Dear askmehelpdesk.com,

I have a serious relationship problem with my sister ever since she knows I molested her 5 years ago. She is 14, & I'm 15 when naïve incident happened, she stop talking & responding to me ever since the incident although we are still living in the same house. It's my fault I strongly deny the incident to my parents, but only now I strongly regret for what I have done, and I wish to apologize for what I did to her but afraid she might not accept as I know she still hates me deeply..

Can guide me "how is the proper method or steps to follow" to apologize to her & regaining back "brother-sister relation" to normal state... :confused: :confused: :confused:

Agilent

agilent, you BOTH need counseling. Get the courage to approach her and tell her how ashamed and sorry you are and then let her know that you are willing to go to counseling with her. This is not up to you to apologise and fix. She, surely, has trauma that cannot be erased through an apology. But your apology can be the window that can open her to true healing.
As for you, you also need counseling. You must get help to realise what you have done and why you did it. You also need help to make sure you will never repeat it again.
You are brave for even wanting to apologise and I truly commend your effort. You are taking the right steps. Now, use all the strength and courage you have to approach your parents and reach out and get help for you and your sister. 5 years ago, you were 10 years old and very young to be acting out towards your sister. You may have had your own reasons for behaving that way then, but if you don't get help now, you might hurt someone again.
Please be brave and get help. You will be doing a good thing; not just for yourself but everyone else.

P.S. The "proper methods or steps to follow" will come from your own sincerety and willingness to help your sister, as well as yourself. Again, I wish you strength.

What is your defination of molesting?

Joe

Really to me the first step you must make --is owning up to what you did to your parents -- you made it out that she was lying to them and that can do as much harm as the molesting.

Dear agilent,
Okay fisrt of all you will never know if she will forgive you or not inless you try. I mean what if you where in her shoes it was most likely a scary spot for her and she doesn't know how to react so she is just ignoring you. And you know that you are truly sorry but how is she going to know if you are inless you tell her. And if she doesn't forgive you give it some time. And there are no steps to apoligize you just have to do it. And when you do ask for forgiveness you can't excspect her to just forgive you. Give it some time and make sure you ask her to think about your apoligie and maybe she will forgive you and rememeber she will never know you are sorry inless you tell her
Hoped I helped some how.
:p

It all depends on how your sister feels, whether she feels violated, if she does she will resent you for abusing her. Some people never forgive, I hope she is not one of them. I do not condone it but experimenting brother and sisters are not abnormal but some girls suddenly realize what happened and then the alarm bells ring, my brother would willingly have experimented with me, came real close after threatening me but I knew what was right or wrong as do many of these girls so really it takes two to tango comes to mind

He describes his own actions as this, as I read it , he was 10 yrs old and his sister was 9 at the time, mere children, no is not right, but must be natural because so many children go through this stage whether they admit it or not, is only because he is now becoming a man and realizes what he was did that it now causes a problem, many children put it down to childhood and never mention it because rape, molestation, abuse and any other name you wish to give it did not enter into their minds at the time. Take care, love and peace anne x

Dear agilent,
I suspect that your sister does not hate you but she is confused, hurt and angry. Just because someone is angry does NOT mean they hate. First and foremost, I think the biggest problem to her would be your adamant denial of the incident. I think you must ask your parents for a family meeting, then you should tell the truth and offer a sincere apology to your sister and your parents. It may not help initially, but it's a step in the correct direction. Your sister's exerience NEEDS to be validated.

I also think you both need couselling, both individual and family. It is important for you to realize that you were just a child when this happened, as was she. I believe with the appropriate admission, remorse and therapy that you and your sister can become friends again. This will be a very difficult time ahead for you all, but you have made the right decision in trying to apologize and become close to your sister as family again.

I wish you luck and hope your sister accepts your apology.

Hugs, Didi

For my case, molesting involves exploring & fondles human body except
Genital area, and nothing else more…:o

Agilent

I think you might be right here iscorpio. (Read his more recent post- he says "except genitals".) This may have been innocent curiosity but his sister seems to be really upset and confused.. especially since he adamently denied anything happened. So, he needs to approach her and parents and see if there is more to this than just natural curiosity.

As I said I believe the young age to be the key factor here, aligent, I think that you should approach her gently because she obviously has a issue with you explain how sorry you are and that you did not realise the seriousness of what you were doing, then you will know exactly how she feels about you, whether she can forgive you, hopefully she will realise how innocent this was and you two may be able to heal the rift, as for telling your parents well if you bury the past then surely it is not worth upsetting them and dragging it up all over again, making your sister relive her pain. Take care, love and peace anne x

What you did to your sister was not the right thing to do your supposed to protect her from things like that I am not saying you haven't changed you most likely have and for wanting to appologize is definitely the right thing to do but first you need to tell you parent with her there sit down with your family and talk about this situation with them tell them the whole truth and why your sorry for it if you bring this to a councler you will only make more trauma for your sister she thinks of it enough let alone talking about it for hours on end keep this situation among the family and work it out through there! Good luck and you need to realize the thing you did was wrong and that you want to be her brother that will protect her through anything!

I think we all need more details. Obviously after reading this post.

TQ for posting many comments above.
I understand I'm doing it wrong, my human desire to explore cause trouble,
As I have no proper sex education, furthermore she did not rejects my
Many attempts to explore while she is sleeping or during a TV show,
But one day she cries when I did it again, maybe she realize my doing is
Wrong, she then ignore me like a total stranger till today, I wish to confess
To her, but she got a habit locking herself in her room after school or so,
And she kept sitting further away when I'm nearby, she has no interest
To talk with me in any condition, say when inside a family car trip to
School or so, my parents seems to know about it but treat it as taboo
And never mentioned about it ever again, so the problem exists till today.
Well, I'm still finding opportunity to confess to her.

Agilent

Sometimes, some things are better left unsaid, just do everything you can to be nice to her and just if you want to just simply go apologize to her, in this way, Just tell her you are sorry for whatever you have done to her to make her mad at you

You know, you guys are both still very young. You sound so grown up to own up to something that you feel in your heart was a bad thing. I am very, very proud of you for that. I really think you should either get your parents involved and everyone go seek some counseling. You are too young to be handling this by yourself, I really think this is something for adults to take care of. Your sister needs to express this especially and you, this may cause many more emotional problems down the road if it is kept quiet.

Dear askmehelpdesk.com,

Finally, I have apologize to my sister about five minutes ago.

I told my sister "how wrong I feel for molesting her & apologize to her".

My sister told me "things that happened, already happened, and she don't think about
it anymore".

But, I can feel she still has very little trust on me as her brother, hope time will heals.

I can now sleep more soundly.

TQ for all guidance above... :) :) :)


Agilent.

5 years ago... so she was 9 and you were 10. I don't even think I would consider that as molestation. You guys were just two little curious kids. I can see if you were like a teen and she was a little girl. But sit down and have a talk with her. You're not a molester. Just let her know you didn't know what you were doing. Molesters know what their doing

You were 10 and she was 9? I think that's a bit natural, even though, yes it is gross and sounds wrong.

When I was 7 and my brother was 9, we actually kissed with open mouthes because we saw people doing it on "the Young and the Restless". I know what everyone is thinking; that that is disgusting. I AGREE. But we had no sensation and did not even know what to associate what we were doing with (for example, we did not know we should associate that kissing with sexual desire).

I also know many people who have had similar stories, and if it is when you are both young children, I don't think it can really be classified as molesting each other? And if it were, I guess the police should be putting all those 4 year olds who steal from candy stores in jail? Should they be classifed as thieves?? Noway! I mean, you have to look at the context here!

Now when we look back we want to barf, but we both know that we were children. I bet, more than anything, she is upset that you lied to your parents and that they probably don't fully believe her. Seek therapy because it is probably a haunting feeling that you have actually convinced yourself that you have molested your sister.

I hope ten year olds that hit their sisters do not go on with life at age 15 thinking they are female beaters and dangerous men for punching their sister back when they were a child..

Anyway, do speak to your parents. It's probably just the guilt in lying that is killing you. The truth will set you free. If they're not understanding of this, perhaps therapy with them too would help. Also, tell your sister why you have been ashamed to tell your parents. Even if you were kids, it is akward to tell this to anyone. My brother actually flat out lies and tells my mom he never did any such thing every time I laugh and tell her.