I need help to stop being selfish. I am/was (not sure) in a relationship where I have acted consistently selfishly for nearly two years. I do not want to be selfish. I want to help my girlfriend and make up for the things I have done that have hurt her. A few months ago she told me some things that I could do to help her get over some things I had done in the past. I started on some of them, but I did not really follow through on all of them. Just today (after we had a massive fight last night) did I finally do the last thing she had told me. She is an EXTREMELY busy person (too many classes at a hard university, too many extracurricular activities) and she has recently been sick a LOT. Due to this I thought it was a good idea for me to spend a lot of time working around the apartment, helping her with schoolwork, doing her laundry, doing whatever I can to reduce her workload, so much to the point that I have used that as an excuse for why I did not do the things she asked of me. At the time I really thought that I was helping her, but now after reflecting on it I realize that I was being selfish. The things that she wanted me to do had the potential to uncover facts that I do not know about a very bad night, and to be honest I was terrified of what might be uncovered, and did not want to risk losing her. So instead I fill my time with other tasks which I could say were helping her, like I was putting a lot of energy into the relationship, but really all I was doing was avoiding the things she needed me to do. Again, I do not want to be selfish, but I was completely able to convince myself that I was doing the right thing. How can I stop this cycle? Obviously when she tells me she needs me to do something, I will do it, but the problem extends past just this one example into all aspects of our relationship. Does anyone have any advice, or know of any resources that can help me to stop thinking of myself first (even subconsciously)?

Thanks for any help!

Selfishahole

A lot of people would disagree with this answer, however after trying for eleven years to make my relationship/marriage work and now currently going through divorce.I have come to the conclusion that if a relationship is right between two people then it comes naturally you should not have to try!

I am now in a relationship with a man whereby we just enjoy we both work hectic lives with responsible jobs i.e. both senior management , two children house blah blah blah and it is easy our relationship and home life just flows. Whereas previously my ex husband and I used to break our backs in an attempt to please or lighten the load . Stop trying so hard! Maybe your partners concerns are purely her venting her stress of the day , exams on the way etc etc.

Well selfishahole, I can tell you I sure like the name you picked for yourself, although I am highly doubtful it is a right fit for you.

All the things you are describing that you are doing in your post, are not by any means, considered selfish acts. You are aware of things that need to be taken care of and since she is busy, you are taking care of them. You are doing a number of things that are actually considered very UNselfish.

I really don't think selfishness is so much the problem here as avoidance is.

I have pulled out part of your posting because I think this is where we need to focus our energies.

I am now renaming you avoidanceahole. Okay with you? Please take a look at this link:

Procrastination--UIUC Counseling Center

After reading through it, tell me if I am wrong at pinpointing what your problem is. Whether I am right or not, can you talk to me about what exactly you are terrified about. If you are uncomfortable with being specific, can you think of something that is the equivalent to the problem the two of you are having, to use as an example. I will do my best to help you with this. Don't let my crazy monkey face or hair, scare you away. I can be a pretty smart monkey when I put my mind to it.

The path to becoming completely selfless isn’t short or easy. Each day I have to wake up and recommit myself to break the habits of selfishness. I must ask myself “Am I acting selflessly in order to achieve a selfish goal?” i.e. Am I faking kindness while inside beats a self centered heart?

The best example to follow is the life of Jesus. He spent His life as a servant. Being humble and loving is an easy recipe for curing the selfish mind. Ask the question: Who do you love the most? Find the answer in your time, thoughts, efforts and energy. What are you willing to sacrifice? A man can easily spend money on a lady. But can he lay down his pride, become honest and sincere? These things come at a greater cost and hold a higher value to anyone you love.

I hope you your eyes open to the worlds that revolve around other people.

BC

It is impossible to be selfless.
Hey A-hole, you just need to be able to honestly see what your motivation is for doing what you do. For example:Are you cleaning up because you feel like it will keep some stress off your woman, or are you cleaning up because you think she will be more inclined to give up the nookie later? That is just an example.
You lost me quite a bit in your post. What do you feel you will uncover from "that night"? If you were selfish for two years straight, I really don't think you can patch that up. You also don't sound certain that you are still in a relationship, so does it feel like you two are just roommates now and maybe it has come to an end?

Thanks very much to those of you who have responded. Perhaps those of you who think maybe our relationship just is not right are correct. Sometimes I wonder if by being a dumbass in the past I have just created so many sensative topics for us that we can never really avoid it all or feel comfortable with each other.

Many of you wondered what I might "uncover." I was intentionally vague but I guess I may as well just say it. The bad night was a night when I cheated on her. I'm sure you can interpret why I don't know everything and might "uncover" things. The few memories that I do have indicate that I was very much taken advantage of, so I guess what I'm scared of finding out is that I wasn't. All excuses to the side it has obviously been very damaging for our relationship.

Ruby, thanks you are right, the things I was doing that were helping her out were not selfish. Also, they were NOT AT ALL motivated by getting her to "give up the nookie later" as pumibel put it. I genuinely wanted to help her. You are right that I have an avoidance problem, but is my avoidance not inherently selfish? If it would be in her best interest to do it, and I don't want to do it so I avoid doing it, is that not selfish? You are right though that I need to separate the actions of helping her out from the inaction of not doing what she needed me to.

We are technically "broken up" as of right now, but we are still trying to work through things, with the hope of getting back together, so I guess it does sort of feel like we are just roommates now. Our relationship is pretty messed up at this point, but we still love each other very much, I want her to be happy SOOO badly, and the thought of throwing away all this time and effort we have both made is terrible, so I really want to work at it.

I could go through a whole laundry list of other stuff I've done to hurt her, and as a reaction some things she has done to hurt me. I think I'm rambling now, but if anyone has any other further advice I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks,

Just an a-hole

Well, now you are confusing me by the name change, but that's okay. I will make an effort to deal with it a-hole.

Look, you obviously are a guy who is self aware. Always a good thing in my book. I am not quite clear on what it is that she wants you to do. Are you talking about getting tested for STDs? Is she fearful that you might have contracted something, such as AIDS and passed it along to her?

If this is the case, still avoidance. Add onto that, being scared sh**less. Then you can tack on selfish. So, now you have 3 personality flaws instead of just one. I don't know how long it has been since you took your misstep by getting drunk, high or both and wound up in the sack with someone else. But, you need to man-up and find out if you are disease free, if that is indeed the issue here. Not just for her, for yourself. Most STDs can be cured. Some, like AIDs, are managed well enough now with drugs. New drugs are coming out every day. People are living long lives with this disease. A cure is very close at hand. I am not suggesting you definitely have it. You probably don't and are being a very nervousahole, as most of us would be. But, personally, I couldn't live my life without having a concrete answer. The earlier you find out, the easier it becomes to treat and manage, if you have it, which, as I stated, you probably don't. Waiting too long is not in your best interest. I have lost friends to this terrible disease. One of my brothers has it. He was smart, he found out early and is managing it with drugs. He has been living with it for at least 10 years. He is in a loving relationship and is doing quite well.

If I am wrong, and this is not it, then my friend a-hole, I am still lost as to what the problem is. But, your insistence on continuing to analyze this and coming to the conclusion that you are a selfishahole, is not very productive, and is, in the end still avoidance to whatever problem it actually is. So, I will play this game with you my friend if you still insist. YES, you are a selfishahole. Okay? Happy now? Good. Let's move onto how you can constructively move past this problem instead of just analyzing whether you are a selfishahole or not.

I would suggest that you find a counselor. I don't know where a-holes live so I can't give you a link that would help you. So, pick up your regional yellow pages. There is a section somewhere in the front that should give you a list of Helpful Numbers. Look at the listings under Family Support Services. There should be a few numbers for counseling centers under there. Pick up the phone and call one. Schedule an appointment. Don't argue with me, just do it. No more avoiding, my friend a-hole. You need an objective 3rd party to help you figure out why you are doing what you are doing, and give you the help you need to overcome whatever problem you are having, even if it is getting tested for an STD. If you are at all interested in salvaging your relationship with your girlfriend, if you at all interested in not spending the rest of your life allowing your guilt to eat away at you, if you are at all interested in how to overcome being a selfishahole, then you need to make that call and schedule an appointment.

And, you need to stop by here and let me know how you are doing. I will not allow you to be an avoidancehole with me too! ;)

Make the call.

The nookie thing was genuinely an example, not related to what you were talking about. I was trying to come up with a way to illustrate motivation in this sense. You had stated that you were trying to help her out. Here is a quote:

I thought it was a good idea for me to spend a lot of time working around the apartment, helping her with schoolwork, doing her laundry, doing whatever I can to reduce her workload, so much to the point that I have used that as an excuse for why I did not do the things she asked of me. At the time I really thought that I was helping her, but now after reflecting on it I realize that I was being selfish.

I do not see selfishness in these actions at all because your motivation is not for your own
Gain. Now, knowing that you have some guilt issues, perhaps there was some of that, but if you were just trying to help, even if it was the wrong way to help, you were not being selfish at all.

So is the question you are asking the right one? Do you need help to stop being selfish? Probably not. You probably need to do some soul searching of some kind. Maybe you need to accept that you cheated on your woman.

I feel bad for you if you were not in control of yourself due to drugs or alcohol because if you were a woman we would all be in agreement that you were raped. In a sexual assault workshop I attended we discussed what "consent" was, and intoxification is not consistent with consent. This is perhaps where you need to come to terms.

I highly suggest a book by Kelly Bryson titled, "Don't Be Nice, Be Real". In it, Bryson differentiates between what we calls "Big S" Selfish and "little s" selfish.

Big S Selfish takes into account the big picture, whereby we recognize that none of us can truly meet our needs at the expense of another (including ourselves).

Little s selfish comes from a more limited view, wherein we actually think we can meet our needs at someone else's expense.

Great book, might help you have a framework from which to proceed.

I loved this person, she went away. She left never came back, she was a good friend and I loved her, I talked to her friend and I liked him, he was nice. We talked about her.
He said I was selfish, because he thought I liked him because he though I wanted only to talk about kat and nothing else. Only her, its not true, am I that selfish?