Daughter in-laws acts distant to mother-in-law after first baby is born

Your sister's daughter in law is isolated from her family and is getting all the conflicting messages that society gives mothers (nurture your baby/don't spoil them, spend lots of time with your baby/make them independent etc). I'm guessing your sister is coming in full of advice and/or stories about her mothering experience, and her DIL is feeling threatened.

I would suggest that your sister talk to her DIL, but start with making it clear that DIL is the mother, and is the final say on what happens with the baby. Your sister will be a back-up and a loving grandmother, but that's where it ends.

For what it's worth, I deliberately didn't spend much time with my own mother when my babies where tiny, because I could not stand the constant barrage of out-dated advice I got whenever I saw her. There's a good chance that your sister is pushing some old-fashioned notions that her DIL doesn't agree with, but doesn't want to argue about.

Yes, this sounds normal. I was glad my own mother lived 600+ miles away when our first child was born. My MIL lived in the same town that we did, but I kept her at arms' length because she was pushy and manipulating (visited me in the hospital while wearing her nurse uniform--she was a school nurse, so she would look like part of the medical team and could read my chart). The baby was colicky, didn't sleep at night, and I was a new and first-time mom who didn't know which end was up most of the time, and I didn't want either mother to tell me all kinds of stuff. I wanted to figure it out for myself. Every time I talked to one of them on the phone, I was asked Twenty Questions. No, thanks. Leave me alone.

Once the baby slept nights and was eating some solid food like rice cereal and applesauce, I had gotten some decent sleep and was willing to share him a bit. When the second baby came along four and a half years later, I was willing to hand him over the first day (he was entirely different from the first baby, plus I was a LOT more mature).

Tell her to be patient and don't complain or fuss. Her rewards will be great.

Had to spread the rep Wondergirl, but I agree with you.

I agree with your sister keeping her silence and distance for now. Time and patience will rule the day.

The new mother is likley overwhelmed with all the relatives visiting. It is a tremedous adjustment to make. Most new mothers in my opinion, need time, and stress free surroundings to bond with the baby. It's just nature's way.

I agree with Wondergirl that by not causing a fuss over not seeing the baby as often as she likes, will pave the way for welcomed visits, in the not too distant future.

Although this may be "normal." It could also be much more complex than what is being stated. A question I would want answered is - What kind of relationship does she have with her own mother? If the DIL's mother lives so far away, she may have guilt that her MIL is closer geographically than her own mother. She may feel as though she's betraying her mother. This would may cause her to pull away from her MIL. Another possibility is she's experiencing some degree of postpartum depression that is affecting her behavior. It can affect other relationships besides the mother-child relationship.

Wow, reading this post made me wonder if my own MIL's sister wrote it.
I had my first baby a few months ago, and had always had a fantastic relationship with my MIL leading up to that point. However, after my son was born the amount of attention we received from her felt excessive - she was so excited to be a grandmother, and wanted to see the baby as often as possible. As a new mom I cherished being alone with my newborn, and bonding with my baby, and being a new little family with my husband. My MIL had set expectations in terms of how often she would visit and babysit, which made things really, really tough. I had a strong feeling that my MIL was not happy with the amount of visits she was having, and because I didn't leave the baby alone with her as often as she would've liked. However, I wished during that time that my MIL could've understood, remembered what it was like to be a new mom, and had respected my feelings of not needing a babysitter and backed off a bit. I've quietly tried to move on and build a good relationship with her, and things seem to have calmed down a bit thank goodness, but I completely agree with one of the previous posts stating that it just seems to be natures way.....a new mother just craves time alone with her new baby and husband. Anyone who can't figure that out or understand it is selfish, and just wants the time they assume they deserve to be with the baby.

My take on this is that as some others have suggested, the new mom may wish to have privacy to bond with her baby. For example, she may feel uncomfortable breast feeding in front of the extended family, may not feel like getting fully dressed and feel she should if other people are coming over, may not be in the mood generally for company and so on. She also may be getting too much feedback and advice and "ideas" and "friendly suggestions" and it may annoy her.

She could have a bit of post-partum depression as well, may miss her own mother and so on.

I'd give her time for a while, and resist giving her any advice. Even if you are dying to chime in, only say, "wow, you have such a great instinct as a mother...you're doing an amazing job". Only give advice if and when you are asked.
If she expresses frustration over a problem, and you have a suggestion, first ask, "I can share what I did that worked well for me, but I don't want to chime in with unwanted advice...are you interested?" She'll tell you if she wants to know.

I went through some hurt feelings from friends, family and neighbors when my son came home. He is adopted, and we went through a great deal to find him and make the adoption placement happen, but for a variety of reasons we wanted to keep things low key for the first couple of months. We were trying to do the right thing, but it was difficult that other people were hurt by our decision.

The factors are different with the arrival of a new baby than an adoption but I can see how any new parent might want to kind of disappear a bit for a while with their new child, and other's should not take personal offense to the decision because it's entirely about them and the child, and not about the other person.

I like my mother-in-law, and of course my own mother, but when I have my baby this year I want privacy for at least 3-4 weeks. That doesn't mean they're not allowed to come over, but I am going to ask for brief and infrequent visits.

I really just want the time to bond with my own child without having her taken out of my arms every time someone wants to hold her and learn who we are together. I want to get comfortable as a mother and as a new family unit with my husband. I also think seeing another woman (who is not suffering from hormonal changes and is sleeping 8 hours through the night) holding my child and doting on her would be difficult. I would probably feel I can't do that for my baby with the same energy and feel bad about the situation. For me, post labor and being a new mother is a highly personal time and being around my own mother and my husband's mother makes me feel pressure about doing things a certain way.

It would be beneficial if the daughter-in-law could just explain, but I for one am very weary to upset my mother-in-law. And my mother tends to dismiss my feelings as silly and how I shouldn't feel this way or that way and then take everything I said and walk on eggshells afterward. Further, I've had both mothers tell me they want to be the FIRST to do something. Usually things I don't care about like buy her first pair of shoes or blanket. But regardless, I do not like being told I can't do something for my own child first.

At the end of the day, everything will be fine. If your sister and her daughter-in-law had a good relationship before, they will again. Both need time to adjust to their new roles.

Sounds just like me!! And I would like to explain myself.
During my pregnancy, I began to feel very possessive towards my baby. I couldn't bear the thought of having my MIL and SIL around my child. It started when we all hang out and my SIL ( who's young with no kids ) wouldn't shut up about taking my kid places such as movies and stuff.. I could understand cuz I remember jumping up and down when my 1st niece was born but something felt almost like fear, as if someone were demanding "visitation rights". The farther along I was the stronger it felt. I thought I was crazy and asked other moms around. I wasn't alone.
Then I brought it up in a conversation with a hubby. He started it by saying that he hoped his mom would finally be happy, our child will make her happy. Wait a sec, I said, I'm not having a kid to make someone happy. And btw, I said I don't and will not want ur mom around my child much, there's no chance in hell (my exact words) I will ever bring my kid into her filthy trashy house.. I wouldn't mind if you have time to spend with the kid and you take him to see her but if I'm around, she's not going to be. He didn't argue, we never spoke about it again.
So, the baby was born. I was very afraid I was gonna see her face unlimited and moreover, her getting involved with advice and stuff. Nope. Maybe my husband gave her a heads up?? Don't know. She's visited about once in two weeks, didn't insist on holding the baby, I'm like: too good to be true lol But I'm finally calming down thinking that she's just not into my baby (thank God) maybe she thinks she's too young to be a grandma - she's 52
In conclusion I wanna say that we women are bonded with our own families, I'm open to my mom and sisters. I've known them for years and the way I was raised and treated is the way I'm raising and treating my child. My MIL? I've known her for 2+ years, I am NOT raising my kids on junk food (it's on top of my hubby's food chain), I was raised in cristian atmosphere and my dad was (and still is) a pastor. My hubby's mom leads no spiritual life and I am pretty sure she doesn't consider it a necessity. Anyways, the main reason for me to keep the both (MIL and SIL distant) is that I'm not a big fan of theirs and due to me being VERY territorial especially when it comes to my personal space, I feel like my baby might be an open door for them to enter my space and disturb me.

Im going through the same thing. I am the motherin law. The kids are 20 yrs old.
During the pregnacy I helped take her to doct appts and ran her around . She can not drive and does not have a car.

Her mom was out of the picture I even threw her a shower.I have 3 sons so you can imagine the excitement when she had a babygirl!!

Now she doing the same thing. Being very stingy!

Im trying to be patient so pray for us!

MIL