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I can’t believe that I’m writing this, I still don’t know if it’s a good idea, but I guess it’s time I did, so here it goes.
First, for anyone that knows me on this site, you all know that I strongly believe in safe sex for our teens, or better yet, abstinence. I’ve spoken my mind about this topic many times. I think it’s time to give all of you a better understanding about me, because I also post in the Adult sexuality threads and I think I might be sending a mixed message.
I realized that some of you might think that I’m being hypocritical, preaching abstinence when I myself did not abstain. The story I’m about to tell is something I’ve only told two people in my entire life, my husband and my best friend, now I’m telling all of you, I hope that I’m making the right decision.
I was molested as a child. I don’t know when it started; my earliest recollection is when I was five years old. I was molested by my 13-year-old female cousin. I will not go into detail about the abuse, it’s bad enough that I can recall it; I don’t want those images in anyone else’s head.
I never told my parents, or anyone, not until I was in my thirties and then I only told my husband and friend. My parents are both deceased, so they can rest in peace not knowing what I went through, it would have broken their hearts.
She (my cousin) was my babysitter, my parents trusted her, why wouldn’t they, she’s family. I do remember that I started crying allot whenever my parents said they were going out and that she was coming to baby-sit. Eventually they agreed to get a different babysitter, but I never trusted anyone, I always screamed when they left.
Why am I telling you this? Well, I don’t know if the rest of my life, or the actions I took in my life are related to what I went through as a child, but here goes. When I became a teenager I also became promiscuous. I didn’t think that I was doing anything wrong, I only experimented with oral and anal sex, and I still considered myself a virgin, because technically I was. I didn’t feel anything for the boys that I gave myself to; I didn’t feel anything for myself either. I lost my “virginity” when I was 17, after that I settled down a bit. Then I turned 18 and I was raped. It was a friend of my ex-boyfriend, he did quite a number on me, I never told anyone that either, not until much later in my life. After the rape I once again became promiscuous. My motto was, better to give myself to them than for them to take it forcefully. I didn’t care what happened to me. Deep down I must have cared a little bit, because I always insisted that they use a condom. Still, condoms break, I was lucky.
I met my husband when I was 19 ½ years old, he changed my life. He never pushed me into anything, he was content just holding my hand, he became my best friend, and he still is today. Because of my hubby I have been able to “deal” with some of the things from my past, it’s still there, but I have a handle on it. I think the worst thing for me was the fact that my childhood molester was female, I couldn’t understand, even back then, why she would do that to me. I was never confused about my sexual orientation, it made me angry, hurt, scared that she would do this terrible thing to me. I think that I would have found it easier to tell someone about the abuse had my abuser been male, does that make any sense? The fact that she’s female made me ashamed, even though I didn’t instigate or willing participate in the abuse. I can’t explain this the way I need to, I hope you all can understand what I’m trying to say.
Anyway, there it is. A bit of background on me. I can’t believe that I’m actually considering posting this. I guess I’m ready to tell my story, and I’ve chosen to tell it to all of you. Please don’t think of me differently, I’m still the same person, not unlike the rest of you, we all have things in our past, I just feel the need to share mine with you.
I’m scared, should I post it? Oh well, here it goes. I hope you all understand.
I know that this is a healing step, but it still feels so weird, I never intended to let this out, I don't know why I felt compelled to do it. I've been shaky all day. It helps that you are all here, it helps to hear that you're all still beside me. I hope it will get easier, I just don't know, this is 32 years of pain that I let out in a matter of minutes, maybe that's why I'm shaking, it didn't take long to write that post, I just let my emotions out on the page, it was almost to quick, it's scary. Am I making sense?
I can still smile and joke, you have all just let me be me. It does help to talk about it, there's still allot to say, but it's just all surreal to me, I can't believe that I did it.
I understand.
I bet there is a lot more to say and if and when you feel up to it, we will all still be here.
Everything is ok Alty, you just keep going and feel good about this post. 32 years of pain you said it all right there. Isn't it just time love?
Yes, it is time, long past due actually. I think it's hard because I've worked so hard to keep it in all this time, and today it just came pouring out. It's almost to much. It's weird, I'm feeling so many emotions right now, relief, fear, pain, scared, you name it, it's there, I didn't think it would be this hard, or this easy.
There are some things I will never disclose (at least I don't think so) I don't want those images in anyone's head, if I could get them out of mine I would. If I did get to that point I'd have to put a disclosure on this thread.
I'm taking it one minute at a time, one foot in front of the other, it's just still a bit new today, tomorrow will be better, I hope.
Thanks again to all of you, I wouldn't have gotten here without you, I'm glad I did it, and I'm not glad I did it, I'm everything today. Well, what did you expect, I'm a woman, we change our minds every minute.
I read this and I was wowed by your strength. You not only built a great life for yourself, you were also able to post this for so many to see and learn from.
I actually have my own incident that I don't think about much and only remembered after reading this. It's nowhere near as devastating as what you went through but it made me lose trust.
My dad was doing some computer work for an elderly couple as he had done several times in the past. This couple had become almost like grandparents to me as all of mine were gone before I was 5. One day, maybe I was 9 or 10, not sure, I was alone with the man in the living room and he started to put his hand down the back of my pants. He didn't get very far before I freaked and immediately went into the computer room and told my dad. Dad immediately said something to him but after that I was so scared of him. I haven't seen him in years but I know I'd still be uncomfortable if I saw him.
So more power to you, Altenweg, and hopefully your story will inspire other women to tell theirs. You will get through all of this. Things like this are difficult to tell, no matter how long it has been, but as everyone has been saying, it's the first step to healing. Good luck to you in that process and we are all here for you.
Thank you so much Blondie, I'm sorry to hear about your incident, thank God your Dad was there. I also know, from your other post, that Scott Gem is your Dad, you are very lucky to have such a kind caring father, always trust in him, he'd give his life for you.
I wish I could say that I wrote this to inspire others, it really wasn't that noble, I did it to find some peace within myself. Twenty, twenty hindsight, if it helps someone else or lets someone else realize that they aren't alone then I'll be glad, maybe the pain I'm still feeling will be worth it somehow.
Blondie - My kids are also without grandparents, mine both died in 2001, my husbands Dad died when he was 16, and his mother last March. My kids are 5 and 9. Just like your Dad would for you, I would die for my kids. I hope and pray that they can avoid anything like this. I would go through it all again, every day of my life if that would prevent it from touching my children's lives.
Thank you for your kind words, all of you, it really does help, I can't tell you how much.
I agree with everyone else.
It had to take a lot to put this on here.
I believe that talking about it really is the only way to sort out feelings.
I too worry about my children.
Some people don't agree with me, but I flat out tell my children about the evil in this world.
I also instill in their brains that they have a voice and that their voice matters -
they exercises that right too lol
I hope that by you posting your story, a bit of weight was lifted off your shoulders.
From your posts, I can tell that your a good mom and an extremely caring person.
You're strong and smart and I just know you'll figure this all out.
I'm glad you're not keeping it all bottled up anymore
Thank you AKAtrue - I do tell my kids about the bad things that can happen, not specifically, but in a way that their young minds can handle. I don't think that I'll ever be able to handle telling them what happened to me, not even when they are older, it would be to hard.
I'm glad it's out, I do feel like a weight has been lifted, at least slightly. I still have allot to deal with, that's what happens when you keep things in, but I think I've finally found the path that will help me get through this.
Thank you for your kind words, I'm an okay mom, goodness knows I make mistakes, just like everyone, no one is perfect. I just hope that my mistakes are minor and that, because of my experiences, I will be able to recognize the signs if anything is going on with my kids. My parents didn't, it wasn't their fault, and I didn't tell. If I had I know that my parents would have done anything in their power to not only stop my cousin, but get me the help that I needed, and still need.
I'm still a bit weepy, but I'm able to post now without crying, so that's a small step. Maybe it's because there aren't any tears left.
I feel the same way, I feel so ashamed of the abuse I got from a female family member, but the abuse I got from a male family member was okay to tell, of course not that okay but no huge shame as from a female.
No one I was able to tell about that female, she was young as well,
A lot of women both on and off here have faced some scary times and I wish anyone who faced these things had the courage to talk about it like we have. Thanks for the greenie Startover but it was just the first thing I thought to do. I think my message to women who face "mild" incidents like mine and much more heinous ones like Altenweg's is tell someone right away or as soon as you remember, even if it is family or people considered to be family. It's never your fault, people like to take advantage of those more vulnerable.
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