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I can’t believe that I’m writing this, I still don’t know if it’s a good idea, but I guess it’s time I did, so here it goes.
First, for anyone that knows me on this site, you all know that I strongly believe in safe sex for our teens, or better yet, abstinence. I’ve spoken my mind about this topic many times. I think it’s time to give all of you a better understanding about me, because I also post in the Adult sexuality threads and I think I might be sending a mixed message.
I realized that some of you might think that I’m being hypocritical, preaching abstinence when I myself did not abstain. The story I’m about to tell is something I’ve only told two people in my entire life, my husband and my best friend, now I’m telling all of you, I hope that I’m making the right decision.
I was molested as a child. I don’t know when it started; my earliest recollection is when I was five years old. I was molested by my 13-year-old female cousin. I will not go into detail about the abuse, it’s bad enough that I can recall it; I don’t want those images in anyone else’s head.
I never told my parents, or anyone, not until I was in my thirties and then I only told my husband and friend. My parents are both deceased, so they can rest in peace not knowing what I went through, it would have broken their hearts.
She (my cousin) was my babysitter, my parents trusted her, why wouldn’t they, she’s family. I do remember that I started crying allot whenever my parents said they were going out and that she was coming to baby-sit. Eventually they agreed to get a different babysitter, but I never trusted anyone, I always screamed when they left.
Why am I telling you this? Well, I don’t know if the rest of my life, or the actions I took in my life are related to what I went through as a child, but here goes. When I became a teenager I also became promiscuous. I didn’t think that I was doing anything wrong, I only experimented with oral and anal sex, and I still considered myself a virgin, because technically I was. I didn’t feel anything for the boys that I gave myself to; I didn’t feel anything for myself either. I lost my “virginity” when I was 17, after that I settled down a bit. Then I turned 18 and I was raped. It was a friend of my ex-boyfriend, he did quite a number on me, I never told anyone that either, not until much later in my life. After the rape I once again became promiscuous. My motto was, better to give myself to them than for them to take it forcefully. I didn’t care what happened to me. Deep down I must have cared a little bit, because I always insisted that they use a condom. Still, condoms break, I was lucky.
I met my husband when I was 19 ½ years old, he changed my life. He never pushed me into anything, he was content just holding my hand, he became my best friend, and he still is today. Because of my hubby I have been able to “deal” with some of the things from my past, it’s still there, but I have a handle on it. I think the worst thing for me was the fact that my childhood molester was female, I couldn’t understand, even back then, why she would do that to me. I was never confused about my sexual orientation, it made me angry, hurt, scared that she would do this terrible thing to me. I think that I would have found it easier to tell someone about the abuse had my abuser been male, does that make any sense? The fact that she’s female made me ashamed, even though I didn’t instigate or willing participate in the abuse. I can’t explain this the way I need to, I hope you all can understand what I’m trying to say.
Anyway, there it is. A bit of background on me. I can’t believe that I’m actually considering posting this. I guess I’m ready to tell my story, and I’ve chosen to tell it to all of you. Please don’t think of me differently, I’m still the same person, not unlike the rest of you, we all have things in our past, I just feel the need to share mine with you.
I’m scared, should I post it? Oh well, here it goes. I hope you all understand.
I have a friend that has kept journals for YEARS. Every fall, she burns them. You don't have to KEEP the journal, though it's good to read back through and see how far you've come. But it's good to get your thoughts and feelings down for no one but yourself to read. You can also get a lock box that your kids can't get into, and just make sure that when you don't NEED a journal for yourself anymore, that you destroy it.
You can ALSO keep a journal online, password protected, and just never give ANYONE else the password. You can keep that journal completely private from the public and your friends, and use a username that can't be connected to you.
I think keeping a journal is a great idea. I've been sporadic about keeping one myself, but whenI do write, it's usually in the form of a letter to myself, or to someone that is hurting me somehow, or someone who thrills me (my husband has DOZENS of those letters) If, after a year or so, I re-read it and don't like it, or wouldn't want to say that to someone I love (or hate), I pull that letter out and burn it. The others I leave for people when I'm gone.
Alt..you've taken the first baby steps through the door. Let that little girl out of her closet--she's been there long enough. A good therapist will help you with that, and many work on sliding scale fees.
Wow, when you said to give myself the advice that I would give to others that really opened my eyes. You're right, if I read this post and it was someone else other that me than my advice would be exactly what you all are telling me.
It's funny isn't it, I always have advice for others, it may not always be what they want to hear but it's always what I feel they need to hear, I'm not usually one to back down, yet I'm taking a backseat to my own problem.
Synnen, you're right. I have left that little girl alone in the dark for far too long, and she's so very afraid of the dark. I've got to find a way to let her in so that we can both be the person that we're meant to be (no, I don't have a split personality, do we? Joke) I've been holding the door of that closet shut for so long, it's tiring, it's exhausting, I just have to let her out, and I have to find a way to accept her for who she is and was, after all she's a part of me, a large part of me, she is me.
This has all been so strange, it's like being hit by a truck, one that you saw coming down the road straight for you, and you've dodged and dodged hoping that you won't get hit, but you don't have the sense to get off the road out of it's path. I guess I needed to finally stop dodging, and even though it hurts, it was inevitable that I'd get hit sooner or later.
Your advice has been great, all of you, I honestly don't know what I would do without any of you, I'm so glad that I found all of you, I consider you friends, I hope that's okay.
Dear, Sweet, Alty... of course its ok. You've already been named a friend-o'-mine a long time ago... I think it was about 90 pages ago, actually.
I am so blessed that you'd call me a friend. Thank you for trusting us so much to share your secrets and unburden your heart. You truly are being polished and shined - I cannot wait to see the beautiful gem that results from your process of healing.
Alty, I am so sorry. No never not ever. You hear me. I would have thought the exact same thing. And I will tell you just where I was I promise to the heavens or why I didn't reapsond, but this is
Alt time and you were in the best of hands. I love you -
I am so releieved that you now know it was more of a matter of me arriving so to speak, and no refelction on you whatsoever.
P.S. AND BY THE WAY...NEVER EVER EVER EVER GIVE Anyone the right or privledge to judge you, persecute you, treat you poorly or think of you poorly, for they are not worth having that control.
Uh, Allheart, you know kung fu? If you don't then thank goodness cause you are scaring me......
You are such a sweet genuine woman Allheart. AND you are right, we should never let anyone jusdge us or treat us poorly! You are soo right!
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