on about the baby and us moving and going on about how she is going to miss out on everything. I guess she is blaming me for that now. Quite honestly though if she is going to be acting like this I do not want to write to her, or talk to her or not have her involved at all because she knows I do not put up with that. I understand that she is 16 years old and still a child. It hurts so much when she acts that way, but I do not want that around my baby, myself or my wife.

Just a little more back ground. When I was a teenager, I stayed at home alot. I started going out with friends when I was 17 and all we did was hang out at the donut shop. Well I was walking home around 8 oclock at night and my mother came gave me a third degree and told me to get home. When I did get home there was a list of rules from my step father that I had to follow or I was out of the house. One rule was I had to ask permission before drinking or eating anything. I had also the tendancy to fall asleep with the tv on, so my step father shut off the power to my room. One day everybody was out I made a tuna sandwhich. My stepfather came in and gave me the third degree about making the sandwhich without permission. I got angry punched the wall, as I was going down stairs he shoved me. I told my mother when she came home. She did not believe me, my step father kept going on about how I need a help I said your the one that needs to see they phychristrist. You want to go at me, come on. Beat the crap out of me and I will just call the cops. So he came after me, put me to the ground. It took my 45 year old cousin to get him off of me. So that was it. I left and never looked back. If I even argued with my mother or disagreed I got a slap in the face. I tried helping out with chores but nothing was good enough. One time I was watching my sister, and she was getting into something. I told her not to do it. She ran to my mother and right in front of her she would say your not her parent you can not tell her what to do then turn around and ask me to babysit but I refused. Then she would get mad about me refusing to babysit.

Anyway, now my sister is allowed to do whatever, say whatever, act in whatever way. Staying at her boyfriends house everyday untill 11 at night. I could not believe the difference. My theory and others say that they do not want to be strict and let her do whatever she wants because they are afraid she is going to leave too. So complete opposites.

I personally for me it was the best thing that happened to me. Finished schooling, very good job, now married and having children. I do not think it would be a good idea to be close to them. I do not want that negative influence around us. I just want nothing to do with it. The way my mother and sister see it is that I am in the wrong. I just will not put up with that kind of behaviour.

So what do all of you think? I know it was very long. Gave a lot of back ground. All I have to say is that My wife and I together without the family is so much better. At the same time I would love to have the family help and be a part of our new family but not if it is going to full of hatred, and other things. None of us like arguing with family. Neither of us take it very well. We seem to be the happiest when we are doing our own thing. We see lots that we do not like and we want to make sure it does not happen in our family. We both come from families with step parents. So anyway, I am going to end this now.

Thank you in advance! Joe
I guess I just needed to get it off my chest and I did not want to keep it inside and let it fester or effect my new family.

CaptainForest

Wow

Sorry to hear about the rough childhood Joe, but I am glad you are in a better place now…

I agree with you. I wouldn’t want all that negative energy around as well, especially around the baby.

Maybe your sister will grow out of it in 5 or 10 years, but until then I would be careful.

I would also be a bit concerned about letting your sister baby sit. If she would hide your air filter, that is just spiteful, what would she do with a baby? It cries a lot.

But, only you know if she has matured since then, but I would be careful.

Jesushelper76

Thank you Captain,

I think it is best to stay away, them not moving here. Myself not moving there. No one visiting. Just because of the behaviour. I am very weary about it as well.

Thanks again! Joe

P.S. I guess this could go in the introduction too? (:

valinors_sorrow

For what its worth, Joe, my husband and I are happy as clams (mostly) even with the sadness of being totally estranged from both our original families. Its a matter of what you are willing to give and receive. We largely gave honesty, tolerance, and respect and we received largely manipulation, guilt and anger - all in the name of love and family. C'est la vie.

phillysteakandcheese

I think you are on the right path, and I can see how your parents changed their tune after you left (and the results it has had on your sister).

I think you do want to keep the distance between yourself and them, but remain open to communication. I wouldn't want the "negative energy" around me either, but they are still your family and over time, hopefully your sister will mature and come to understand what opposite upbringings you both had.

DrJizzle

Wow... quite a story. First of all, there is no reason at all that you should comsider rearranging your life (moving back home or to your home town) just to accomidate them.

Also, sometimes things like this can actually help mend some family problems.... note: I said sometimes. Dont write it off but dont go out of your way. From the sounds of things, it is them that must prove themselves to you now, if they want to be part of the new baby's life.

If you sister wants to come up to visit, fine. But let her know that she is in YOUR house now and the rules of HER house just dont fly anymore. And I would suggest that she just visit for now... moving in is quite a big jump.

Just remember, this is your life now... not theirs.

valinors_sorrow

I know what you mean... family is not supposed to be about abuse of any kind but rather shelter from the storm. Welcome to my new family then Joe. Its a lot better this way.

Jesushelper76

I do agree with you Val, Thank you very much for taking the time to respond to everything. I know It is very long. I just had to share it with others and get some thoughts back. Thank you for your help again. I do realize that it is better the way you have described it.

orange

Wow I just read everything about your family Joe... sorry it has taken me so long to respond, but as you know I've been having family issues of my own...

You definitely should not be re-arranging your life just to suit your biological family. If you want to include them in things, that's your decision, but that doesn't mean they need to be really close to you geographically. In fact, a little distance is usually good in situations like this. From what you've said, your little sister doesn't sound mature enough to help care for the baby. A baby is not a toy or a pet. I agree with CaptainForest... if she hid the air filter from you, she's obviously still a narcissistic teenager, who could possibly harm your baby if she gets frustrated with its crying.

It would be much better for you to maintain some nominal degree of communication with your sister and family (if you want to, that is!) and slowly get to know them again, rather than rushing into things too quickly. Your sister is angry with you for leaving and she still has a lot of growing up to do. I think she may possibly be easier to get along with in a few years, when she's out on her own and experienced the "real" world, but until then, I would be careful.

In any event, I'm so sorry to hear about the bad things that happened to you as a child and teenager. But I'm glad that you're doing so well now. Your wife and your baby are your "real" family now, and the baby definitely deserves your protection, and the best possible start in life. My biological parents are both deceased, but I can tell you that if they were alive, I would be seeing very little of them, and I would definitely be wary of having them around my kids, especially my baby. And I wouldn't feel guilty about it in the slightest.

Take care, Joe, and let us know how it all turns out!

Cassie

What a story. I admire you for becoming the good man that you are. We all want to be a part of a family. It sounds as tho you really need to stay put and cherish your wife and child. It is too bad your parents have chosen to raise your sister the complete opposite as you. You may have left but look at how well you have done.

I agree with everyone else, your sister should be welcome to visit, not live. If a visit is a little stressful, it will end soon. Living with you is a different matter, if you were to have to ask her to leave, that would really make some scars in your relationship. I too would be worried she would be mean to the baby. She sounds like her moods can flip quite quickly if she does not get her way or is inconvenienced in any way. Heavens knows babies can be an inconvience at times.

I think you may have to resign yourself to the fact you will never have the relationship you want with your family. You can visit them with no expectations, and raise your family as you see best. You will soon have a beautiful family of your own with lots of positive light all around you. Bless you