My sister is now in her thirties. She has suffered from depression, anxiety, and other issues since she was in high school. She is extremely intelligent, artistic and book smart but has difficulty dealing with day to day issues. She has never been diagnosed and doesn't stick with traditional therapy or medication. She is so well read on antidepressants, that she refuses to take them based on their possible side effects. She tried to committ suicide a few years ago and for awhile after she was ok. She cannot keep or make friends, make decisions, hold a job, decide where to live or what to do and is basically immobilized. She overanalyzes situations to the point of becoming overly sensitive to anxious, to downright depressed. She is married but not happily. She has a two year old and he is the one thing that keeps her going. Ironically, she is an incredible mother.
She checked herself into a mental hospital over the weekend while I was out of town. She doesn't have insurance so she wasn't able to get treatment right away. She checked out on Monday and my mother picked her up feeling very frustrated and saddened that they couldn't help her. My mom is wondering if we should put her into a private facility that would be able to evaluate her, diagnose her and medicate her properly. She realizes that it will cost thousands a day, and that she will have to put it on her credit card. We are having a difficult time finding the right place for her to go. I told my mom I will leave work and take care of my nephew until she is better. Her husband doesn't make enough to take off and there are other issues with him as well.

How do we go about finding the right place? How do we handle this? I have said in the past that I think she has Asperger's Syndrome ( a form of autism) although she has never had a doctor tell her that. I have spoke with specialists and her childhood and behavior resemble my sister almost perfectly. My father thinks she has early symptoms of schizophrenia. I don't think that is what she has but no one knows.

WHAT DO WE DO?? She is very indecisive and becomes combative and argumentative easily. We don't want to scare her, we want to help her. I think she is asking for help if she went and checked herself in somewhere. However, she tends to withdraw from us and then it is difficult to get her to do what we want or think she needs. HELP!!!! I am so scared and sad and worried and feel so helpless, my mother is a wreck. She has been seeing a therapist on how to handle my sister and how to respond to her. She has stopped taking care of her financially because he thinks we have rendered her helpless and created a sense of dependency but with this, if we don't help her, then she may continue to spiral into a place that we cannot pull her out of!! HELP!!!!!

METERRE

However you do seem to have it more together than me and that your sister and that most people out there. You recognize you are a worthy person and fight everyday to keep it that way. Or so you say...which i do wish i could do that better. Ok so maybe i have also achieved keeping it together in some ways, but it still doesn't take away that it's hard. Just like anything else.
See you do have lots of wisdom and therefore i appreciate you sharing it with me and everyone. You also have gone through things...you're the one who doesn't want to give yourself enough credit i think.
Anyway very true we all suffer and want to be loved, i sure know i'm not the only one. I really hope you keep getting up off the floor whenever you feel down. You do deserve it. And don't mention it, i do care for you as well as many others who read this and reply.
Happy Valentines Day. Enjoy it.

shatteredsoul

I guess maybe I don't like to give myself credit because then I feel I look self righteous and like I am condascending. I don't want to be that way. I just want to be a good person. I like to be validated by others and maybe sometimes too much, yet I think I realize the real validation has to come from me. That is hard for me but I do think I have the ability to survive through the rough times. I think there is already many people on here that don't respond or say anything to me because they don't like what I HAVE TO SAY or they don't like me. That's fine I just think its stupid. This place has cliques like everywhere else. Just when you think you can talk and share with anyone, you realize that isn't the case. People can be flat out rude but I still come here pouring my heart and soul. I have so many things to say about it, but really, what's the point?? People I think enjoy being cruel and exclusive and it doesn't matter how good of a person you are. It doesn't matter how much wisdom I may have or how much pain I may be going through. There are a few good people who reach out and the rest act like they are in their own world. My sister endured this her whole life with people excluding her and making her feel like an outcast. People can be so cruel and they were, she was affected so much by that. It's sad to see that grown ups can be just the same. I hope you had a Happy Valentine's Day!!!! I am thankful for all who read and reply, I really am.
My sister is an amazing person with a lot of talent, intelligence and gifts, she just doesn't know it yet. I am aware of my gifts, I just try to be humble....
Meterre, are you aware of your gifts?? I think you have many and your strengths are many....we are more alike than different... I believe.. xoxoXOXXO my friend.

startover22

Gosh Shattered, your last post here, well, it makes me thing that we are all different...
Remember the golden rule love, "Value Our Differences"
I know you do, but some others find it very hard to think outside of their own. So I suppose that is what your sister has to learn to make it here. I have never looked at Shattered in the mean way, I don't see you as a uppity person, I always thought your words were kind and very very thought out! So if there is one person who cares, I think you are it!! Your sister.... Shattered, she is lucky to have you all standing by her side....but i am not sure luck is what she needs. It is obvious that you all care for her and do it deeply. Maybe that sense of security isn't so good for someone who refuses to see the light. This is a matter of life or death in some cases, you have seen it and I am sure she has too.......
She has got to get this! Maybe a little family meeting is in order. Have you guys ever gotten together all of you? And been very stern with her and told her the truth about what has been happening? I am sorry if I missed that somewhere in here! Or just the three of you get together and make a pact between yourselves not to help her anymore. Sheesh, it is so much easier to say this than to do it, I am thinking to myself right now if i could do it.....not sure if I could! Let us know how it's going. And I wish your sister the best !

shatteredsoul

OHHH Ms. START!!! I miss your wonderful advice and suggestions.. they are always thoughtful and compassionate. Yes, you make a good point. I feel I value others, their differences and their outlooks, whether they are the polar opposite of me or if they are exactly like mine.. I don't always feel its a two way street. Not always is that reciprocated. Yes, an intervention has been attempted before, if thats what you meant. It didn't turn out so good. Her emotions go into high gear, she gets overly sensitive and then VERY ANGRY..She actually has been ok at my dads. Its kind of like she needs both parents to take over and reteach her the life skills needed to survive. HOWEVER that won't ever happen. My dad would always and will always try to be there for her, let her live with him or me, if it was needed. My mom feels that is unhealthy for her to let my sister stay with her.Their relationship is very codependent and she often acts like a teenager with my mom.
my sisters life sadly resembles so many other lost and troubled souls who just can't seem to change or get out of the rutt they are in . I believe some of her immobility is self induced by laziness and negative thinking, some of it is due to being depressed and anxious over EVERYTHING!!! The part that is so frustrating is that she is wasting her precious life on hating herself, and not making any decisions.
I think if she comes back and moves back with her husband, we should cease all support. He wants to take her back to his country.. which means we wouldn't probably ever see her or my nephew again. He is from Tunesia and he wants her to meet his family. I think he wants her there so he can have his son and in that country, he will have more rights to keep him. She doesn't even understand that!!!!!! Why would she want to be with someone who is lazy, abusive and downright rude to our family. He expects us to support them and when my mom stopped giving them money, he called her some foul names. I also think my sister married him out of a rebellious reaction to our family, who is by nature quite conservative and Catholic. She married a guy who doesn't want her son to know about Jesus. IT isn't our place to say what they should believe or practice, but our half of the family and our beliefs are just as important as his. Its so complicated but START, the bottom line is, if she wants to be with him, we cannot do another THING to help her.
I wish she would get her priorities straight and just start a job, somewhere, and put some money away. OR go back to school, or SOMETHING!!!!!!!!! I thought that is why she went to stay with my dad, to get her sh!t together. Why she hasn't done anything, I don't know. My dad has never been one to baby us. WE were never treated like "Daddy's little girls" or princesses, it just didn't happen. We were taught to be strong, respectful and well mannered at all times. We also had to learn how to shovel snow, chop wood and pitch tents by the time I was 11. I think I got more of his toughness than she did, maybe cuz I was the oldest. They always saw her as "DIFFERENT" and she was.. but she always was a happy kid.. it was after my parents divorced a few years, when she was a teenager that she started retreating to her room for hours, slept constantly and seemed very aloof. My mom didn't know how to respond so she gave her space, my dad blames her for that because by this time we lived with her. HE thought my mom created a bigger sense of dependency in my sister and that she didn't force her to be responsible enough. Lord knows I had to be responsible, regardless. OH well, I was trying to give you a little more perspective.
BOTTOM LINE, she has to see that she needs help, she has to want it and she has to follow through with it.. until then we are watching a sinking ship.. Us telling her, wanting it for her, trying to help her, it is a futile effort. Maybe if she does decide to go back to the husband, we can all cut our ties with her to make a united effort to show we aren't supporting that decision.
The things I mentioned about being exclusive and cruel.. well that's another story.. and I probably shouldn't have gone off on that tangent right here right now...
I love you start, let's have a good talk!!! It has been awhile.

startover22

Wow, Shattered, this all just blows my mind, how you have found reasons for your sisters behavior, how you have determined what is right and wrong for her. I mean ya, there are the common sense right and wrongs, but let me ask you something.....
Lets turn the tables a second, (only cause they got turned on me the other night and made me think..LOL) So let's say you went and left your kids for three days straight, came back all hung over but acted like nothing happened...OK TO EVERYONE, this is a senario...Shatered has never and would never do this...
But lets say you did, and people were talking about you, picked you apart, started seeing everything that was wrong with you in their eyes, although some may be true, but now, you feel as if there is no return because all of this has been said in the open, the only real way to improve is to start on the good, but now you are so focussed on the bad that it stops you from doing anything at all. Not sure if that made much sense, i need to re-read it ..heehee, but really what i am trying to say, I know you Shattered and you put more time into thinking on issues than i do EVER, so the longer we think about things, the more we find out, and so now it comes down to picking our battles and if she does things differently then so be it. It is her life, and as I see it you and your dad have made it your responsibility to try and change it. I feel it is high time, just like i said way back when to stop, and let her make her mistakes. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, it is only my opinion, although with all of your heart and good intentions, she is gonna be who she is until SHE decides otherwise. I love yuo and wish you well with this whole thing, I can only imagine how hard it is to watch her make these decisions and not be able to do anything about it because you know she will may dearly for them later.

shatteredsoul

I agree start... letting go is so hard when you love someone but sometimes it is the most necessary and helpful thing to do... telling the brain is easy, telling my heart, well that is another.
I do know eexactly what you are saying, we need to stop being the hero and let her fall, even if its the worst possible scenarios when she does. Right??

startover22

Yes, but it sounds so awful. I agree that the tough love should come in to play here. I also agree on the part where you just need to help in a crisis situation. Oh my goodness i am hungry, you wanna go get some lunch and talk? LOL.....
I have to say that telling you to do something, and me doing it are totally different, I wouldn't be able to cut the ties with my sister, I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to, I would want to, to see if she can get it right, but I suppose I would want to help her. See how confusing it can be
I am telling you what I would want you to do but also telling you what I would never be able to do too! Sorry for the confusion. So we all know that it would be good to let her make her own mistakes, unless, UNLESS there is that tiny possibility we can save her, and that sweet friend is what we all hang on to....the possibility!

startover22

So Shattered, knowing that you may not be able to cut the ties with your sister, which ties should we untie? How about the place to live, and the money. Just start there, and see how it unfolds! If we are honest and tell ourselves what we are really willing to do in a situation and what we can let go of, then maybe there there is a chance that you can be healthy in the way you deal with her!!??

startover22

Shattered has extended her PM quantity and she needs to remove old PM's. LOL

METERRE

You both have very good perspectives...amazing to me as i can merely give my point of view. Right now i have so many things on my mind i cannot even think of any perspective. Other than she really needs to wake up and look at what she's doing. Good to see you around SHATTERED and START. Oh by the way yes i think you Shattered need to clean up a few of your PM's. Been trying to atleast drop you a line but never can.