Hi,

I am an Indian guy who has been married for over 2 years now and as our culture is, I stay with my parents and Grandmother post marriage.
I have been facing a lot of pressure due to the growing problems between my mother and my Wife. I love them both and can't think of getting separated from either of them.

Some of the reasons for these conflicts are:
My Mom is strict and very straight forward and don't show a lot of emotions very often. She is fit and gets her work done really fast however my wife is relatively slower and very emotional. Though she is generally polite and makes all possible efforts to improve herself, she at times looses temper and says things which could be treated as disrespectful in our culture. She also wants to be treated as a daughter (and not a daughter in law) which again is not a commonly found practise in our culture.

In a nutshell, my mom is strict, practical and dominating, where as my wife wants to be shown some warmth in their relationship. I have tried hard to make them more compatible but the success has been short and the effects elope after any small verbal conflicts.

I am under a lot of pressure due to all this and if required can have the 2 of them consult with some relationship counsellors as well. Thanks for your help in anticipation.

tickle

Just because the conflicts are culture related personalities doesnt mean that both cant give in a bit, and in this case I think your mom has to give in more and relax. I am assuming, too, she is from an older generation and cant relate to the young woman's needs (is your wife's mom still alive?). I think you are on the right track when you suggest relationship counselling to create a more harmonious household where all can benefit.

The big BUT is though, will your mom agree to this type of mediation seeing as she is sticking to her guns culture-wise.

I am sorry I cant offer any more suggestions, but I see a very close knit indian family unit here and unless someone of the same culture pipes in, I dont see what else to say, except good luck in seeking some sort of agreement between the two parties.

You dont say anythng about your father, is he in the picture too ?

cykoticklemonade

As you said that you try to bridge the differences when they occur and thing do get better for a while .. so I guess you make a promise to yourself that you will always keep your Cool, you have to act like a judge and keep bridging the gap hoping one day you will have to do it no more ... Remeber, only God can change peoples heart, so keep your cool all the time and keep praying ... and do all the right things in life ... your prayers will be answered. You just have to be consistent.

Its hard ... but this is life ...

N0help4u

Is there any way you can move? If you are in the US now tell your mom that you feel that you should take in some of the American culture for your lifestyle as an excuse. If you can move
it could be one home away or the closest you can find so you are still near mom and available to help her.
It is hard for women to live together because they both have their ideas of how they want to do things with everything from where to keep the pots and pans to how to raise a child.
It is hard when one wants to dictate and do everything their way leaving no room for the others self expression.

Think of this example in an over all way rather than kitchens and pots and pans to
understand how your wife must feel......
Your mom may want to arrange the kitchen in a practical way whereas your wife would want to arrange a kitchen that reflects her warmth and personality.
Your mom wins by seniority, its her house and she gets her way.
Your wife feels like she is still a kid under her parents roof not having a say or ability to express herself.

If and when you would have kids it will be even harder because a mom dreams of how she wants to raise her kids ideally and when you have a grand parent undermining that for the good or the bad it makes it even more difficult. Like you might set the kids bedtime at 9 and grandparents might say give the kid a break or the other way around.

I think the best thing you can do for your wife and your marriage is to move down the street so your wife can have a place where she can express herself and feel like she is married to YOU and not a whole family with conflicting ideas of how they want things done.

Fr_Chuck

I can only speak from American culture and values, If there is a choice to make between wife and mother, you back your wife.

You always love your mother, but at marriage you owe a larger committment to your wife.

startover22

Yes, backing your wife, whom you live with and will be with for the rest of your life is the most important thing here! Good luck!