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    Shell_Lee's Avatar
    Shell_Lee Posts: 83, Reputation: 10
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    #1

    Aug 23, 2007, 07:13 AM
    My best friend and his wife
    I've been friends with, oh we'll call him Mitch, for about 10 years or so (By the way, I am a girl) He is my best friend. We could tell each other anything. We went on vacations together. We always had a blast. In Dec of '05, he met and started dating a girl - we'll call her Nicky. She lives about 1 1/2 hours away from where Mitch and I do. After he started dating her, I saw my friend less and less. 6 months later, they were engaged. I had a sit down with Mitch and expressed my feelings on how it just seemed like they were moving extremely fast. He said that he loved her and wants to marry her. He's my friend, so I supported him on his decision. So, this June they got married. I stood up in the wedding, even on his side being a girl. Nicky and her 4 year old daughter moved in to Mitch's house after the wedding.

    Now after being married, I'm getting even more worried about my friend. She has made him rearrange all his furniture; rip up all the carpet in the house to sand and refinish the hard wood floors; get rid of his cat because "it attacked her and her daughter"; wants to get rid of his dog (she has NEVER liked that dog); won't ever let him go out with his friends while she is home. She doesn't like living down her because she "is soooo far away from her family and friends" that she is trying to make him sell his house so they can move (which also means giving up his extremely well paying job or driving about 2 hours to work). Now to top it all off, SHE IS PREGNANT. She said that she wanted to get pregnant right after they got married so the kids won't be so far apart in age. I told her to wait a little while since they have A) just got married B) just moved in together C) haven't even been together for 2 years D) are NOT ready to have a child together

    I just don't know what else to say or do about this situation. I love my friend to death. I don't want to see him get hurt, but I'm afraid it will lead to there one day. I've tried to support him in his decisions, but how can I when I just feel like he's digging deeper and deeper to a road of unhappiness? I'm just waiting for the day where she says that he can't see or talk to me anymore!

    Does anyone have any advise on this?

    By the way, I am NOT jealous of Nicky. I was in a very happy relationship when Mitch and Nicky started dating. I still am in this relationship and am planning on marrying this man. Mitch is just a great friend of mine and that's all it ever has been.
    margarita_momma's Avatar
    margarita_momma Posts: 299, Reputation: 46
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    #2

    Aug 23, 2007, 07:38 AM
    Honestly, there is nothing you can do or should do. It is his life and he has the right to make the decisions that he wants. Everything happens for a reason and if he is happy with this woman, then let him stay that way. Even if it looks like he is making the biggest mistake in the world in your eyes, it is still not your mistake to fix. Only if she says he can't hang out with you anymore is when I would speak up because that is directly affecting you. All the other stuff does not concern you and you need to let him live his life. Good Luck!

    ;)
    LearningAsIGo's Avatar
    LearningAsIGo Posts: 2,653, Reputation: 350
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    #3

    Aug 23, 2007, 07:58 AM
    I can respect that you treasure him as a friend, but you're a friend... you're opinions should not come before the wishes of his wife.
    I told her to wait a little while since they have A) just got married B) just moved in together C) haven't even been together for 2 years D) are NOT ready to have a child together
    You actually said that to her face? Would you want someone telling you that?
    I just feel like he's digging deeper and deeper to a road of unhappiness?
    That may be your perception, but do you believe your friend would marry and continue to stay with a woman if he was unhappy with her? He's starting a family with her, and they're newlywed so that must not make him unhappy, nor does it mean he'll head down that path. She didn't get pregnant by herself and honestly (even though you care for him) its none of your business. That may sound harsh, but the reality is marriage can change a person and while that may be hard for someone else to see, it doesn't make it a bad thing. He's preparing to be a husband and father, those things are unique to each relationship and outside persons cannot judge what they have between them.
    derek1972's Avatar
    derek1972 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Aug 23, 2007, 08:09 AM
    To be friends with a male you need to act as a male friend yourself, I know it doesn't make a lot of sense but believe me it does... The more you worn him of your fears he is making a mistake the more his new wife will alienate you. Guys don't meddle in their friends business like girls do, and be aware the fact that you are a girl makes the wife even more uneasy. Show them both that you are behind their decisions and be there to pick up the pieces if they do fall apart. That is your only way to keep this person in your life. Be a girl but act like a guy...
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #5

    Aug 23, 2007, 08:33 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Shell_Lee
    Now after being married, I'm getting even more worried about my friend. She has made him rearrange all his furniture; rip up all the carpet in the house to sand and refinish the hard wood floors; get rid of his cat because "it attacked her and her daughter"; wants to get rid of his dog (she has NEVER liked that dog); won't ever let him go out with his friends while she is home. She doesn't like living down her because she "is soooo far away from her family and friends" that she is trying to make him sell his house so they can move (which also means giving up his extremely well paying job or driving about 2 hours to work). Now to top it all off, SHE IS PREGNANT. She said that she wanted to get pregnant right after they got married so the kids won't be so far apart in age. I told her to wait a little while since they have A) just got married B) just moved in together C) haven't even been together for 2 years D) are NOT ready to have a child together.
    1) the silly "concerns": she rearranged the house, had him do some home improvement, got rid of an animal, won't live away from family, and had the gall to get pregnant. Wow. What a beast. She's actually acting like she's... married!! Complaining about this means you know nothing about being in a marriage.

    Hmmm... perspective... my wife moves into a great home. Just to decide 6 mo later that we might need to knock out a wall, kick out the garage to have a new dining area, swap the master and public baths causing the master bed to move, and those carpet floors... they have nice wood under that's never been finished. My honey-do list never ends. Get over it.

    Living sans animals... wife has had numerous animals throughout her adult life. Just recently decided no more. Want to know a great reason not to have animals in the house? Kids. Little bitties in particular. Cat and dog hair all over the floor, even with cleaning, icked my wife out when we had my son. I get it. Well get animals again someday. Not right now. OK. She gave a great dog of HERS to a friend to get animals out of the house.

    Living near family and friends. The horror.

    Getting pregnant when young. Gasp. Maybe she should wait until she's older, less fertile, and the chances of birth defects are higher? And hoping to have the kids close in age... really... this is cause for alarm?? You've got to be kidding.

    2) the realistic concern, maybe: here's what you been waiting for... he's "having" to give up a great job and going to need to commute his arse off. And you never see him.

    Well, if your friend doesn't have a pair, and if he can't act like an adult and speak his mind, then its all about HIS inability to decide what he wants, not her. Me.. I quit a great job with higher pay, moved to one that better fit my life with my wife, and then later quit that job as our life changed again with a little one. The only thing I don't like is the commute issue. But sometimes you change jobs because its not all about the money.

    Seeing friends when married can be a lot harder. Its just the truth. I have a buddy whom I used to sit out with on a patio downtown twice a month, drink beer, smoke a cigar, and woman watch. Guess what... after I got married, it just didn't happen so much. Guess what again... after he got married it happened less. Triple what... after we both had kids we barely see each other, other than to have the little ones swap snot through toys like once in a blue moon.

    Yes... its true that people who sustain friendships have more "balance" in their lives, and I think its worth his maintaining those friendships, even if they need to change form and shape to some degree...

    But almost NOTHING about what you've said means a damn thing about the "road to unhappiness"... is she controlling. Maybe. Maybe not. Like I said, over half of the stuff you said she made happen, my wife "made" happen... and I'm in a happy marriage... now with a better looking house that's pet hair free and a child I love.

    You can have different expectations for your life and marriage. That's fine. But I think you are a little off base simply saying that you know better how to run his life and his marriage. Who do you think should be in control of her uterus, really? You've had your say. Don't be pi$$ed cause he doesn't agree.

    The last lines of the quote I posted show you have NO RESPECT for their marriage. Hold back on kids cause they "just moved in"... "are NOT ready"... "havent been together" long... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? They are MARRIED!! you may not be ready to accept the commitment they made but they are.

    Like it or not, they committed. They are MARRIED. Wait for what?? To see if the marrige "sticks"? Wow. And wow.

    THIS is the key to your post... you don't think they should have ever gotten married. You don't believe it will last or that they are right together. Otherwise, most of the noise you complain about is nothing. You just don't think they should be married or that it'll last. Tell me I'm wrong.

    What else you got? Is there more to the scenario? So far you are mostly swinging at air and making no contact.
    Shell_Lee's Avatar
    Shell_Lee Posts: 83, Reputation: 10
    Junior Member
     
    #6

    Aug 23, 2007, 10:23 AM
    margarita_momma: Thank you for your answer.

    LearningAsIGo: Also, thank you for your answer. Yes, I did say those things to her. I didn't say them snippy or mean or anything like that. She actually asked me what my opinion was on it. I just said to wait a little longer till things actually settle in. Especially since she has a 4 year old who now has a dad. I think they should adjust to that life first.

    derek1972: lol - most of the time, I do act like a male. Pretty much all my friends are guys. I guess the "girl" part in me just comes out on occasion. But, for you to say that guys don't meddle in their friends business is very untrue.

    kp2171: I ask a question and get attacked. I only wrote a little bit about what has actually happened. If I wrote it all, it would be to long for most people to want to read.

    Rearrange the house: NO - She made him do it. "I can't stand the way this place looks. You are gonna rearrange it tomorrow" was what she said. I know that cause I was standing there when she said it.

    Having a baby: I talked to my friend about them having a baby. He also said that he wanted to wait for at least a year for her to get pregnant. He told me that he wasn't ready. She was on the pill and they used a condom, but she still ended up pregnant. Hmmm... yes it can happen, but the chances are very slim. And she is young - 23. So I think waiting a little bit would be OK.

    Animals: Oh I never said that it was animal free. She brought her two cats with her (which is fine) They bought a snake together before they got married. After they got married, she came home with a new puppy one day without my friend knowing that she was even going to get. But he had to get rid of his cat and now she wants his dog gone.

    Job: Why should he have to quit his job or drive a really long way, WHEN SHE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB?

    Living far from family: Yes, there is nothing bad about wanting to live close to her friends and family. His friends and family are here. When they got married, she just assumed that he was going to drop everything here and give in to exactly what she wants.

    I have quite a few other friends that are married. They are happy and I am happy for them. Yes, I understand that when people get married, things change. That is to be expected. Yes, I don't really think they should have gotten married. It happened. I accepted that. I just didn't think that she would be like this!

    Yes, maybe my friend needs to grow some balls. I def think they need to communicate more (She actually bought a "for sale by owner" sign and put it up in front of his house without asking him)
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
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    #7

    Aug 23, 2007, 10:30 AM
    Time to just "let mitch be mitch....."
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #8

    Aug 23, 2007, 10:52 AM
    attacked? Why that wasn't even a teaspoon of whoop-a$$.

    I'm part irish and I'm male. Which means I talk loudly, swing first, and apologize later over drinks. Ill buy first round.

    well I can't be a mind reader, so if the details are too much to provide, don't get pi$$ed. Telling someone she rearranged the furniture just isn't scarey stuff. Sorry. I absolutely stand by my position that in your OP you say very little that's threatening. If you don't want me to talk to you like I would a good friend, including calling them out when it seems they should be, I don't know what to do. I'm just not much of an a$$-kisser.

    after your second post, the one with the details, well OK... sounds like he needs to step up if he's unhappy. Some people don't like to make decisions in relationships. Ever been with that person who never, ever wants to decide on anything? Ever? Is this guy one of those?

    he chooses the life he wants to life. If this isn't it, and he isn't willing to do the work to make it right, he has no reason to b!tch and whine about how miserable he is. You get the respect you demand at best, and sometimes you don't even get that.

    so... what now? Well, you can't make him anything. If he's passive, he's "agreeing" to living this way. If she's bullying him, he needs to be willing to reach into his pants and wave it around now and then.

    how's that for a visual? * note to self - try that the next time I'm in a heated debate with the wife... preferably one I'm going to lose anyway * =)

    figuratively wave it. Being in a relationship with a controlling spouse... well, he chooses the life he lives. Just cause she doesn't have a job doesn't mean he shouldn't structure his around his family, whatever that looks like.

    I think you accept that you believe they shouldn't have married.

    but you don't seem to accept that he wants and accepts this life. And so far you've said NOTHING about his feelings on the matter. Yes, he's made a bunch of concessions. Yeah, she's done some things that would put me off a bit.

    does he seem miserable? Unhappy? Unhealthy? Most of this is about your feelings so far.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #9

    Aug 23, 2007, 10:57 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by margarita_momma
    agrees: Oh kp, calm down. Sounds like she hit a sore spot with you dear! Oh...and I agree with you 100%
    I think you meant to tell me to stop getting my panties in a bunch? ;)

    A soft delivery for a boot-wearing Texas gal, eh?
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #10

    Aug 23, 2007, 11:05 AM
    Oh, and first round for all is a wildfire... tequilla w a shot of tabasco.
    margarita_momma's Avatar
    margarita_momma Posts: 299, Reputation: 46
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    #11

    Aug 23, 2007, 11:18 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by kp2171
    i think you meant to tell me to stop getting my panties in a bunch? ;)

    a soft delivery for a boot-wearing texas gal, eh?

    Boot-wearing Texas gal?? LOL. Not even close. I don't think I have ever owned a pair of cowboy boots. But yes, stop getting your panties in a bunch. :D

    I love the way you answer questions by the way. Harsh but accurate answers are good to hear every now and then.
    Shell_Lee's Avatar
    Shell_Lee Posts: 83, Reputation: 10
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    #12

    Aug 23, 2007, 11:20 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by kp2171
    attacked? why that wasnt even a teaspoon of whoop-a$$.

    im part irish and im male. which means i talk loudly, swing first, and apologize later over drinks. ill buy first round.

    well i can't be a mind reader, so if the details are too much to provide, dont get pi$$ed. telling someone she rearranged the furniture just isnt scarey stuff. sorry. i absolutely stand by my position that in your OP you say very little thats threatening. if you dont want me to talk to you like i would a good friend, including calling them out when it seems they should be, i dunno what to do. im just not much of an a$$-kisser.

    after your second post, the one with the details, well ok.... sounds like he needs to step up if hes unhappy. some people dont like to make decisions in relationships. ever been with that person who never, ever wants to decide on anything? ever? is this guy one of those?

    he chooses the life he wants to life. if this isnt it, and he isnt willing to do the work to make it right, he has no reason to b!tch and whine about how miserable he is. you get the respect you demand at best, and sometimes you dont even get that.

    so... what now? well, you can't make him anything. if hes passive, hes "agreeing" to living this way. if shes bullying him, he needs to be willing to reach into his pants and wave it around now and then.

    hows that for a visual? * note to self - try that the next time im in a heated debate with the wife... preferably one im going to lose anyway * =)

    figuratively wave it. being in a relationship with a controlling spouse... well, he chooses the life he lives. just cause she doesnt have a job doesnt mean he shouldnt structure his around his family, whatever that looks like.

    i think you accept that you believe they shouldnt have married.

    but you dont seem to accept that he wants and accepts this life. and so far youve said NOTHING about his feelings on the matter. yes, hes made a bunch of concessions. yeah, shes done some things that would put me off a bit.

    does he seem miserable? unhappy? unhealthy? most of this is about your feelings so far.
    Lol – well seems like you hit your match. Scottish and Irish with red hair here. Temper is just a part of who we are.

    I am sorry that I didn’t provide ALL the details in the first post. Heck, I haven’t even touched on them all. Oh, and your visual, very funny.

    The funny thing about my friend: I can talk to him about things and he’ll say that he’ll never back down, even with her. Then I find out the complete opposite has happened.

    This is the 3rd girl that he’s wanted to marry (He’s 25) He even bought the 2nd one a ring, just didn’t get to propose before she broke things off with him. He just wanted to be married so badly. The house, wife, cat, dog, kids, white picket fence, etc. I’m really afraid that he didn’t wait for “the one”. She was the one that was “right now”.

    His feelings? Hmmm. He tells me so many mixed things I don’t know what to think anymore. This pissed him off, but then she did that, but then she did this. Back and forth and back again. Grrrr.

    One of our friends said this to me, “Well, she lived with mommy and daddy before getting married. Daddy’s a doctor and gave her everything. She’s spoiled. She doesn’t know what “real” life is like. She’ll find out sooner or later that everything isn’t about her.”

    So yes, I know it’s their life and not to get involved. I guess I really just needed to vent and here it from people that I don’t know.
    Haplo's Avatar
    Haplo Posts: 128, Reputation: 17
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    #13

    Aug 23, 2007, 12:48 PM
    With all the paraphrasing I can muster at the moment, I have to agree with most of the responses in this thread.

    While you and Mitch are close and you are his best friend, etc. It's still his life. Be supportive even if you don't like what he's doing. That's being a real friend. Which is not to say you can't express your opinions, but as always, there's a time, a place and a tact to do it with (not that I'm saying you didn't use these)

    She may be a commanding wife, but the funny thing is, and I hope you don't take offense to this, I would bet you and this woman share a lot of personality traits, the big one you already admitted to... being controlling ;)

    Mitch may be a man that likes to be controlled. He may be happy with how things are in his life. He may not prioritize his job and where he lives the same way you do. He may like that his wife makes all the decisions and acts the way she does. If you want to be a good friend then you have to grin and bear it.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #14

    Aug 23, 2007, 06:15 PM
    It's pretty much out of your hands. Mitch has made his decisions and he's got to deal with the consequences of those decisions. He now has a wife, a stepchild and a child on the way. Those are now his first and foremost responsibilities. Granted he shouldn't let Nicky totally control his life and it sounds like maybe he should have gotten to know her a little better before getting so serious with her. However, what's done is done and it's now up to him to make the best of it.

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