[w0ah its ash]

Okay before I get into this,I just want to warn everyone.We were really crazy.ok...

I had a crush on this guy that was a translator at my middle school when I was twelve.He was nine years older then me.His student was a year above me and when he moved on up to the high school,so did his translator.Now I stayed with that crush all through hs,seeing him in the hallways all the time.He was part of the hs staff and all the students loved him.He looked very young and a lot of girls liked him.I never knew him though.I always admired from afar and it always seemed like he looked right through me in the hs.His student again was graduating a year before me and I figured that he would be leaving the hs after his student left.It didn't work out like that and when I returned for my senior year ,so did he.We eventually met in November of my senior year.

We ran into each other at the most akward places and times and we constantly saw each other due to our sports schedules.He was a coach and I was a manager for a diff team but same season.Eventually we exchanged screenames and became online friends.At first it was friendly and platonic.We talked about school,sports,music,my life,his life,similar interests etc.But after a couple of weeks the flirting got very intense.Intense enough that he had to step back and end the flirting.He didn't want to stop being friends but the attraction was there and he didn't want to risk his job.I had already fallen for him but I understood and we remained friends for about a month and a half until our relationship took another turn and the flirting started again.

He ended it about 4 times.And every time the flirting would start up again worse then before.It would be in the span of like 3 weeks every time after the first time it ended.He kept saying that I had feelings and he didn't have feelings because he didn't allow himself to.That if we ever got involved it would have to be purely physical with nothing attached because there was no way for a relationship and he didn't want to hurt me because he cared about me.By the ending of our 4th month talking (we had become very close.and I entrusted him with secrets about me that I never told anyone else by this time) I just got really annoyed on how he kept telling me he had no feelings.Out of nowhere I decided that I no longer had feelings.So by the ending of our 4th month I risked my graduation and he risked his job and we hooked up.

This happened during spring break and we hooked up three times.All three times being extremely sexual.Im still a virgin so we never had sex,but we did get very close to it and we did have oral sex every time.The third time,I was very drunk and wanted to sleep with him,but he wouldn't allow it because of my state of mind.After that week he ended it saying he was scared for his job and he was terrified and everything had to stop until I graduated.I was angry because I finally had no more feelings like he wanted me to,but he was still ending it.I didn't really lose my feelings obv I just convinced both of us that I did.

This was the first time I ever got seriously angry and made him scramble and try to explain himself to me.By this time,I had started questioning him if he had hooked up with other students before.I was always told that he did,but he constantly told me he didn't.I was crazy about him so I chose to believe him,even though the evidence that he did was overwhelming.We again stayed friends,but two weeks later he had a girlfriend.

I was shocked and hurt because not only was I never told about any girls he was talking to ( which I shouldve been out of respect) this girl was only two years older then myself and here he was having a relationship with her.I of course assumed that he was talking to her when he was with me and I flipped out because I had done things with him that I had never done with anyone else.I had decided to drop it and leave it be because we were never official.But I also decided that we would no longer be friends.

For three weeks I didn't speak to him and I cut him off completely.Took him off my cell,my buddy list,myspace etc.I went to my prom,partied and came back home happy.But the week after I just couldn't take my anger at him and I flipped out on him.I called him out on everything I thought.How he lied to me about her,how he was with her when he was with me,and how I no longer want him in my life.Needless to say he went crazy trying to explain to me and prove to me that it wasn't like that.He did care about me and how he got with this girl the day after we ended and that's when they started talking.

He went through unbelievable lengths to prove to me that they started talking a day after we ended.He even went as far as to using his girlfriend and best friend ( who was his student throughout all those year) to prove to me it (they of course didn't know that they were being used) and even after I kept saying for him to leave me alone.Eventually I had to believe him because he proved it and our friendship resumed.But not long after the attraction towards each other was too strong and we ended up hooking up again a month before I graduated and while he was still with the other girl.I of course was ridiculously guilty about the whole thing and I for the first time officially ended it.

I was so stressed about the situation that I stopped eating(Im eating now though).And I couldn't deal with him anymore so I just told him to be with her and we still can be friends but its over.He agreed and apologized for everything.But very soon after that he started changing because of his girlfriend.I knew she was very controlling and jealous but I didn't know she was going to try and stop all contact with other girls.I was hurt when he started letting her control him.I had decided that our friendship was over and that was it.But the last week of hs and two days before I graduated,his girlfriend found out about another girl that he had hooked up with from the hs 4 years previous.

He lied to her about it and she threatened to rat on him if he didn't cut off all relations with anyone from the hs esp girls.Him being scared admitted everything to me and begged me to understand that he can't break up with her now,and to understand how ashamed he was about the other girl 4 years back and that's why he lied.For me to forgive him and to not hate him and to understand.Me being so in love with him understood his situation and why he couldn't break up with her.But I was angry that he was letting her do this to him.I unwillingly agreed to end our friendship and cut off all ties with him until they broke up.

I graduated with a heavy heart and I was very heartbroken.For two weeks I was upset and moped and I was hoping that he really was going to break up with her.But soon after everythng I realized that he never was going to break up with her.What he was going to do was get through the rough patch with her and if they didn't work out,I was the back up plan.He had no intention on breaking up with her and he was just playing me for a fool.So I plucked up the courage to write out a goodbye letter.I basically made the point of "this is how i was growing up.this is the person i became and how this person affected our relationship.i never allowed myself to get walked all over.you messed up.you're a liar and a manipulater and its over.I thank you for everything you taught me.I wish you well.Goodbye".

I gave him the letter face to face after three weeks of not talking and walked away after he asked me to stay.Within those three weeks one of his best friends tried to become friends with me and I allowed it.What I didn't know was that he would lie about me to the teacher and he would believe that I was trying to get with his best friend.After everything we had been through.He started telling all of his close friends to stay away from me.After I gave that letter,I decided to just live my life and forget the six months we shared.
But that didn't work out too well because unexpectedly I became best friends with his student of 9 years and his like brother(same person mentioned in the very beginning btw).We became very close and he divulged all of his teachers secrets to me.Including the amount of hs girls there were and their names.There were 6 in total. All of them got manipulated and lied to.All were controlled.

But he couldn't control me.I was the only one who made him scramble and work hard.His student told me that he had been bad mouthing me after that letter and calling me all these foul things.Saying I was a psycho and I would befriend anyone associated with him to get back in his life (not true).He was saying I was annoying and he hated me etc etc.I was very hurt through all of this because obv he was the one who messed up.And he was just angry because I realized the lies so quickly.He tried to tell his student to not be friends with me but we didn't listen.Eventually his student fell for me and asked me to be his girlfriend.

I of course declined not wanting to start even more problems.But he is really great.I can see myself really falling for this guy in the future.But I don't know how to get over his teacher.Im still very much in love with him and I miss him terribly.He is still with his girlfriend.And Im just so lost.I want to know if he still cares or if he ever cared about me at all.I don't understand why he is bad mouthing me so much after he swore that I was special and he respected and cared for me.I just really want this to be over ,and have him away from me.But I don't see that happening with his student being my best friend and potential boyfriend in the future.Its all so confusing.Its been a little over a month since I gave him the letter and since we've talked or seen each other.And his student finally told him I want nothing to do with him ( when I really do ),and he's starting to accept that I think.What should I do? HELP =[!

[Skell]

Im sorry but it is too hard to read.

You really need to use paragraphs. It is just too hard to read for me to offer any advice. Im surer others will be the same too.