[Jane9876]

My boyfriend and I dated for one year together in NYC and we have continued the monogamous relationship for another year coast-to-coast. He took a job in CA, as he was unhappy with his job here, and I gave him my blessing to move there, telling him that if we were meant to be together it would work out (I don't really want to settle down in NY anyway so there was no reason for him to stay here unhappy). I seriously have considered moving to CA but after a year in separate cities am still unsure. He feels I am his soulmate and said he would propose if he knew I was ready. He had an offer to move back to NY, but again, I felt that since neither one of us really wants to settle here (he is from CA, I from MN) it didn't make much sense. I had wanted to move back to MN before I met him to be closer to family and still think about that option (he said he would move there but it would not be ideal for him).

We communicate daily and have had the opportunity to see each other fairly often. We share many similar interests and have fun together... I do love him very much but I am not sure I can say 'soulmate' yet... I am trying to figure out what I am so unsure about. We met online and my instinct is that we are extremely compatible but that perhaps we are lacking in chemistry on some level, if chemistry exists. I am physically attracted to him but have felt more attracted to other partners. On a physical level, I don't think he is doing anything 'wrong,' as far as affection is concerned. I want to kiss him and smoosh his face but don't necessarily have a strong sex drive with him (although I am interested sometimes). Also, we have good conversations but I feel I have a strong interest in philosophy/spirituality that we don't often touch on.

My question is, do you think chemistry is a real phenomenon? And do you think it can build, after two years? I have such a great time with him and he treats me with the upmost respect, so if I felt more on that level this situation would be ideal.

Also, do you think it is better to go on a break from him to sort out my head (yet risk losing him) or move there and try to see if we can develop certain elements (my only concern with that being that if we are still having fun together a few months down the road but I am still unsure about marrying him... what will I do)?

Thank you for your advice!

[joypulv]

Yes I think chemistry is real and can build. I also think that if all else is good, you don't have to have it unless you want it. So it's strictly personal. There could be one element missing from that spark that seems trivial but isn't, so 'all else is good' might be true and yet you crave one little attribute that isn't there.

I'm wondering why you might want to go on a break vs move to CA? How did it get to an either or situation? Can't you sort out your head without drastic measures?
I'm getting the idea that this is a struggle for the simple reason that you like him a lot more than love him. In love, we tend to throw at least a little bit more caution to the wind. There are risks, and you either take them or not based on your heart + practicalities.. like the job market in CA. But if you want to end up in MN someday anyway, why wait? If it doesn't work out, will you pine for NY?

[talaniman]

Maybe you keep things the way they are for now, and see what develops later. Its obvious you are not ready to make a choice right now, and the good news is you don't have to.

[Jane9876]

He is growing impatient with waiting but I think he would be willing to wait a bit longer since he does care about me and us. He is nine years older than me and is anxious to buy a home, get a dog, settle in, etc. He feels the only way for us to see if we can continue to grow together is for us to be in the same city again, and I do kind of see his point on that. If I knew for sure my feelings were not that strong, I would not keep him waiting but since I do care and could potentially see a future with us, I continue to ruminate on this decision. The thought of dating other people and finding that 'chemistry/deep connection' with someone does cross my mind... to an extent I think it is human nature to always wonder if the grass is greener but I also wonder if this means something is missing in my relationship...

[DoulaLC]

Chemistry certainly exists, but it's there on various levels. You may be wanting to know whether what you do feel is enough or is there something more that you may be missing out on.

Some people do feel that they find their soulmates, others feel that there are number of people they could make a wonderful life with.

If you moved to California, what would you lose? Could you find work there? Could there be a compromise that you would be there for a period, see how things develop, and if the two of you decided it was a go, that moving to MN would be an option? Any relationship is a leap of faith to some degree.

If you found that it wasn't enough, that something just wasn't there that you couldn't accept, then you move back.

The grass may sometimes seem greener, but you will still have to mow it...

[vanheart]

Sounds to me like you are aren't really sure about him, regardless of cities.

That's something to really look at & do some serious soul searching over.

I was in a LD for 5 years, coast to coast, always the same struggle. And silly in retrospect. Never really real. And frustrating.

If this is in fact what you want, then eventually you will need to see what its like to actually be together now. Not what it was like in NY.

Otherwise, its unfair to both of you. Who wants to miss someone all the time?

[talaniman]

This is going to sound pretty cold, but you can't make yourself want what someone else wants, but the funny thing about us humans is, we take for granted what we have, and only when we lose it do we miss it.

Then the emotional hell breaks loose trying to get it back. The real question becomes, is he worth taking a risk on? For sure you don't feel the chemistry, at least not at this distance, at this time, but if he does get tired of waiting before you find some chemistry, then that's your loss.

Just my opinion though, you make the best decision you can with the facts you have, and then stand by it, and follow through. If you aren't ready for what he wants, then pass, and don't look back. If he can't wait, then pass any way. There is no shame in not knowing what you want, the shame is giving someone what they want, and its not wanting it as much as they do.

Find out what it is you really want, and don't settle for what someone else wants for themselves, or for YOU.

[vanheart]

I agree w/Tal.

YOU have to know. No one else. I think you already know.

Its easy to get clouded, but, use your gut.

We tend to get ourselves involved & forget (or better yet) understand what we really want. Or who we really like & want to spend time with.

Is he what you want? To commit to? You are both are either all in or not...

Don't waste time on an LD thing. That's just prolonging...