Please advise- future in law issue

joypulv · Jun 10, 2012, 05:55 AM

The crux of the issue is how much should you interfere in his spending, married or not? The simplest answer would be to tell him you aren't chipping in and you will be keeping all your finances separate from now on, because you feel that he is supporting drug use, not rehab. Of course it isn't that simple, because what he gives away won't contribute to your present and future together (as you said), but there is nothing legal or otherwise that a spouse can do about the other spouse's spending. He could buy a boat or get a mistress or give to his favorite charity and your only options are to take it or leave it.
I think I might do a little quiet fact checking were this my situation. Yes, of course drug users are habitual and often very clever liars. Find out, even if you have to hire a PI, and tell him without triumph or I told you so's. Then, depending on his reaction, tell him you will not combine incomes even after marriage.

JudyKayTee · Jun 10, 2012, 07:34 AM

If you marry him, get a prenup and have totally separate finances. That includes separate tax returns, by the way. He may not need his "eyes opened." He may very well already know the truth and just not want to face it.

How do you bring it up to him without it being a deal breaker? I don't know. If the situation is a deal breaker for you (either now or later) I'd rather address it now. He may be perfect in every other way - except for this. Can you live with that?

Just as a side note I find your phrase "im not a drug user but I’m also not retarded" to be very insensitive.

I do realize your brother either used or uses - is that playing a part in this problem? http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-f...rk-668414.html

Jake2008 · Jun 10, 2012, 08:03 AM

I personally think that money should never exchange hands bettween family, or friends, at least not without some accountability and expectation from person lending.

Maybe your boyfriend would consider having some proof before giving money- a simple contract that includes the name of the rehab/treatment centre, so information can be confirmed before money changed hands.

Maybe your boyfriend would consider some sort of family counselling with other family members to address what to do to support his sister,

But I note that you are not yet engaged, so separate finances should be the rule. If you choose to 'chip in' with his sisters' expenses, you have only yourself to blame for not saying no.

And of course, the flip side is you can't tell your boyfriend that he can't spend his money however he likes.

It would be no different if the issue with his sister was gambling for instance. It she were addicted to gambling, it might be easier to face because it is a 'legal' activity, and socially acceptable for anyone to gamble. But the bottom line is the same- money being flushed down the toilet by an addict.

If and when he decides that he had to address the addiction issue, along with the money going to support the addiction, will you be able to state your opinion, and help find solutions for him, and support him when he goes through the family upset that will follow when he is no longer keeping the peace along with other family members.

But, all you can do is mind your business. Not help out or loan money or bail her out of circumstances she will find herself in and needing emergency help. If he chooses to spend his money, and continue to spend his money on his sister, and ignore the obvious, no amount of nagging will help, until he too, is ready to be helped.

With the example you stated of the moving all her stuff, you are actually enabling him, to enable her.

Deal breaker? Not necessarily. But clearly when finances between you and your boyfriend become joint, there should be an agreement, in writing that one or the other cannot dip into the overdraft, or savings, without the approval of the other.

For now, I can't see where you can change what has most likely been a very long standing problem with him and his sister, and family.

greeneyes82 · Jun 11, 2012, 05:19 PM

Wow, thank you all for replying. Your thoughtful advice has brought me to tears, it just makes me very sad that I found this wonderful person, one in the world guy that maybe I cant, or wont be with because it hurts so bad to see this go on and my hands are essentially tied. All of you make very valid points and I agree with your logic. Its funny because when I first heard he had a sister in my age I was excited to think I could have a new great friend in my life. And yes to one responder, my sibling has had drug issues- but my family confronted him in an entirely different way. Peace

Please advise- future in law issue

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