Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    cindy lou hou's Avatar
    cindy lou hou Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Aug 3, 2009, 07:17 PM
    Boyfriends daughter not helping out
    How do I get my boyfriends 21 year old daughter to clean her room and do her dishes, when she is asked to do it she gets mad and want come home for 5 or 6 days and her room is the way she leaves it. Please help
    flossie's Avatar
    flossie Posts: 1,903, Reputation: 181
    Ultra Member
     
    #2

    Aug 3, 2009, 07:22 PM

    Have you thought about changing the locks when she leaves angry? She's 21, an adult. Maybe a wake up call like that will help her see how good she really has it.
    cindy lou hou's Avatar
    cindy lou hou Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #3

    Aug 3, 2009, 07:29 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by cindy lou hou View Post
    How do I get my boyfriends 21 year old daughter to clean her room and do her dishes, when she is asked to do it she gets mad and want come home for 5 or 6 days and her room is the way she leaves it. please help
    She is free loading off her friends also, she stays where ever she can sponge off some one. She is also 5 months pregnant.
    Torrid13's Avatar
    Torrid13 Posts: 637, Reputation: 149
    Senior Member
     
    #4

    Aug 3, 2009, 07:46 PM

    I would say when she leaves angry, put her clothes and some belongings in a box outside the door with a nice little note that says "SEE YA!"

    But since she is pregnant, it makes it a little more difficult, especially if the father is not in the picture.

    You need to talk with your boyfriend & present your extreme displeasure over the situation, and see how he feels about it. As being his girlfriend, it's different from being his wife, and this could mean your influence may not be as prominent on his decisions. Ultimately, in this situation, I think the only two people that can fix this is the brat and her dad.
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
    Ultra Member
     
    #5

    Aug 3, 2009, 10:26 PM
    My advice - it's her room, leave it as it is, just close the door.

    As for the dirty dishes, put them in her room and close the door. If she puts them back in the sink without washing them, put them back in her room.

    I've shared houses with people that behaved like this - the thing is to put the stuff that they have used - dirty or clean - back into their rooms.

    I once shared with a guy that kept leaving half finished milk shakes round the house. He never emptied them out or washed out the containers. We just started putting them in his room. When there was no room in the floor any more we out them on the bed. Guess what? He jumped into bed one night without turning on the light . Eeeeew. You guessed it - rancid milk all over the bed. Changed his habits though! Containers were chucked in the bin after that.
    cindy lou hou's Avatar
    cindy lou hou Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #6

    Aug 5, 2009, 05:59 PM
    Thanks for the suggestion, but she has my house key, and I haven't seen her in 2 weeks know, but yes when she comes to my house she's giving it back thanks for the suggestion though.
    Cindy
    cindy lou hou's Avatar
    cindy lou hou Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #7

    Aug 5, 2009, 06:04 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Torrid13 View Post
    I would say when she leaves angry, put her clothes and some belongings in a box outside the door with a nice little note that says "SEE YA!"

    But since she is pregnant, it makes it a little more difficult, especially if the father is not in the picture.

    You need to talk with your boyfriend & present your extreme displeasure over the situation, and see how he feels about it. As being his girlfriend, it's different from being his wife, and this could mean your influence may not be as prominent on his decisions. Ultimately, in this situation, I think the only two people that can fix this is the brat and her dad.
    thanks for the suggestion. I totally agree, but every time he talks to her, she says he's picking on her and she will not listen to what he's got to say, he's the type of person that don't like to cause any confortation, but I had said to him that I was going to tell her my rules and if she don't like it to bad. His commet was don't waste your breath because she won't listen. I say to bad because its my house.
    jmjoseph's Avatar
    jmjoseph Posts: 2,727, Reputation: 1244
    Ultra Member
     
    #8

    Aug 5, 2009, 06:05 PM
    Let her live in filth. Maybe when she starts to "nest" she will get a clue. Ask her if she's going to make the baby live in a pig sty.
    cindy lou hou's Avatar
    cindy lou hou Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #9

    Aug 5, 2009, 06:08 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Gemini54 View Post
    My advice - it's her room, leave it as it is, just close the door.

    As for the dirty dishes, put them in her room and close the door. If she puts them back in the sink without washing them, put them back in her room.

    I've shared houses with people that behaved like this - the thing is to put the stuff that they have used - dirty or clean - back into their rooms.

    I once shared with a guy that kept leaving half finished milk shakes round the house. He never emptied them out or washed out the containers. We just started putting them in his room. When there was no room in the floor any more we out them on the bed. Guess what? He jumped into bed one night without turning on the light . Eeeeew. You guessed it - rancid milk all over the bed. Changed his habits though! Containers were chucked in the bin after that.
    That's just to funny, I just wish I could do that, Im just to darn nice and I have to change my ways, because she's just using me. The only trouble with that is its my house and it's the only spare room I have, so when I have company I have to clean her mess up so my guess have a place to sleep. Im so darn frustrated
    cindy lou hou's Avatar
    cindy lou hou Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #10

    Aug 5, 2009, 06:10 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by jmjoseph View Post
    Let her live in filth. Maybe when she starts to "nest" she will get a clue. Ask her if she's going to make the baby live in a pig sty.
    Ya that's the problem she likely will live in a pig pen and you and I will have to support her, that's what makes me so angry, she's so darn lazy.
    jmjoseph's Avatar
    jmjoseph Posts: 2,727, Reputation: 1244
    Ultra Member
     
    #11

    Aug 5, 2009, 06:33 PM
    Oh well, some people are just plain sorry. How do you change someone who doesn't want to change? You don't. But you can stop some of the support you are giving her. Why be miserable?
    cindy lou hou's Avatar
    cindy lou hou Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #12

    Aug 5, 2009, 06:53 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by jmjoseph View Post
    Oh well, some people are just plain sorry. How do you change someone who doesn't want to change? You don't but you can stop some of the support you are giving her. Why be miserable?
    Your totally right. The only way I have supported her is a place to stay and of course she eats. I wouldn't mind it a bit, if she would only be an adult and help out. That's all I'm asking of her and she can't even do that. Yes I know I have to speak up and I'm going to when I see her next time. Wish me luck.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
    Ultra Member
     
    #13

    Aug 5, 2009, 07:47 PM

    I think your boyfriend should deal with his kids, not you. It's not a fair situation for you to be put in. If you co-own the house or it's your house, you have every right to set expectations for her but still it's best if her father deals with her on it.

    I think the living arrangement is a tough one - probably not ideal. It might be better not to live with your boyfriend until his daughter is on her own reliably - then you can have your rules in your home, and when you've had it with her, you can go home!
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #14

    Aug 5, 2009, 08:09 PM
    Is this girls mother in the picture anywhere? What about the father of the baby. Has anyone given any thought as to where she is going to live when the baby arrives?

    She sounds lost, unloved, and without boundaries, expectations, and consequences.

    I would not be able to turn out this girl into the street, she needs all the help she can get.

    Who is taking care of prenatal care and costs. Does she have any income? Has she had any help from organizations that deal with single moms?

    She needs direction, and maybe if she wasn't so lost, and had some direction she would do better all the way around?

    If you aren't planning on supporting her and the baby, then you might want to invest some time in finding a home that accepts single moms and their babies, and teaches them what they need to know to set up their own places, care for a baby, and provide the basics of life.
    cindy lou hou's Avatar
    cindy lou hou Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #15

    Aug 6, 2009, 05:00 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post
    Is this girls mother in the picture anywhere? What about the father of the baby. Has anyone given any thought as to where she is going to live when the baby arrives?

    She sounds lost, unloved, and without boundaries, expectations, and consequences.

    I would not be able to turn out this girl into the street, she needs all the help she can get.

    Who is taking care of prenatal care and costs. Does she have any income? Has she had any help from organizations that deal with single moms?

    She needs direction, and maybe if she wasn't so lost, and had some direction she would do better all the way around?

    If you aren't planning on supporting her and the baby, then you might want to invest some time in finding a home that accepts single moms and their babies, and teaches them what they need to know to set up their own places, care for a baby, and provide the basics of life.
    The girls mother is not in the picture, they do not get along, and she talks to her mom with a bad mouth. We have tried to tell her lets go and try and get an apt. she just tells us ill look after it. She just finished collage and when she's done she always goes to welfare because she don't want to work. We have tried and tried to help her get a job, but her comment to me was I'm retired. She would rather come to my house with her friends while I'm at work and swim and have fun. I wouldn't put any one on the street. I wasn't brought up that way, but I'm tired of her using me and everyone else. We have offered her furniture to set up an apt. but her comments were I don't know yet. Welfare is suppose to be finding her a house. She don't tell me anything, I get bits and pieces from her dad. I have tried to give her direction, but she just won't listen, she likes living free load off everyone. I just don't known what to do.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member
     
    #16

    Aug 6, 2009, 07:16 AM

    Being a step parent (or quasi step parent) is a difficult, often impossible "job." I would have a talk with the boyfriend, tell him about your unhappiness and ask him to talk to her.

    I think OP is going to be the bad guy in this situation UNLESS/UNTIL she has the full cooperation of her boyfriend.

    I am a step parent and have always been very fortunate - my husband and I talked things over and if we didn't agree, we came to a compromise we could both live with - and I have two step daughters.

    Again - difficult situation for OP to be in.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #17

    Aug 6, 2009, 08:26 AM
    Very difficult.

    That new information paints a bit different picture from the original post.

    She is a college graduate, and has an income from welfare, who is helping her find a place to live.

    She is not without, or unaware of resources. And after all that you have done for her, I can more clearly see why you are so frustrated. Not only with her, but her father as well.

    I don't know what you can do other than get through to the father, that she has to get herself settled elsewhere, and take care of her own business.

    Is it possible to contact the social worker in charge of her case at the welfare office, and request a meeting? Explain to them that you understand she is receiving an income, and will be getting subsidized housing (I presume), and you are going to give her a date to move out, and need to know that she will have a safe place to go.

    They will not be able to provide personal information of course, but they can assure you that you giving her a date to leave will not leave her homeless.

    Your boyfriend needs to talk to his ex wife, and the two of them need minimum communication to share the load here.

    And probably most importantly, you really need to put your foot down, and come up with a reasonable plan for both of them. Sit down with the both of them, and lay down the law. Both of them are taking advantage here. Him just letting things slide, and her by not taking care of her own situation, and preparing for a baby on the way.

    Under the circumstances, with her being capable, which didn't seem to be the case with the first post, I don't see where it isn't reasonable to give her a date to move out. If this isn't sorted out, the next thing will be you looking after a new baby, and her.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

Helping my dog eat. [ 2 Answers ]

Well she is about 9 1/2 months old, she is a mix of poodle and yorkie, she weighs about 4 1/2 pounds, we have tried switching foods many times but its not the food, and its not that she won't eat it's that she won't eat when we put the food out then we have to hand feed her and that gets hard...

Helping the transition of Stepfather and daughter [ 1 Answers ]

I have a 7 year old daughter and we have just moved in with my boyfriend. We have plans of getting married and having children. All of which my daughter wants. But it seems when ever my boyfriend tells her something she gets mad and cries. Also says he's being mean. I know this is not the case. I...

Kicking out boyfriends daughter [ 5 Answers ]

Hi everyone, sorry but I'm knew to this so please bear with me. I own a house in my name only, my boyfriend lives with me. Recently his 25 year old daughter moved in and it's been awful ever sense! We laid down some house hold rules and she hasn't followed any of them. One was she had to get a...

Helping my son [ 8 Answers ]

I have a 26 year old son, who has had a less than favorable childhood, served 4 years in the Marines ( 1 which was served in Iraq) , got out about 6 months ago and is on a downward spiral. He definitely has a drinking problem and emotional problems that go back to his childhood and his less than...

Helping with ED [ 1 Answers ]

My boyfriend has ED from time to time. Usually doesn't have a problem with it, but the times that he does it make him feel aweful. Is there something I can do as his girlfriend to help him out with this, other than medication?


View more questions Search