My first time here! I need advise on how to handle a situation with my daugther-in-law. She and my son have two wonderful boys, 3 and 9 months. She is an amazing mom and wife to my son and I would not change a thing where that was concerned. Our problems began when my first grandson was born. I felt that i was completly shut out. When addressing the sitaution I was told that "her mother raised her and she trusted her mom to help raise her children the same way". I reminded her that she married someone that I had raised and so far I have not heard any complaints. We seemed to have worked things out until the other day.
I met her to pick up the baby while she went to a meeting. On my way home I went by a friends to get something from her and to introduce her to my grandson since she has never met him. I spent no more than 15 minutes there. My daughter-in-law called me the following day and informed me that she did not appreciate that I did that and the "I majorly crossed the line".
I took the blame in not telling her about my decision to go by my friends, which I decided after I left her. She said it would not have made any difference. "I don't want my kids drug all around and I don't care if it was 15 minutes or 15 hours. You crossed the line!"
I went by their home and told her that I did not appreciate the way she talked down to me and that I am an adult and not her 3 year old child. I held my temper because of my grandsons and my son and in the end left feeling as if nothing was resolved.
If I was wrong in this situation okay. But I am not the "babysitter" I am their grandmother. Oh, that is another thing. I am called "Grandma Sue" where her mom is called grandma. I feel as it that is a name reserved for a step-grandparent or neighbor. My husband who died last died was even called "Papa".
Am I being to sensitive?
I don't know why she felt that you crossed the line, is there more to this story because what you did isn't that big a deal. I admit when my mother-in-law watched my children it always made me nervous. She gave me many reasons to feel that way though.
Talk to her. Ask her why she's so upset about what you did.
As for the Grandma Sue, we did that too, so that the kids could differentiate between grandparents. It's hard for kids to understand that there are two people you call Grandma or Grandpa. We had Oma and Opa for my parents and Grandma for my mother-in-law. It made it easier for the kids.
That is the problem. I wish there was more to the story. My son didn't seem to think I had done anything wrong but he is the one married to her and has to "keep the peace" I guess. I did ask what the big deal was and that is when she said that she did not want her kids drug all around. When it comes down to it I only see them when asked to baby sit or when I call and ask to. I have even asked what I did to upset her towards me. She said nothing but there is something there...I just know it.
Oh, and I have asked to be called something other than Grandma Sue. I hope I am not sounding like a needy grandmother. I just want to have a good relationship with her and not feel as if I have to walk on egg shells when with my grandkids.
May I begin by saying that, based on what you wrote, I don't think you "majorly crossed a line." You're a grandma. Grandmas are supposed to want to show off their grandbabies. It's practically the law.
That being said, it's important to remember in these sort of situations that we have no idea what's going on inside your daughter-in-law's head. What you're thinking and feeling makes all kinds of sense in the context of your life, and I'm sure that whatever she's thinking and feeling could make as much sense if she could explain it. And some people have a hard time explaining those sorts of things. But if you start by giving her the benefit of the doubt (which is hard, I know), it may help you as you approach her about this problem.
I don't know why she's being the way she is, of course. It may stem from how she was raised. She may be under the (false) impression that if she lets her extended family help raise her children, it reflects badly on her ability to be a mother. I can't know.
But if it comes to the point where you do need to talk to her about it, I'd suggest not "confronting" her, but instead go to her and tell her how you feel. Maybe say something like, "The last thing I want to do is undermine you as a parent. I don't think you need my help to raise your children. You're a wonderful mother and a wonderful wife to my son, and I'm so grateful for that. The reason I offer to take the kids is because I love them and want to be around them, not because I'm trying to do your job. They're your kids, and I know that, and I'm so proud of them and of you. I love you and your family, and you know I'll always offer my help if you ever *should* want or need it, but I have absolutely no doubts about your ability."
And maybe that's not the issue at all, and it's something else going on with her. But if you approach her with understanding and a desire to resolve whatever misgivings she has, hopefully she'll be able to open up and you two can get this thing solved.
I don't think you're being too sensative. From what I can tell, it'd be very hard not to be offended and wonder why and jump to conclusions. Try not to get frustrated, which is so easy to do, and realize it may take some time for her to work through whatever feelings she needs to work through. Good luck with talking to your daughter-in-law, and congrats on those two grandkids!
A son is a son til he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter for the rest of your life.
Most times the grand kids will have a closer relationship with the mothers family, because she's the mom.
Let them both know that you want very much to be a part of the kids lives but don't push too much. If you push she'll push back.
It wasn't until I became older, less insecure, that I realized that I had done my mother-in-law wrong by not letting her be more involved in my children's lives. I did correct it, by the time my daughter was born, but still, my son was never as close to her as he could have been.
The thing is, I felt like I was never good enough for her son, at least in her eyes. I know now that she was just jealous because he was happy and he didn't need her for the happiness. It was hard for her to know that he loved my cooking as much if not more then hers. It was hard to know that we didn't need her to keep a house clean, or to take care of our finances. She did everything for her son when he lived at home, he never lifted a finger, to find out he didn't need her to do everything, it hurt her and caused a lot of friction between us.
She was too vocal about everything and I was too sensitive. Neither one of us was willing to back down.
Take a close look at your relationship with your daughter-in-law. Also, try to remember what it felt like when you were newly married with two young children. We often forget what it was like.
in reading all the posts i was trying to see your daughter in laws point of view,i found it difficult,but i did wonder if perhaps she flipped out because she did not know your friend,and where her children were all the time....
it sounds a little controlling and perhaps a little over protective...but on the other hand your post would be quite differant if she did not seem to care at all.
if im being totally honest i was the same way when i was a young mother,i was totally over the top when if came to protecting my children,not good for them,me or anyone i would deem to consider them safe with...sounds extreme and i was.
perhaps she spoke out of fear,thinking you might decide to just take them on holiday with out saying anything,i know that sounds extreme,but if your not in her head its impossible to know what she believes may happen,when her children are out of her care.
if possible you could invite her over for a coffee,and let her talk..she what she has to say,its sounds like crossed wires,and she putting you in your place so to speak, or what she considers your place is.
I think the others have made some valid points in approaching the situation with her. Ease into the conversation without being confrontational. Give her a chance to tell you what she's feeling.
It's understandable that you feel that because you raised your son that you've "proven yourself". But as hard as it may be, keep in mind those are her kids not yours. You have to respect her boundaries. I'll tell you this, I'm still very protective of my son and he's 2 now. Honestly, I wouldn't have been happy with him going to someone's house that I don't know either. I don't think I would've blown up over it but I can't say because I never allowed it to happen!
My point is that she may not have been as upset had you picked up your cell and called before making the stop. Plus, right now with the cold season approaching, not to mention Swine flu, we have to be even more careful with the little ones. Talk to her to see what's going through her head.
As for calling you Grandma Sue, do you think that reflects the children's love for you? I don't. As the others have said, it gives the kids a way to differentiate and since one kid is 3 it may be too late to change that. But you can always try to come up with your own nickname (Nana, Meemaw, etc.)
It sounds as if you did 'cross the line'. Problem was, that you didn't know what the 'line' was.
The other posters have made some excellent suggestions, from their own personal experience. I think that it's a matter of backing off a little and taking your cues from her. She is the mother after all.
You may want greater access or to be called something different, but what underlies these issues is that your focus is on the grandchildren not their mother. My suggestion would be to build on your relationship with your DIL as a person, not as the creator of your grandchildren. Try spending some time getting to know her rather than vying with her for time with your grandchildren.
If you genuinely change your focus the dynamic will also change and it will be a win-win situation. You'll get on better with your DIL and see your grandsons more.
I think you did cross the line, you shoudl have called first, plus with sickness and such going around. I would be beyond mad at you, and I wouldnt care if you thought I was talking to you like a 3 year old, it isnt your child. What you say doesnt really matter. And as far as what they call you, its a name don't be so jealous, people can sense that
I think you did cross the line, you shoudl have called first, plus with sickness and such going around. I would be beyond mad at you, and I wouldnt care if you thought I was talking to you like a 3 year old, it isnt your child. What you say doesnt really matter. And as far as what they call you, its a name don't be so jealous, people can sense that
Why are you being so hateful to the OP? Are YOU the daughter-in-law?
I know it isn't her child, but she was asked to babysit so....it does.
You don't care if you thought she was talked to like a 3 year old? Well, you very well should. You should have respect for your elders at all costs, especially your in laws.
What she says matters, just as you think that crap you wrote matters.
You sure are cocky for a new member. And you can be "beyond mad " at me too. I don't care, as you have no right to be so cruel to someone who came here seeking help. Three weeks ago.
It's practically the law.
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