Hello; I'm trying to start a band and It's going to be hard rock but I also want some calm piano songs on are Demo CD too. Kind of a Evanescence thing. But it is so hard wrighting songs. All I'm asking is for some one to turn my horrible songs into magic. Do not laugh when you read this but this is all I've got.

"What if there was no price to pay?
I'd do things my way
I wouldn't be bleeding my heart dry
We don't need this screaming
Don't yell at me becaues you prayed for me to die
If only I were breathing
I'd say to you goodbye
If only I left today......."

I know "Har Har" it sucks but give me a break I'm only 12 and it just came to me and I wrote it down. Anyway, please fix it or if you can wright a song for me useing my words. I would be so greatful. Thanks.

Clough

Hi, AmyLeefreak!

I can help you with writing songs! But, the first thing that I would like to ask you is, what might be the title to what you've posted here, please?

Knowing that, will help me to help you to fix it up.

Thanks!

AmyLeefreak

Hey this is Amy Lee freak and I would like the this peice to be called Goodbye. Thanks for reading it and for trying to help.

Clough

Hi again, AmyLeefreak!

I've done some re-wording and left out some things from your song and also added some thins, so that it will have a better metrical flow to it. It can always be re-worked and re-worked. I'm sure that you get the idea as to how it flows better this way.

The following would be a good start for another verse. I would suggest splitting the sentence apart and making it into two sentences.

I would suggest continuing on with a couple more verses.

What I've done are only suggestions. Please let me know what you think.

Thanks!

AmyLeefreak

Oh, wow, that's so awsome! Thank you. That really lets me see what I've written in a new way. Thank you so much!

AmyLeefreak

Hey, I want to run this by you. To see if I've gotten any better.

"Burning in my own skin
The truth dares to seep through, to you
Just like a whisper
The words slip by your ear
Never taking in what you had to say
I'm lost without you
I've lost myself, again

Maybe, just maybe
I shouldn't have to lie
I just can't stand to see you so alive
I'm ready to break
The sun will have to set today
So my darkness can come out to play

Burning in my veins
Life seems to fade
Dripping down your face
bleeding down my hands;
The blood turns your eyes red

So I pray, I pray, I lose myself and pray
That the rain will wash away this this pain
My tears will only take what's left of me
So have it
So burn me in your hate
It won't break me down
I'm already broken can't you see?
How lost I am without you

And I guess I'll just lay here
Bleeding as you do
So i guess you'll just have to see
What has become of me"

AmyLeefreak

"Walking in my sleep; havn't I told you I'm not only dreaming
Seeping past my lips; I dare to say what's inside of me
My soul cries for fogivness; trust, I would never hurt you that way
Some walk away from love but I'm here to stay

Sunlight burning my skin; darkness cinsuming my mind
I try not to qiuston this emptyness
The anser lays in my heart; never even thought about it
But, why do I lay here dieing, I believed in you
They see me pass them by but, they don't hear my screaming
I can't feel the bleeding anymore

Open your eyes into the night
No more dreaming; that's through
Just rest your head in this soft box, the dead awaits you
No more dreaming, your not sleeping
Your life is really breaking away

Sunlight buring my skin; darkness consuming my mind
I try not to qousition this emptyness
The anwser lays in my heart; never even thought about it
Till I saw you.....

I should have never trusted you
You brought on this deadly chill
Your the fever I can't sweat out
Tell me what I'm living for
Becaues right now it's pain
it's the pain....
I'm only bleeding so I don't have to think about
Anything, only my place in the grave

I've opened my eyes
for the first time
I've only said it
Never belieaved that you've given me evrything
So now I'll just take my place
in the grave....."

AmyLeefreak

"Tell me how to beleave that she's gone
Time and time again I feel her precice taking over my mind
I wonder where I stand becaues right now I'm alone
Seeing through her eyes; I'm bleeding
Out all the lies that make me seem so....

redhed35

hey,i just wanted to say,i think your writing is really good,you can write a song,im not ha ha ing ,and good for you!!

you need a chorus to break the verses,and bring it all together.

keep it up.

Clough

Hi again, AmyLeefreak!

I haven't been able to get online for most of this week because of phone problems.

I agree with redhed35 that chorus breaks are needed for your song. I also think that shortening some of the lines would help, too.

I'll work on what you've written more, when I have the time.

Thanks!