Originally Posted by
jake2008
i am of the opinion that adults should behave like adults. When there are extremes, particularly in families that have been estranged for so long, it sets the tone for what is to come, and it is a free for all.
Hurt feelings, history, lack of good parenting when young, siblings not seeing eye to eye, and now themselves with adult children, is a recipe for disaster all the way around.
Being a mother, then being a grandmother is a natural progression for a woman who has had a lifelong bond with her children. When that bond was broken, and ties were severed, it is next to impossible to step back into everyone's life, and be the mother, and now a grandmother.
We learn to change with relationships with our children as they grow into adults and have lives of their own. Seeing them now is not seeing anybody for who they are, they are essentially strangers.
You and your siblings are going to react differently, each of you, to your mother. While you feel obligated (naturally) to set the record straight, you are altering what could be their relationships with her, and eachother.
Try to establish yourself and yourself only. You have a loving husband, great kids, no problems or experiences similar to what you had growing up. You've lived a different life, and a successful one. That is all you should be concerned with. Try not to interject how she is manipulating your siblings, because chances are none of you will ever agree.
Learn to bite your tongue when discussions of her come up, and as don'tknownuthin has said, be very clear in your expectations of her while in your company, or your home, or with your children. I understand that you will feel very protective, but allow her time with your children, but set boundaries of when, and how much.
The only situation you can control is what you have control over, and that is yourself, and your decisions as to how you will allow her in your life.
Maybe for now try to have her agree to just a family dinner once a month, with your siblings, with everyone there, and no talk of the past, or any current differences of opinion. Keep it light with no pressure, and see where that goes.
When you feel in control and can reasonably anticipate how she will behave with boundaries and expectations in place, you may choose to increase time with her, or decrease time with her.
Bottom line, this is your life, and you are in control of it.