[bonbo]

I was going out with a guy for almost 2 years. In late January, he started picking fights with me out of the blue, and distancing, and being hot/cold, and was suddenly with a capital S riddled with doubts about whether we should break up or not. He's done this sometimes in the past, and we've talked about it, and he agreed he wouldn't do it anymore--that he would try to stay 'present' and talk things out--and he was good about that for several months... a couple times he 'slipped' but was quick to apologize and reassure me. So, things were going great--we hadn't had any major arguments for months, we were talking a lot and laughing about things and having so much fun together... we were talking about going to New York for the weekend next month... Christmas was wonderful, and he talked about what we would do NEXT Christmas with his family... When friends asked me how things were going with us, I'd give a big smile and say 'GREAT!' I felt like I had finally found someone right for me.

So, one night, we had really hot sex--our sex life was excellent--and I had this weird thing happen--extreme pain during orgasm. The same thing had happened about a month previous, and he was SO supportive and kind. He was that night, too, but the next morning--even though he made me French toast, which was sweet of him--I could feel him starting to do his 'distance' thing... it's hard to explain, but I've gotten very good at 'picking up the vibe,' whether in person, on the phone... even via the tone of an email! I can always tell when he's ready to pull his emotional disappearing act. Anyway, he was cold that night on the phone. I confronted him about it, and he BLEW up, raging at me in a way he hadn't for well over a year (when he did it then, I told him I would not tolerate being talked to in that tone, and he never did it again until that night).

To make a long story short... he became more distant... he jerked me around a few times with 'let's break up,' 'no, let's be together,' 'no, let's break up.' He didn't call me or email for 3 weeks. (I called him and emailed him during the 1st week, but got tired of always intiating it). Anyway, after the 2 weeks of no contact--from a guy who had been calling me EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for almost 2 years--I called him and broke up with him over the phone (he lives 2 hours away). I'd just HAD it... I felt like he wasn't respecting me at all, whenever I asked him if we were broken up or if he could explain himself he just said 'I don't know' and was vague, and he was leaving me to guess if we were still together or not. It was making me CRAZY!

Anyway, we haven't talked at all for a few weeks now. I can't stop obessessing about it... wondering what the hell happened! Of course I'm still madly in love with him and very hurt. I keep hoping he'll contact me and explain himself, but he hasn't. Part of me thinks I should send a brief email seeing if he would be willing to discuss things so I could have a sense of closure (by knowing why everything deteriorated so rapidly and why--after he had been treating me like the best thing since sliced bread for months--he suddenly just ditched me). There's no other girl--I know this for a fact--and I've heard it through the grapevine that he feels 'stung' by it all, but is trying to 'get over it' and move on.

This just feels like such a crazy mind game. I have no idea what happened at all, and I guess my question is: does it make any sense to even try to talk to him at this point? He seems extremely angry at me... but I swear I've done nothing to provoke this (as an aside, he hates all of his exes and has extreme anger at them, a red flag I should have paid more attention to, perhaps. I am friends or on good terms with all but one, well, now two, of my exes).

I feel like I could have titled this post 'I dated Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde and lived to tell the tale.'

[Noname1]

It seems possible that he may be bipolar?
Or prehaps have some sort of abandonment issues?

I have a friend who is bipolar and he is the nicest guy in the world most of the time, and then sometimes without any reasoning he will become some huge jerk who is very depressed and quick to get angry.

[kp2171]

The above post has the most likely answer absolutely spot on. He needs to see a doctor, and it sure sounds like bipolar behavior.

[bonbo]

Wow, this makes SO much sense... thank you!

I know that the woman he was seeing before me told him she thought he is bipolar, but I just didn't see that at the time. The irony is that I am mildly bipolar myself... I am on medication, and have worked hard to find ways to stabablize my moods. I'm genearlly mostly stable these days, but I've had rough patches in the past... he has even told me that I am a calming influence on him sometimes, that I help him to get clear when he feels overwhelmed.

But, one of the reasons I got so frustrated and couldn't take his behavior anymore and just broke it off so abruptly was that was that it was beginning to de-stabalize ME...

I guess I didn't see it because it is so familiar... and also, he does have HUGE abandonment issues... both from childhood, and from an ex whom he discovered was cheating on him. So, that figures in, too.

This makes SO much sense seen through this lens... all of the baffling behavior of his through the course of our relationship. And why everything turned so abruptly on a dime.

It doesn't leave me very hopeful about a reconciliation, though. I just don't know if that could work... two bipolars together. It seems there would be so many issues that could come up.

Which makes me so sad. I love this guy so much... I am absolutely heartbroken over our breakup. But one of the most important things I learned in keeping myself stable is to disenge from people whose behavior becomes too destabablizing for me.

And I don't even know if he wants to try to work things out. I sent him an email this morning, just brief, saying I'd like to talk about what happened so we could get some clarity and closure, if he wants to talk. It would help me a lot to talk about this with him... I think it could help him too, honestly. Maybe if enough people tell him he's acting bipolar, he might take the step to get some help.

[avalee]

This sounds like the situation with my ex word for word. We dated for 3 years, and I like you, was so in love with him. He had bipolar disorder. The thing is, I did not know this for most of our relationship. He kept it from me. He would get so angry, and say the most hurtful things and give me the "silent treatment" for no reason at all. He would make things seem like they were my fault, and I would end up apologizing to him! It was crazy and I was constantly walking on eggshells. I was an emotional mess. I know it's going to be hard, because you love him but I think you need to let him go. At least for now. Obviously, he is in denial that he needs help. It is never OK to just blow up at someone. It is not normal to have such dramatic mood swings. My ex, like your boyfriend also had a thing where when he broke up with someone, he was angry at them.

I guess what I'm saying is, I know you love him. You want to know why he is acting this way towards you. But the thing is, you cannot fix him. Even if he does have bipolar disorder, do you want to stick around and be on this emtional roller coaster for years? I finally broke away from my ex and I am sooo much happier. Don't get me wrong, it was devastating to break up but after I was out of the relationship I realized how miserable I had been all along. Sometimes you just have to love yourself more to know when to walk away. Hope this helps you.

[MedicBoy]

Well, I can speak from the guy's point of view I think because I tend to behave in a very similar fashion. At least with girlfriends I care very much about. And not really ever with male friends.

I don't know if it's "bi-polar" per se (I'm 32 now and have never heard anyone even suggest this could be my problem), because these mood swings, such as they are, are not random, but always triggered by something -- small or big -- that hurts my pride, or makes me feel vulnerable, I don't know. I don't yell, and only rarely say hurtful things, but almost always just get very quiet, and answer questions curtly, and generally just be a little brat. It's pretty lame tbh. The problem is, once it starts, I have ZERO control over it. And the more the girl tries to draw me out, the more I retreat. I really need to just be alone for awhile to collect myself, but this isn't always convenient.

So anyway, if this guy is like me, chances are he was hurt in a way, by this pain you felt during orgasm. Even though he realizes this is illogical, and it's not like you did it on purpose, he feels "attacked" in a sense, and so instinctively withdraws.

I would say just let him know you care for him, and can give him some time alone if he wants, but that you love him and want to continue to be with him. Guys like us need this reassurance. BUT, if you do get back together, the very first thing you should do is force him to talk about this behavior, let him know it is not acceptable or he WILL lose you forever (which... you already did, but maybe give him one more chance, and be emphatic this time). And it's not even a threat. It's the hard truth that he chips away a little at your love for him every time he pulls this crap. One day, too much of the love will be gone, and it will be too late. This is the message I never really got, and so continued with my behavior, and eventually lost the girl.

Chances are he actually does need therapy, though, to learn how to fight off these impulses to withdraw if nothing else. Might want to suggest that as well. Good luck.

[talaniman]

Sometimes we need to recognise when someone has problems we can't help them with, and need to leave them alone. For the good of both.

[bonbo]

Thanks for your answers... this all gives me much to think about.

I sent him the email Saturday, and he replied, and we volleyed emails throughout the day... we decided to get together Sunday afternoon and talk about things. He seemed really, really happy to hear from me, and kept saying how much he misses me. He tried to call last night, but I missed his call.

The thing is, there are so many variables here. Yes, his behavior was just 'bad.' But I know from past experience with him that he generally owns up to what he was at fault with after he has some space and time away... and when I told him what sort of things I won't tolerate in the past--where my line in the sand is--he always makes effort to change those behaviors, and though he backslides sometimes, he never backslides as far back into the behavior as he had been. With the exception of this time.

Alsol, I know he's been under an immense amount of pressure since the turn of the year... finances, work, health. I guess what I'm saying is, maybe I should cut him a little slack. Maybe. I guess a lot depends on what he says when we talk... how much is is willing to own, how much he acknowledges his role. For my part, I've seen some things I could have done differently throughout the whole rough patch... very humbling to admit, but, I always try to be accountable.

The thing is, I'm finding it so hard to walk away from this guy. It just doesn't feel 'finished.' I've been broken up with a couple times in the past, and I have intiated a couple break-ups, and, each time, it felt right. Painful, but right. And I could walk away and move on with no attachment (with the exception of the first one, lol. Boy, I tried to change his mind. Pathetically so. I think I learned from THAT experience the damage of holding out hope for all the wrong reasons!)

This one doesn't feel 'right.'

I've never met anyone in my life I've been so compatible with in so many areas... we meet each other intellectually, artisically, we share a similar sense of humor. We have enough differences to keep thing interesting, but enough similarities to understand one another most of the time. We come from similar backgrounds--f'd up dysfunctional abusive working class families, which we both were able to disengage from and we each put ourselves through college and we moved into a better lifestyle. We also both had substance abuse issues when we were younger, and we 'get' each other on that level, as well. I guess my point with those last two is: I've never met anyone who matched me in emotional strength and resiliance. We also share common values and life goals... we want the same things for the future.

I dated 44 guys (most only one or two dates) before I met this guy, and it's hard to walk away from him. None of those other guys felt anywhere near as right as he does.

This is so hard. I want to do what's healthy for me, but I don't want to miss an opportunity, either. I am trying so hard to listen to my heart... but so many people are telling me to listen to my head.

[MedicBoy]

Nobody is perfect. If he's willing to own up to his shortcomings and work to try to change his behavior, I don't think it's too much to ask for you to try to meet him half-way. It could be another 44 guys before you meet someone as compatible, and then that guy could be flawed in another, much worse way.

But then again, I can relate to the guy in this scenario, so I'm pretty biased.

[kp2171]

Mixed feelings here. One part says run away. Another says talk it out and see what happens... and I'm not the "stay in a bad relationship" kind of guy... but you've been through that once, so I think you have some perspective that some don't.

Well its true what was said... it isn't about perfect, its about getting closer to perfect for you. Your "own kind of wierd."

I think some of his behaviour is unacceptable... but we all do stupid things, and if you know that his mental "relflex" is unpredictable, but he quickly comes back around to middle ground, I suppose its something that might be workable. Some would say its borderline abuse when a partner lashes out like this. Some might say you have to be willing to let the noise pass, if you really think he is vested in the relationship, just unable to control his short term emotions.

I dated a girl in HS... and college... 7 years total. Her father was a well respected psychiatrist in the area. Such a great, great guy. Kind. Loving. Friendly. Giving.

His wife was very different. She was suspicious, quick to anger, quick to judge, quick to categorize. They both came from poor families. She seemed ashamed and tried to hide it with education degrees and material things. He was accomplished, teaching at a major medical university, and he had no problem admitting his humble roots.

I was always amazed they stayed together. They seemed so different. And I don't care about the young idealistic bs of "love conquers all"... no it doesn't.

But in this case... he seemed to understand her and find enough common ground that for all her noise and chaos, they seemed OK together.

I am so NOT telling you that you should be this guy. I'm saying personalities can be mismatched and it can work out. But I can tell you I couldn't do it... nor could my wife. If I treated her as you've been treated, we'd have some serious talking to do.

So... you've done the "hang on too long when its hopeless" thing. Me too. And you've learned from it. So... I don't think it's the worst thing in the world for you to try to work through this if you want to. You don't get to play victim. You know how he seems to be. So if you stay you know it might not get any better.

And sometimes its OK to hang on a little bit if the other person seems to show some effort, even when they fail.

But you absolutely need to think about where the lines are. You need to think about, if you are considering children, what family life might be like. And if he needs some professional help and is willing, maybe you can be a part of it if you wish to stay.

I'm not an expert in this area, but I've seen at least one fairly unbalanced relationship (where mental dispositions are concerned) seem to be strong and lasting, for what its worth.

[squeaks77]

Some guys are just insane! Start dating another boy (doesn't have to be serious at all) to get your mind off that loser! He's the problem, not you.

[talaniman]

This is certainly not the typical post we have here. As long as a couple is willing to work together, the chances are good for some favorable results. Provided of course the mental health issues alluded to in the title can be addressed in a positive manner.