I met him in high school when i was a senior and he was a junior. I am now a college freshman and he is a senior. We have been together for a little over a year. A few months into the relationship we started having problems. He had a habit of talking to other girls on myspace or other messengers. Usually messages about sex or ones saying he wanted to be with another girl and liked her. Once he traded naked pictures with another girl. All of this i considered cheating even if it wasnt physical. I found these and confronted him and he just made the same old promises not to do it again. Afterwards I would always ask him if there was anything else and he would always say no. I found it hard to believe I knew everything, but I couldn't get anything else out of him. I didn't leave him because I love him, yes I know everyone says the same and it always sounds super pathetic, and I wanted to believe things would change.

Over spring break, however, I found out that back in November he physically cheated. I talked to both of them and the story went like this: They had intended to have sex that night, but they didn't because he "couldn't get it up." So he just fingered her and they never kissed, she never touched him, and that was the end of it. Oh and apparently one of his guy friends was there too. He was the one who apparently did all the kissing and touching. Not sure I completely believe this, but that was the story that I got from her after he lied about it. Then he owned up to it when I told him I had talked to her. We are still together, but it is really hard for me to look at the relationship the same. I hurt because of what he did and it is always in my head. I don't know if our relationship can work even though I love him. He says he loves me, but I tell him you don't do that to someone you love.

So my question after the long story is this: Is there any advice to help us work. I know I am going to get a lot of the "leave his " and "you deserve better" comments, which is fine, but I want real help not just that. Can a guy change? Will he change? Is he just to immature to be in a real relationship? I really want to be with him, as pathetic as that sounds, but I wont if I can't get things to change.

TheSavage

Why should he change? it worked he got away with it.

To be honest its going to be really hard for you to have a long term relationship with him because it will always be in the back of your mind and it is going to be hard for you to trust him. -- Savage

robertsqueen

BlakeCory

Yes! People can change. People can change themselves and no one else. I know you want to fix him, make him better, happy and satisfied and committed to only you like he should be. The choice isn't yours to make. he should be the one posting questions on how to fix things, not you.

Make sure he realizes that he has to change our things will be over. Stand up for yourself, draw the line. be very clear about what you expect and then give him the chance to decide. I believe you love him, because you choose to love him. Now he has to make the choice to love you, not just say it but do it.

You said it best "you deserve better"

God Bless

foxigirl83

Hey I totally understand Ive been in a questionable relationship for the last five years. Ive never physically caught him, but have good reason to believe he has cheated. The thing is the longer you stay the harder it will get to leave. You can try to work things out. Is he a communicator? Have you tried counseling together, talking it out? Hopefully he is a relatively sensitive guy who is willing to talk to you about your relationship in general. I know that I should have left my boyfriend a long time ago for some of the stuff he did, but I was always too dependent on the relationship to do that. You can try to work things out, but hopefully if it's time to let go you'll be able to do that.

fubby

As for leaving him - there are a lot of sweet, committed guys out there who wouldn't cheat on you (especially not a planned cheating like you mentioned he did). And obviously it is an interest of his, not just a one time thing. He seems to be into all dimensions of it. Online, flirting, physical...It seems to be part of who he is, I think it is unlikely he will change anytime soon. Maybe in a very long time when he gets more serious.

Maybe the best thing to do would be to part with him and if it was meant to be then maybe you can try again in the future.

As for staying with him, if this is what you decide to do, then you'll have to do one of two things:
decide you're okay with staying with him even if he cheats and lies.
or
decide you want to believe he will change, and so you will need proof. ask to read his messages and snoop around. you've earned that now, he has given you no reason to trust him and so he should understand that. if you want to gain the trust back, you're going to need proof. And if he doesn't agree to let you see what he has been saying or doing, then explain this to him - you think you believe him and you just want to make sure, so you can both get back to being in love!
I know it sounds silly to ask to read his private things, but you wouldn't do it forever. Normally it would never be a good idea, but I think he owes it to you now. Denying you that would be cruel of him, given the circumstances.

And other than that you MUST get into why he cheated. Ask him. Was it the girl in particular, is he bored or unsatisfied, just a high sex drive, is he feeling doubtful about you two? Or maybe he didn't even really want to do what he did, and he was just feeling confused or maybe he was insecure about how you felt about him! Or maybe you did something to him in the past and he was feeling resentful.
He must have a reason, even if it is a very simple one, make him think about it!

I'm really sorry about how you must be feeling.
It's rough to love someone and have something like this happen...
even if you feel you should not be together, you can't just flip a switch and stop loving them instantly.
Anyway, good luck with whatever you do!