[Outtaluck]

I'm almost 36 years old, a stay at home mother of four girls ages 4-10 and have been with my husband since we started dating when I was fourteen (married for 13 years). I have absolutely no interest at all in sex anymore. In fact at times, when my husband comes on to me, I'm repulsed and feel angry towards him. We've had problems in our marriage, but even then I still felt like a sexual being. Now I feel like part of me has died. When we were first married my husband was the one with the low libido and I felt rejected sometimes. I know he isn't dealing with this well and it just makes our difficulties with each other worse. My doctor put me on Welbutrin, even though I'm not really depressed, just tired all the time. I've tried every kind of birth control and nothing has changed regarding my level of sexual desire. I fake an interest in sex once in awhile just to please my husband, but that makes me feel like a liar. I don't even get turned on looking at Playgirl or some hot guy jogging and have trouble having orgasms if I masturbate. I'm considering a divorce just because I'm starting to think I'll never be happy with him again. I want my old self back. I used to be the one to initiate sex and be adventurous. Now I just want to go to sleep or read. Can a lack of romance and good communication in your marriage destroy this part of you? Before when I would be frustrated with my relationship with my husband, I at least felt desire for him. Now I'm starting to resent him wanting sex. I don't want it to be just another one of my "jobs", like doing the laundry, but that's how it feels right now. He won't go to counseling because he doesn't think it's his problem.

[Krs]

Hi Outtaluck,

From what I read about you, you do seem to be busy, a mother of 4 girls must be very tiring and at the ages they are, its not joke. I believe this has a lot to do with your sexual drive. You are busy and don't have time for yourself and your husband.

Divorcing your husband would be one of the biggest mistakes, esp if this is the only reason why!

I think you should STOP taking Welbutrin... you are not depressed!
You need to seek marriage counselling. And I also think that you and your husband need time alone.

Can you find some relatives to look after your girls for a long weekend?
That way you and your husband can get quality time to spend together and you never know, being alone with him in new and different surroundings may spark your libido up, don't you think?
Have you ever consider this and marriage counselling?

[Stormy69]

Hi there,
Boy can I relate! Also 36 also with 4 kids and now a grandchild.
First of all let me tell you that the welbutrin is a major contributor to your issues as far as not being able to achieve orgasm, Been there done that.. One of the side effects is sexual disfunction.
Let me try to shed a little light for you, see if anything I say rings true,
You feel overwhelmed by the kids?
You may be harboring some deep resentment toward your husband over past issues, i.e."In fact at times, when my husband comes on to me, I'm repulsed and feel angry towards him. We've had problems in our marriage,"
Perhaps so deep you are not even aware of what it is?
You feel guilty for putting on the act of interest, when deep down inside you would really like to tell your husband that you just are not in the mood, but do not for fear of hurting him?
The feelings of rejection you once felt, you wish to spare him of?
You my dear are in a rut, just like I was... Days turn into weeks, weeks become months... and so on.. When it feels like it has become a chore, it's something you wish to put off.. JUST like the laundry..
I suggest you get off the welbutrin( I don't like the fact Dr's just stick us on that stuff for a " cure all")Perhaps you are truly suffering from depression.. heck I was, but my depression came from an unhappy sex life and no desire.. Welbutrin made that issue worse.
Perhaps if you went to counseling alone and was able to talk one on one with someone to really address the underlying issues, it might help. At least help you find ways to communicate with your husband. It is very import to talk to him and express your feelings. This isn't just going to go away on it's own. If you still feel any kind of love for him, Your marriage is worth saving.
It may also help to set aside one night a week with no kids, even if it just locking yourself in your room and lighting some candles, Set the mood like you would like to have HIM set it for you. Turn YOURSELF on first.. Not with your body, but with your mind. Try to remember when you first fell in love, what was it about him that made you desire him.. Go back and search for those old lost feelings, talk with him about " the good old days" before the kids, This really helps remind you why you fell in love and can help rekindle that old tingle.
Hold hands with him, look him in the eyes and softly tell him what you are feeling. If you do this without accusations, or making him feel like it is his fault, it will bring you closer and open the door for communication to begin to flow.
Start with.. " I feel" Or "lately I have been feeling" avoid words like.. "You don't".. Tell him you love him and you are missing that romance, that spark the two of you had back then.
I hope this helps.. good luck to you sweetie. I know what it feels like, having been there myself.

[fredg]

Hi,
You really, really have some great answers!
Here is a link to Welbutrin, if you wish to read about it, and some of the side effects:
http://www.anxiety-and-depression-so.../welbutrin.htm
This particular site says it is rare, but possible, that it can lead to a decreased sex drive. Personally, I would talk with your Doctor again about it, but it sounds like you really don't need an anti-depressant.
I second the answer about Marriage Counseling. Your husband said he wouldn't go, cause he says he is not the problem. He should go with you because in a good marriage, it takes both to be supportive, compromise, trusting, and wanting the other to be happy.
After 29 yrs now of marriage, I wouldn't want it any other way. If he won't go with you, then go by yourself.
Another suggestion made, which I really agree with, is that you and he need to take some time off; away from the children. Maybe just for a weekend, every now and then. You need a BREAK!
Get away from the normal "day-in and day-out" life, and make some time just for the both of you. I do wish you the best.

[talaniman]

Whether your husband goes with you or not counseling could benefit you, and an honest talk with your doctor may be neeeded to have your medication changed!

[valinors_sorrow]

You would be amazed at the problems marriage counseling can fix, even if you go it alone. Please start there and soon, you don't deserve to feel this way.

I checked around and found a professional and then said something like this to my husband over dinner: "I really sense myself as being very off these days. Something is not right, I don't know what it is or even who it is but I really need to change how it is. I am going to make an appointment with _________ (explain who that is) and try some counseling. Because I care about our marriage, I am inviting you too. Would you please come with me? I need your help on this."

It was neutral enough talk that he agreed to come with me. If he had not, I would have gone alone. Thanks for posting and if you have more questions, please post again.

[Outtaluck]

Wow, thanks for all the suggestions and understanding! My husband and I did take a trip recently. He was gone during the day at seminars so I had time just to myself and it was so great! I got to eat when I wanted to, sleep when I felt like it, watch what I wanted on TV and even spent an entire afternoon at the library and read a whole book from start to finish in one sitting (something I used to do all the time before children). When we got to spend time together in the evening it was almost awkward for me to be with him. I have been to counseling on my own, at least three different times during our marriage, but I always end up quitting because it gets expensive. I guess sometimes I feel like I'm in this by myself, that everything falls on me, whether the house is clean, the kids are fighting etc. I do agree that we need to work on our issues together. I'm just having trouble finding a way to do that when he doesn't think we need counseling together. I will talk to my doctor about the Welbutrin. She prescribed it mainly because I was feeling drained all the time and she mentioned something where you are physiologically depressed, but not mentally. (She did bloodwork to rule out any illnesses.) I will take all your insight to heart. I'm relieved to hear that some of you have also had this problem and have found a remedy for it. In a society where everything is so sexualized it really is a downer to feel anything but sexual. I will try some of your ideas and let you know how it goes.

[Krs]

RickJ its happeninin again.
As you see I'm subscribed to this thread and its not appearing on my profile!

[Chery]

Hi there,
Boy can I relate! also 36 also with 4 kids and now a grandchild.
First of all let me tell you that the welbutrin is a major contributor to your issues as far as not being able to achieve orgasm, Been there done that.. One of the side effects is sexual disfunction.
Let me try to shed a little light for you, see if anything I say rings true,
You feel overwhelmed by the kids?
You may be harboring some deep resentment toward your husband over past issues, i.e."In fact at times, when my husband comes on to me, I'm repulsed and feel angry towards him. We've had problems in our marriage,"
Perhaps so deep you are not even aware of what it is?
You feel guilty for putting on the act of interest, when deep down inside you would really like to tell your husband that you just are not in the mood, but do not for fear of hurting him?
The feelings of rejection you once felt, you wish to spare him of?
You my dear are in a rut, just like I was....Days turn into weeks, weeks become months... and so on.. When it feels like it has become a chore, it's something you wish to put off.. JUST like the laundry..
I suggest you get off the welbutrin( I don't like the fact Dr's just stick us on that stuff for a " cure all")Perhaps you are truly suffering from depression.. heck I was, but my depression came from an unhappy sex life and no desire.. Welbutrin made that issue worse.
Perhaps if you went to counseling alone and was able to talk one on one with someone to really address the underlying issues, it might help. At least help you find ways to communicate with your husband. It is very import to talk to him and express your feelings. This isn't just going to go away on it's own. If you still feel any kind of love for him, Your marriage is worth saving.
It may also help to set aside one night a week with no kids, even if it just locking yourself in your room and lighting some candles, Set the mood like you would like to have HIM set it for you. Turn YOURSELF on first.. Not with your body, but with your mind. Try to remember when you first fell in love, what was it about him that made you desire him.. Go back and search for those old lost feelings, talk with him about " the good old days" before the kids,, This really helps remind you why you fell in love and can help rekindle that old tingle.
Hold hands with him, look him in the eyes and softly tell him what you are feeling. If you do this without accusations, or making him feel like it is his fault, it will bring you closer and open the door for communication to begin to flow.
Start with.. " I feel" Or "lately I have been feeling" avoid words like.. "You don't".. Tell him you love him and you are missing that romance, that spark the two of you had back then.
I hope this helps.. good luck to you sweetie. I know what it feels like, having been there myself.

Superbly put Stormy69!

Dear Outtaluck, you've gotten good advice here and I hope you take some of it to heart.

It's OK to go to therapy alone, and later when the therapist has worked with you, he/she will most likely want to talk to your husband, so keep him informed of your progress and let him know that you will count on him to support you in your effort.

Good luck, and please stay on with us and also keep us posted.

It's great that you had the opportunity to spend some time doing some things you love by yourself. You not only needed a break from your hubby, but also from the routines of being a mother of four children. Maybe your husband and you can arrange it so that you get at least one day a month all to yourself - no matter what you plan on doing with it.

[s_cianci]

I doubt that divorce is the answer. From your post it does sound like you could be suffering from a form of depression. Perhaps Welbutrin isn't the answer but some type of drug therapy could be in order. You should consult with your physician, give him or her a complete description of all your symptoms and undergo a complete evaluation. Having 4 kids could have taken its toll on your hormones and your chemical balance. Some trial-and-error may be necessary in order to find the right medication and the right dosage.