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Son is thirty years old and is just wrapping up a divorce. He was married for six years and he was the one who wanted the divorce. But he appears to have lost his focus and is spiralling downward. He lives 100 miles away from us and has always had a good job. His divorce was very emotional for him and I suspect that he slacked off at work a bit. Now he thinks he may be laid off as the firm is hiring more workers in his field. I suspect he is drinking a fair bit and running up debt he can't afford. And this is driving me crazy! I don't sleep for worrying about him and his future. And I know I am powerless to really do anything. I know he is an adult but he is my only son and I love him dearly. He was in counselling but ,at $160.00 a session, it was too expensive for him and us. Anyone with some sage advice?
Have to be careful what we wish for sometimes. I don't know the circumstances behind the divorce, but just from what I can surmise, it seems like your son was having some troubles for sure in his marriage. You said the divorce was his idea, and that it was very emotional for him...
If the divorce was his idea, why isn't he happy about it? Or did he want the divorce so he could continue to do his drinking etc having life his way spending and all... with the excuse of poor me? Is he an alcoholic?
It's never too late to start life over, but sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom before they desire a change that they are willing to put effort into.
Why don't you pay him a visit; take a care package from Mom. While in the area, scope out the county mental health clinic and find out how he would get an appointment and the fees. Also contact clergy in the area; they may be the best source of advice for him and assist in providing a support group.
Is he close to a University? Many universities that have psychology departments offer counseling for free or a very limited cost. One in my area only charges $6 a visit. Understand that these are students doing the counseling, but sometimes they can be better at counseling because they have a fresher approach than someone who may have been in it for a while and might be burned out.
If he sincerely wants to go to counseling some counselors will reduce fees significantly to help someone, just ask as there are many counselors out there. Also, there are M.A. counselors that charge less than Ph.D or M.D.'s. There are also self-help groups for people going through divorce out there that are at little to no cost. Also, in my personal experience I drank a lot more after the end of a significant relationship. Many others that I know also drank and partied after divorces.....I think it's normal and he may just be trying to meet new people (women). The question is, does this affect his life to the point where he is causing long-term problems for himself?
Continue to show your love and support for him. Don't be afraid to be honest and encourage him to stop drinking and go back to counseling. There are lots of places that will provide counseling at a reduced rate. Have him contact a local mental health clinic and ask them if they can help him find something like that. Tony J makes a good point about self-help groups. There are ones for divorce and for alcohol. If he is a religious person, encourage him to talk to a religious leader of his choice. They are usually more than happy to meet and talk with people who are having a rough time.
Hopefully, he is just going through the post-divorce adjustment period and will get back on track, That is why I think going back into counseling might help. Mention to him that alcohol is a depressant, so if he is feeling down anyway, alcohol should definitely be avoided.
It sounds to me like he is telling you, mother, a big load of negative news on purpose....he sure isn't protecting you from the mess he is making out of his life! He's telling you stuff that hasn't happened, negative stuff, so you will worry! Sick! I had a brother who did this to our mother, and I believe he did it to punish her on some sick level. He used to pit his wife against his mother in a few subtle ways, too.
Also, I think he has a secret that he doesn't want others to know......a secret like he is an alcoholic or whatever??
I think you have to shore yourself with activities you enjoy and stand up to your son. If you are weak and let him manipulate your emotions, he will grow more and more immature. In fact, why don't you go for a few visits with a good therapist to help your sort out your feelings?
Just be a suportive mother to him. I am one of four children that my mother gave away. The one thing that we would have appreciated from her would be love and support. So just show him that you love him and that you care about him, maybe it'll make things better.
I agree also to the above the only thing i would add when i was going through a divorce and my mom wasnt around she would either call me daily or ssend me cards and soemtimes send me really funny ones really cut the tension and i really looked forward to them, belive it or not just the words ilove you and iam here for you means sooooooooooo much and boys do need there mom, mine is married and still calls me daily just to chat.
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