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Dying husband and his family doesn't seem to care unless its convenient!
Hello. This is my first time posting here. I am looking for some opinions from people other than family members regarding this situation:
My husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 years ago and was not given long to live. At that time, his family called, sent cards but nothing more than that. He has a mother, 2 sisters and a father as well as many aunts, uncles and cousins.
In the past 3 years he has gone thru numerous treatments and surgeries. His father has seen him once, one of his sisters - 0 and the other sister 1 or 2 times. His mother has seen him maybe a handful of times, even though she has visited the area numerous amounts of times.
About a month ago - my husband was told that he had only a few weeks to a couple of months to live. His mother happened to be in the area and we met on conveyed the information as well as my husbands last requests.
I am concerned that when he passes - that at the wake - his family will become the grieving spectacle that you only see on tv.
At the time of this meeting - we spoke about visiting and spending time with my husband. From that point, she never came to see him again and has called twice. His one sister offered to come visit - as if she was doing us a favor - this is the one that has not come to see him in 3 years.
The other sister - well my husband was told 3 years ago that he had 6 months to live if the chemo didn't work wedding date after we got the news for the same time frame. Not earlier so her brother could be there -
She just sent us an email asking us when we go away on vacation to the beach so she could come see us.
Is she kidding - my vacation with my husband and oh - yeah - we have 2 sons ages 6 and 4 - and she wants to invite herself on our vacation??? That is not a vacation!!!
I wrote her an email back pretty much saying that if she wants to visit her brother she can do it at any time but not when we are having time together. Besides the fact that we do not know if he is even going to be alive at that time!!!
Ok - thank you for letting me vent - please feel free to ask me questions or make comments!!!
My question is - what would you do in this situation?
Family can be hard and cruel and often don't know what to say and will even avoid a dying person, since they don't know what to say or do and think they have to say or do something, not just be there.
Other times they don't want to deal or talk about death. My one son has never spoken about his mothers death, did not go to her funeral, did not go to his grandfathers funeral and will not really even talk about any of it still to this day.
You spend the time with him the best you can, and remember him when he is gone. And let them be jerks if they wish, that is thier right to do so too.
I can agree with the above and add: Who really knows how to deal with death?
While you see this time as a time to be with your husband, experiencing every second of his life until the end, his family just doesnt feel the same. I really think this is a normal reaction in a way. We as people are so desensitized by TV to the reality and emotional stress of death, we tend to ignore it. For you it is in your face reality every day 24/7. For them, they are family outside of the home. How often did they visit when he was healthy? I would expect no more than that amount of visiting now compared to then.
I think they all have deep sympathy for you, have sadness, and feel bad for your husband and you. But they have their own lives, their own families to care for, and if its not in their face, they just cant connect with it.
I think you have the right to be a little angry with them not meeting your expectations, but maybe you need to look at where you are coming from mentally on this one. You are sad and angry your husband is dying. you have no control over this horrible drawn out event. He suffers, you watch and suffer beside him. You want to yell and scream and blame something for this unfair event. So you take what amounts to be a slight anger and you push more into it.
You make it the focus of your anger.
Do you really care if they do or dont come by? If they were so close to you and your husband, they would be there.
A solution maybe, invite them to a party they can all attend to. If you can, help them get there to you if they live far away. Explain to each person how very important this is to your husband. He wants to say goodbye and know that they care and love him. Tell them how it hurts you to watch them not come. Do not only express your anger here. You have other more important feelings to show now.
When in any situation, be compassionate and loving. Only love and understanding will change the world.
i am so sorry for your loss. If it makes any difference, I would come to visit your husband and you right now if I could. Not because I know you, but to see in real life the living embodiment of true love. You care so deeply for him and you hurt. Know that it is understood and respected by many that read this cry for understanding. In the end, he and you can truly say you loved and were loved in return.
Hi, Mcat,
I am sorry to hear about your husband. My wife had tongue cancer, small cancerous nodule, near base of tongue. She went through chemo and radiation treatments in 2004, and had other breathing problems with her lungs as a result. I retired in 2005, to stay home and take care of her. We are so blessed that she is now "cancer free". We also attended some Group Support meetings, and they did help when we first going through this.
With that said, families can be something else! It wasn't "family" who offered to help me with my wife, since I became the sole "primary care giver". It was friends; very good friends.
Your other answers are very good. I would like to add that good friends don't always take things for granted, like some families do.
When the time comes, I do hope it doesn't turn into a "spectacle", as you describe. But for the meatime, there is NO reason you can't take some time off, a vacation, just for you and him, and your sons together; no one else.
It's not inappropriate for you to just say "no", I'm sorry, but this is our time together; and leave it at that.
I do wish you the best, and hope you can have the time by yourselves.
Thank you to everyone for their responses. Those are the thoughts I was looking for!! Thanks for offering to come see him - he might like that.
His family was never around before he got sick. I think it annoys me because my family is so supportive. As a parent - I can't imagine not rushing to spend time with my child. But that is me, I rush to help anyone - just like my husband.
He had chemo yesterday and was in a bad way last night. He is still sleeping!!
Please keep posting - they are helping me clear my head of bad thoughts!!!
without getting into the details, weve experienced a similar situation. i started to explain it, but id just rather not air out all the noise here.
i guess you just cannot get into the heads of all the family. some may be greiving silently at a distance, some might be in denial. if he passes and there is a big production at the wake, i guess try not to let it get to you too much... not all families function the same, and their greiving may be more than for show, however misguided their actions are now.
most people have good intentions in general, but most also have selfish reasons backing up their actions, myself included... chances are they are just misguided and not intending to hurt him or frustrate you. i know its driving you mad. you know he deserves better.
you just cannot fix this situation. dont spend too much energy on it. enjoy the time with your husband, and try to let them go their way. vent here and to others if you need to.
the dumb things we do in our life are hopefully outweighed and outlasted by the good. sounds like you are doing a lot of good.
without getting into the details, weve experienced a similar situation. i started to explain it, but id just rather not air out all the noise here.
i guess you just cannot get into the heads of all the family. some may be greiving silently at a distance, some might be in denial. if he passes and there is a big production at the wake, i guess try not to let it get to you too much... not all families function the same, and their greiving may be more than for show, however misguided their actions are now.
most people have good intentions in general, but most also have selfish reasons backing up their actions, myself included... chances are they are just misguided and not intending to hurt him or frustrate you. i know its driving you mad. you know he deserves better.
you just cannot fix this situation. dont spend too much energy on it. enjoy the time with your husband, and try to let them go their way. vent here and to others if you need to.
the dumb things we do in our life are hopefully outweighed and outlasted by the good. sounds like you are doing a lot of good.
Thank you - you do seem to understand what I am going thru!
dear Mary,
there's hardly anything to add,after the wise and sensitive posts above.
I'd like to add one or two more things:
it might so happen, that his family tries to deny the whole thing - as kp2171 pointed out -his parents, or his mother, at least (and i see this through a mother's eyes). it might be unbearable for his parents. in this way, they push it away. when the terrible day comes, it will be very difficult for them to face the reality of the loss, and THEN, they will for sure feel a lot of grief not only because of their loss, but also because of these last memories of him, which they won't have.
it might very well happen that they don't wish to see him now, when he obviously looks rather bad, they might prefer to remember him as he was all his life. when my mother died (of cancer) she didn't want any of her friends to come to the hospital - she said she didn't want them to remember her the way she looked at the end.
when someone dear dies, one of the most normal feelings we have is anger - sometimes even towards the dying person. There's a very good book which deals with the whole thing: "Of Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.
I'm not trying to make them "look better", and i understand perfectly well what you're going through, i only tried to make it a little easier for you - after all, you have enough to deal with, especially emotionally.
we can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends, and the people who are important to you and your family, are those who've always been around, in good days and in bad. they will also be the persons to provide the support you'll need.
"A friend in need is a friend indeed " is not an empty phrase, and i think that all the people here, on the board, will always give you the needed support .
Write us, and use your strength wisely.
Millie
(whose heart and thoughts are with you)
Those are great thoughts, however, he doesn't look any different - just thinner.
My dad just died in February after an 8 month battle. Unfortunelty, I know first hand about death and dying - plus my husbands 3 year illness.
You have all hit the nail on the head with the definition of friends. Thank god that we have all the friends in the world - they have been fabulous. They drop everything and run - unlike his family.
My main concern now is what Millie said about his family and grief. I have a feeling that they are going to play the faithful, caring family that they are not.
Anyone have any suggetions on what do to when they "play it up"?
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