Our 24 year old daughter was supposed to move out by March 30, 2008. She does not pay rent. She has broken her promises to us over and over. Now she says her apartment will not be ready until May 1. We knew she would keep postponing but what can we do? My husband wants to just change the locks and have the police escort her out. We live in New Jersey. Can we do that? Will the police help us? We have 6 other children living at home, 2 in college. It's demoralizing to the rest of the kids and us, when we work hard to make ends meet and she just watches Court TV all day.

George_1950

Welcome to AMHD. Maybe she just loves all of you too much to leave. She should be paying rent. Just curious: does she help the others with transportation, homework, laundry, putting them to bed, baths, etc.? Is she he oldest child? Is she involve in any volunteer work? Is she in school?

TheHouseIsMine

Hi George_1950 thanks for replying to my post. No, she doesn't do anything to help around the house. She could work but she does not. She is on SSI for epilepsy and has been granted approval through several agencies for all sorts of services but does not avail herself of them except for transportation to her doctors offices and the mall. She came here 3 years ago because her boyfriend was beating her up and now she wants to move back in with him. Which was the impetus for us to tell her to move out. (Our one proviso with her returning home was that she not see him anymore.) I'm sure she loves us but she has this weird sense of entitlement and my husband and I are at our wits end. She is almost proud when she tells us that she will not pay for room and board or anything else. When I told her she could no longer eat our food and share meals with us because we couldn't afford she just started stealing food behind our backs and preparing her meals while we were at work. She denies stealing and has created this story about how we have treated her so badly and we are just kicking her to the curb 'again and again.' It's obvious to everyone involved except her, that she doesn't really want to do anything except be with her abusive boyfriend and play house. She fully expects him to support her when she moves out.

George_1950

One option is to do not much of anything and see how things play out, which is where you are now. A second option is to petition to be made her guardian; this may be a bit drastic, but bear with me. You could be granted the guardian of her person and property, which removes her legal ability to contract, to receive her SSI money, get her own medical treatment. It would have the effect of making her an 'adult' child. You may not even be successful, but the legal struggle may motivate her to do something - survive - on her on. The third option, and maybe the best, is to begin a relationship with the county mental health clinic or a private counselor/therapist (or minister, priest, or rabbi) with experience in this area, to help your daughter see the value of her life and the value of being productive in society. Please do not think you are having to reinvent the wheel.

N0help4u

The guardian thing sounds like a good idea tell her that if she has not moved by May 1st you are going for guardianship and having her money signed over to you and laying down a full list of rules which include counseling that should put a fire under her butt to get her out asap.

Izannah

Unless she is putting herself or others at risk, no court will grant you guardianship of a 24 year old able bodied individual. How serious is her epilepsy? Just because a person is deemed disabled by Social Security (which would be why she's getting the SSI) doesn't necessarily mean they need a guardian in the legal sense. Unfortunately being a BRAT is not a crime or disability in the eyes of the law!!
I say give her an ultimatum....out NOW or start kicking in to support herself.

N0help4u

They might be able to use it as a scare tactic if she doesn't know the laws.

Fr_Chuck

First no the police will not get invovled at all, this is a civil issue.

Now if it was my child, I would change the locks but that is not the right and legal thing to do.
If you had given her a written notice to move out, and she did not, you can take her to housing court to evict her

TheHouseIsMine

Thanks too all of you who responded to me. A friend of ours also spoke to a Judge in our area (New Jersey) who said that the solution was simple: Wait until she is out and then change the locks and move all of her stuff outside. I think Fr_Chuck already suggested that, but he didn't think it was legal. Well, legal or not, this is what the Judge suggested.

So, at this point, we have put a lock on the door between her space and ours where there's a button on our side to lock it and a keyhole to lock from the other side. Fortunately, she doesn't have the key. We have also started locking the other doors to the house which, as far as we know she does not have keys for.
As soon as we know she will be out for an hour or two, we are changing the locks. We spoke to the other kids and they are united against letting her back into the house. Can you imagine? None of them have any sympathy left for her. She's driven them all away from her with her crazy behaviour.

Thanks again for everyone's help. I'm so glad I found this website.

achampio21

Just a small thought. It's a little crude and mean but believe me it works. My father did it to both of my brothers at 18.

The next time she leaves the house for ANY reason.... pack her a nice weekend bag and set it on the front porch with a note telling her you love her. You and your husband go find something to do for the whole day and ..... change the locks.