I need some advice. I have a granddaugher that lives in another state with her mother. My son (the father) is married and lives about 45 minutes from me. He was never married to his daughter's mother, and has never paid child support, but his daugher visits him every christmas and during the summer. My son's wife has 2 children from her first marriage, has joint custody with their father, but he does not pay any child support, so therefore my son supports her and her children (she does not work). My granddaugher gets to come down for the summer every year (she will be 7) and has been here for christmas the last two years. I usually get to see her maybe 4-6 days while she is here, and maybe 2 days by herself because of the other children. Any clothes, toys, etc. that she receives while here has to be left at her daddy's house (stepmom's rule). If she gets winter clothes at christmas, she will send them home the following christmas and by then she has outgrowed them. The same is true for the summer, if she gets new clothes, they stay at her house until the next year, then they are send home (and my granddaugher can't wear them). My daugher-inlaw and son has not stepped foot in my home in a year. and I never get to see her children except when my granddaugher is here. They do not make an effort to celebrate holidays with us, it is always with her family or my son's father and his family.
My one weekend alone last year ended in the huge fight because I took my granddaugher to get her picture made, and she gave her daddy something for father's day.
I am planning to take my granddaughter to walt disney world in may, but my daugher-in-law is very upset because I am not including her 2 children. She and my son are saying I am totally wrong by just carrying one and not the other two. I have ok'd this trip with my granddaugher's mother and feel my son and his wife have not right to dictate to me whether I can take my granddaugher on a trip or not. If my son supported his child, and if his wife would make me feel part of the family, I might would do different. Am I totally offbase and wrong to do something special for my granddaughter?
You are not off-base at all. The 2 other children are not your grandchildren. Your son and DIL don't make an effort to have them in your life - so they are just looking for a free trip to disney world.
As far as clothes and such - that is ridiculous. Who is getting the use of the clothes? That makes no sense to me at all.
If I were you, I would ship the gifts directly to the mother. Why is no child support being paid?
I would go on with your plans and not feel guilty.
I agree completely with NowWhat - great advice. Help your grand-daughter and her mother as much as you are able. It's really rough being a single parent, and without the other parent contributing financially, it's quite hard to make ends meet even for educated, working parents. Send gifts to her at her home, or if you want to see her open them, give them to her at your home and ship them to her mother immediately. Do not even tell your son that you've given the gift - none of his business anyway.
As for the trip, you are not obligated to take the other children. They are not your grandchildren legally or biologically and while you should treat them well, they have their own grandparents and apparently your son's support - that should go to his own daughter - is going to them.
I have no objection at all - in fact I have admiration - when a man or woman helps support and raise the children of their spouse from previous relationships. I just think it stinks when they do that but do not support their own children - it adds insult to the original injury. Nothing you can do will make up for your son's behavior, but your efforts to be kind and helpful and supportive and loving to her and her mother will certainly take some of the sting out of it and make your grandaughter feel that while her dad is a dud, her dad's family is loving.
I applaude you for taking matters into your own hands and showing your grandaughter that you love her and that you are making every effort to be part of her life. It sounds like your son and daughter in law are immature and have a lot of growing up to do. Maybe you can start asking for your own visitation with your granddaughter through the mother. You can go to court and have the papers drawn up, and your son will not be able to do anything about it. I suggest all clothing, toys etc you purchase, you mail to her mother so that she can have them throughout the year. Do not send those gifts to her fathers house. Good luck!
I think it is wonderful that you are trying to make time for your granddaughter. I think it's great that you and her mom can talk to each other and make arrangements like you have. I think your son needs to take care of his own kid and expect his wife to at least attempt to care for her own kids. She should have sued for support and should work if she can.
As far as taking your granddaughter to disney, GOOD FOR YOU! It will be a terrific trip and she is at just the right age to blend the fun with the fantasy. You most certainly are doing nothing wrong by not including your DIL kids. This is a special time to be spent with your only granddaughter, whom you rarely get to see.
As far as Christmas stuff, let your granddaughter open the things from you and then send it to her mom's yourself. You want her to get use out of her toys and clothes, right? I never understood people who were like that. It sounds to me like your DIL is incredibly jealous that she wasn't the "first" woman in your son's life. She sounds controlling and childish. She certainly isn't able to think about what is best for her husband's daughter. You go Grandma! Someone needs to put that poor little girl first!
Thanks for all the support!!! My son and DIL are now threatening that I will not be allowed at their house anymore nor will my granddaughter be allowed at mine if I got through with this trip. I've really never been welcome at their house. I was told "you better enjoy the trip".
So I plan to enjoy my trip and will deal with them later!!! One day, my son will need me. He always does!!!
I would just tell him, do not make threats that you are not going to be able to follow through with. And make plans to get your granddaughter with the mother.
I need some advice. I have a granddaugher that lives in another state with her mother. My son (the father) is married and lives about 45 minutes from me. He was never married to his daughter's mother, and has never paid child support, but his daugher visits him every christmas and during the summer. My son's wife has 2 children from her first marriage, has joint custody with their father, but he does not pay any child support, so therefore my son supports her and her children (she does not work). My granddaugher gets to come down for the summer every year (she will be 7) and has been here for christmas the last two years. I usually get to see her maybe 4-6 days while she is here, and maybe 2 days by herself because of the other children. Any clothes, toys, etc. that she receives while here has to be left at her daddy's house (stepmom's rule). If she gets winter clothes at christmas, she will send them home the following christmas and by then she has outgrowed them. The same is true for the summer, if she gets new clothes, they stay at her house until the next year, then they are send home (and my granddaugher can't wear them). My daugher-inlaw and son has not stepped foot in my home in a year. and I never get to see her children except when my granddaugher is here. They do not make an effort to celebrate holidays with us, it is always with her family or my son's father and his family.
My one weekend alone last year ended in the huge fight because I took my granddaugher to get her picture made, and she gave her daddy something for father's day.
I am planning to take my granddaughter to walt disney world in may, but my daugher-in-law is very upset because I am not including her 2 children. She and my son are saying I am totally wrong by just carrying one and not the other two. I have ok'd this trip with my granddaugher's mother and feel my son and his wife have not right to dictate to me whether I can take my granddaugher on a trip or not. If my son supported his child, and if his wife would make me feel part of the family, I might would do different. Am I totally offbase and wrong to do something special for my granddaughter?
Wow - I have been in almost the same situation in the past. I'm surprised that no one pays any child support -- the state I live in requires that the name of new employees be listed with a database that directly reports on a federal level, and will garnish wages if need be. So I must say your son is very lucky in that respect. I live in Atlanta and my grandson (whom I raised until he was 3--my son was overseas in the Marine Corp and his wife was bi-polar in Arizona) was given back to his Mom at that time, even though he had no remembrance of her, and she was the one that always asked me to come and get him, bring him back to Atlanta so that he would be safe. He is now 15 and lives with my son here since he was 10, and has not seen his Mom since then. She is not interested, and I guess that is because of her disease. So, I can speak to you with knowledge. I always had my grandson for summers and some holidays, my son came to stay with us during that time. Your son has NO business telling you what you can do in regard to your grandaughter. He does not support her, he does not include you in HOLIDAYS! AND you has not been to your house in 1 year? He has not stepped up to the plate to support her, and her mother must be a saint to let her come for summers and holidays. Cultivate your relationship with the girl's mother, and enjoy her. She will grow up so fast, and she needs to know that she is loved by you. Is this your only grandchild? I would explain in no uncertain terms to your son that this is a relationship that has nothing to do with him, his wife, or her two children. I would also tell him you would love to shower those two kids with food, a present, etc. on Christmas or Thanksgiving. They should lerarn to SHARE holidays, and invite her family to come also, if she needs to be with them EVERY holiday. Sorry to be so blunt, but I know how you can become to confused...thinking that maybe you are nuts. NO SO. You are absolutely right.
Jane B
Since your son never married your granddaughter's mother, I don't believe he has any custody rights. (Unless he has sought them, which it doesn't sound like he has.) Her mother allows her to visit, but it is not court ordered, correct? If yes, make nice with the mom and see if she can come visit you solely and bypass your son and his wife completely.
Don't blame this all on your daughter-in-law. Your son is allowing her to be this controlling and demanding. She sounds like a real piece of work, you are better off without her in your life.
Call their bluff. Like you said, they'll be calling you wanting something before long.
Enjoy the trip. Arrange the visits through the child's mother. Your son doesn't take any responsibility for her, so he likely doesn't have the right to interfere in what you do.
I think not being allowed to visit your son and his wife is blessing. Who would want to? They sound very controlling and selfish, and this is really about greed - for some reason they think you owe her children a trip to Disney and, of course, the other shoe would certainly drop if you relented - your son and his wife would expect you to include them, too!
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