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sadgrammy I am so sorry you are in such emotional pain that it is now affecting your health. Your description of her snappy reaction to your kindness just doesn't make sense to me. :confused:

Was there an earlier incident that occurred between you, which suddenly changed her attitude toward you? I can't help feeling that something has been left out of your post.

No, I keep trying and she keeps snapping. I have cut way back on things I do for her as she hs told my son that she thinks I am trying to manuplate her and that she feels I am trying to run her life/house and family. I step on egg shells with her all the time now and really do not want to hurt her. She tells us what and when we can do anything for the kids and very short with us to the point of being rude unless she is in the mood to reach out and than its OK. I have been very supportive to her and her famiy and feel very taken advantage of. When ever I ask to take the kids it is like a book of rules. Tells us how many things we can have at our house for the kids. I am at a lost and just about ready to burst at the seems, The last time I tried to talk to my son he blew up and told me to find a way to get happy !

Well, sadgrammy, I think you may be expecting to be too involved in their lives if your son reacted the way he did. So, whether you agree or not with me, it appears there were some incidents that occurred which brought all this to such a touchy point between you and your family. Since this all started after the children were born, is it at all possible that you were interfering too much? Instead of being defensive here, if you truly want help, then we need to analyze what exactly occurred for it to have gotten this out of control and then figure out a way to make it work so that everyone is happy. So, can you give us a bit more insight into what you did that you feel was appropriate and wound up creating such a negative reaction in your daughter-in-law? When did she first start getting angry with you and what was it about?

The first issue was when the first child was born, she was having a tough time and it was really hot and she was not feeling well. We bought a air conditiner over and she told our son to tell us to stop interfering and telling her how to run her house and how to take care of herself in the baby.

Okay. Please be patient with me because I am going to continue to ask you questions. I know that you felt you were doing a nice and caring thing by bringing the A/C over. Did you call her or your son and ask if this would help or did you just show up at their house with an A/C?

We called first and asked her if we could come over as we had a gift that might make her more comfortable. The next issue was she had to go out of town on business and her Mom stayed a few days to take care of the baby and had to leave so asked if I cuold cover for next few days. The baby had a cold and one of the days I took care of him my son told me to let him stay in his pjs as he would be warmer and more comfotable. I also made a chicken pot pie as she had always liked in the past so that when she got home that night tired she would have something already prepared to eat. She came in the door and said why is he not dressed! He is to be dressed each day , also when I said the reason I did not dress the baby aas my son said to let him stay in pjs, "comment than was do not call him baby he has a name! I said that I was going to run a long so she could have some relaxing time and must be exhausted from her business trip, that I left one of her favorite dishes in the refirg, comment was I have food and do not need you making things

Okay. For whatever reason, she feels threatened by you in some way. The fact that your son is backing her up, getting angry at you and telling you that you need to find a way to get happy tells me that you need to change your tactics with them. What you have stated here doesn't sound unreasonable. So, I am not sure where she is getting the "manipulation" and "running her life/house & family" feeling from. Have you sat down with them and had a calm discussion as to what exactly they find objectionable about what you have done?

I tried once and he got very upset, I felt just awful. He just said that he loved both of us an that we had to find a way to work it out. She said that basically you Mom needs to follow my lead and my rules . She does not treat her family this way at all. She has invited"requested that I make all the cakes for her family baby shower and weddings, also asked that I take a piece of her mom wedding dress and see if I could make something that her sister could carry down the isle on her wedding day, that she was looking for something very specail. I made a beautiful little hangbag that I out a lot of work into. Never even a thank you! I saw wedding pcitures later and the sister did caryy it and looked lovely.

Well, it sounds like she feels very threatened by you. If you are handy and come up with all sorts of ideas and solutions for problem situations, she might be having self-confidence issues when she is around you.

I think your son is right. This is between you and your daughter in law. I would suggest that you call her up and invite her to lunch. This should be a one on one with her, without the kids around. Go to a public place so that she cannot lose her temper. You need to remain very calm and caring. Tell her that you love her with all your heart and you really want to avoid doing the wrong thing. Ask her to please tell you what you can do, or what you shouldn't do, because you just want to things to be as they were before. Then let her talk. I think as long as she doesn't feel like she is being put on the spot and you show her that you are in pain and really only want to do the right thing, she will tell you what is going on with her. You need to go out of your way and show her that you consider her your daughter. You may need to start spending more one on one "girlie" time with her. If you speak to her through your son, and not directly to her, or your focus is on the children when you two are in the same room, she may very well feel she is being left out and not considered part of the family. Please understand that I am not saying that this is what you are doing, but I am saying that it is possible that is how she is feeling. So, she may be getting back at you by doing all these little mean & manipulating things to get back at you without even being conscious of what she is doing. Or do you think that she is just a crazy, irrational shrew?

NO, by all means do I think she is a shrew! I think you are right that she is very threatened by me and others have said the same thing. I have tried to speak to her alone and she has told me that she in not interested in aone time, that I am her mother in law not her girlfriend. Thanks so much for you're your input, by all means I will keep trying as she really is very importane to me. On many times her sisters have told me how lucky she is to have me and that they would love to trade places with her. Unfortunately I think that only made her madder. I do not think she really means to hurt me but is so stressed with things and perhaps I am a easy target. Thanks for listending and taking the time to respond! By all means I need all the suggsetions and help I can get!

I am sorry that she doesn't seem to desire to have a closer relationship with you. I loved my mother-in-law. I was the only one who seemed to get along with her. LOL. She was a tough cookie at times, but I understood her I guess. Maybe it has more to do with how we are brought up. My grandmother used to stress that no matter what, a daughter-in-law should put her mother-in-law ahead of her own mother. I always remembered that. It appears your DIL is only interested in interacting with her own family. I am so sorry that she doesn't seem to be interested in embracing everyone on both sides. You may be right. She may find that you are an easy or safe target to take out her frustrations on. All you can do is keep plugging away, be as sweet as you can, don't intrude, and try to make her feel that she is special to you. But don't be a complete doormat either. Eventually, she may defrost her attitude.

By the way, if I were you, I wouldn't make any more cakes or go out of my way to do anything special for her family or friends when she makes these requests of you. Make an excuse. She needs to learn that respect is a two way street. If she just expects you to do these things without question, and doesn't even say thank you, that is a form of manipulation and control. Don't play that game with her. Be nice but make an excuse.

Thanks so ,much for all of your commentary. It is helpful and as you say I will keep trying but need to find a way do draw a line and no longer be the family doormat either, it has been a drain to say the least. I truly care about her and hope with time things will get better. Her behavior is very inconsistent and I feel bad as she is under a great deal of stress and I think I have become the easy target to attack. There are times she will go out of her way to be very caring and others she will cut me a the quick for the slightest little thing so really hard to deal with the inconsistency.

I wonder if your dil is not worried that she is not able to do all she feels she should do for her family (husband and children) and is feeling very defensive. So, rather than seeing what you do to support and help them she sees what you do for them as finding fault.
I would suggest that you might want to look at what you do to be helpful from that viewpoint and perhaps back away from being a help. Could you tell yourself, when you want to assist them, that "they can take care of this themselves in their own way, if they want to".
Perhaps, be available when you want to be to visit and the like.

Maybe, ask her for advise on things this might build her confidence if she feels that you respect her opinion and look to her for input... she may see herself as a child and you as a parent and may need to learn to see you as an equal/friend -

Of course, this answer is coming from me, someone who has a strained relationship with her own DIL and I am trying to figure out what I need to do to reestablish the cordial friendly relationship we had before the grandchildren arrived.

Good luck to you. I hope you can find a way to fill your time with other interests so that your DIL and son do no have too great a hold on how you are feeling. That is how I am attempting to address my issues - though as they live thousands of miles away, I do not have to confront the issue often, as you do.