[Wondergirl]

I do respect his wishes.

Good! Problem solved!

[talaniman]

In your defense, your not the first one to be convinced that further discussion may change someone's mind. Everybody does it.

Read the stickies at the beginng of this forum, there is a link in my signature

[yellowjello]

Threads merged


Sometimes even though people move on, they still always remember a particular relationship. It always has a place in their heart, and they fondly look back at old memories reminicing. They talk about special times they had with a smile on their face because they remember how they felt and old feelings come back to them as they remember/relive those memories.

And other times, people move on, but when they look back at a relationship, they remember what happened and nothing more. Its just like a fact to them. They remember this and this and this happened but it doesn't really mean anything to them anymore. They don't really care for it anymore.

It's hard to explain but I know that there is a difference. For example when I look back at certain memories with one of my exs, I feel nothing for them.. its just blah. I just recognize it happened, and if I relive it in my head, it's almost awkward.. to mentally experience that with that person.. since I feel nothing for them.

But my friend, she looks back at memories of her first love, and she smiles. She talks about them very fondly and they still make her feel the way they made her feel when they happened.
She doesn't have feelings for him or anything, she is with someone else and loves the new person.

So what makes some relationships "always stay in your heart" and others not?

[Romefalls19]

Just the feelings you two shared. I mean I have good memories from some relationships but others I just knew too much pain to remember the good things. Some just make you remember how you actually felt loved

[talaniman]

I think its like some songs you really like stay with you, and others just fade away. We all have special memories of good times that were better than others.

[Devorameira]

Memories are a part of who we are. I think if your relationship was pretty casual, the memories wouldn't amount too much, but if you really loved the person, the "fond" memories may come through.

It's perfeccly natural to still think about an ex, after all you shared time together, and these thoughts are all stored in our memory banks. But as long as you realize these memories are only water under the bridge, I don't see any harm in thinking back to previous relationships, after all where would we be without hindsight?

[yellowjello]

Threads merged


Me and my ex were very close and cared about each other a lot. We were in a very serious relationship. We broke up because his feelings changed after it became long distance.

Now, he is over me. He lost interest in me. He doesn't care to talk to me. We aren't close anymore. He doesn't care about me anymore. I'm a nobody to him. He is so cold to me.

I don't understand why. We didn't break up on bad terms. I never did anything wrong to him. The only thing I did do was talk to his friend about how I still want to get back together with him. But I never harassed him or begged or pleaded. I gave him his space and respected that.

Is this all because of that? Because he knows I'm not over him? Or did he genuinely stop caring just because he did. Is this normal?

I don't get how you can just stop caring about someone, not only that but being cold to the point where they're just a nobody to you and it wouldn't matter if they were dead or alive.

That's what hurts the most - the way he feels now. It's not even about the breakup, its about the way he's acting after we broke up.

[Gemini54]

I would not be taking this personally, it's about him, not about you.

Some people just don't know how to respond to the end of a relationship. For them it's better if they act as if that person never existed and then they are able to move into other relationships more easily.

Some people also don't know how to retain a friendship, once the relationship is over. Perhaps their interest dies as well as the emotional connection.

Your ex BF might just be that sort of person.

I'd suggest you stop contacting him or having any expectations of his behavior. There is little point in trying to understand his motives - it just keeps you stuck in the past and wasting your time thinking about him.

See his coldness as a gift - it's giving YOU the chance to move on!

[amicon]

You really need to let this go;you were given some good advice in one of your previous threads,so again,realise that he has moved on,he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

That doesn't mean he hates you,in fact he is doing you a favour by staying away.

And so should you-go no contact and allow yourself to start healing.

[brokenarrow]

I wouldn't take his coldness as a reflection on you at all and not take it personally. Some people just close up, put their walls up and distance themselves from situations emotionally. I don't think you have done anything to make him hate you. He has closed up and dealing with this in his way.

I agree with the others that he is doing you a favour. Believe me, from experience you don't want it the other way around where they lead you on with false hope and you end up back at square one every couple of weeks for over a year.

Take this time to focus on yourself and what you want in life. I found joining new clubs and meeting new people really helped me get over my long serious relationship. The busier I was with friends the less time I had to think about him.

He is thinking about himself right now as should you be. (As hard as that is to do). I know it hurts right now and trying to understand how someone can turn their feelings off - but it gets better everyday - trust me on that. Plus we are here for you too and it's a great outlet.

[myagony1234]

Hi,
You say you guys are broken up, and he is over you.
He has no obligation to catch up with you and be nice to you. You expectation is not reasonable, because you are still in denial and have false hope.
Just accept it and let him go, sweetie!
Please do not make any effort to contact him directly or indirectly. It will only hurts you more.

[sully123]

Don't beat yourself up over this man. Sometimes it's easier for a person, too be cold and distant, it's their way of breaking up. He thinks you will go away. It's not you, stop blaming yourself. For whatever reason it was, he has decided to move on, and that's what you have to do too. Breakups aren't meant to be easy! You just have to look forward and don't look back. Keep yourself busy!

[talaniman]

Check out these sites, and understand that your grief is normal for what you have been through.

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

The Stages Of Grief

[vanheart]

We all go through those feelings of grief when relationships end.

Whether is our first, or most recent one.

What's really important to understand & swallow is that people change.

Period. Its all how we ourselves deal with that change & in turn, change ourselves to be better & more aware.

Memories are memories (the past). What's really important is the now.

[yellowjello]

Thank you for all your responses - I appreciate it. I don't know if I made this clear but I am not trying to get back together with him. I am not in denial of anything. I know he does not want to be with me - caring about someone doesn't mean being in a relationship with them. To be honest I don't see why there is such a dichotomy between being in a relationship and not giving a crap about each other. I don't know where this all or nothing mentality is coming from. I know many people that break up, but still care about each other.

I understand that his coldness may be a favor to me and I'll agree with that to some extent. It will provide me with an opportunity to move on. However contrary to popular belief, it will make moving on more difficult. As I move on, I know what we had will always mean something to me. And knowing it means nothing to him makes it hurt a lot more and makes it a lot more difficult.


On a side note, I'm sorry if the way I talk comes off as blunt... it's just how I talk. I don't really know how to change it lol. But I just want you all to know that I'm not trying to be argumentative or anything... it's just when I talk I'm really to the point.

[Lucky098]

The harder you try, the more he's going to pull away from you.

Whatever you two had going that was special, I'm sure didn't consist of you crying over him every time you thought of him or even talked to him.

You may never get back what once was. You're living too much in the past. You need to live in the NOW. He's changed. You've changed, even though you won't admit it, but I'm sure you have.

You need to let him go... That age old saying.. "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it was truely ment to be.. If it never returns, then it never was ment to be"

It may sound corny, but there is a lot of truth in it.

If you really love him, put distance between you two. He's not going to fall for the girl who is falling all over herself to bring back the past. He's living in the NOW... and, like you said, NOW really sucks.

If you want you're relationship to go back to how it was.. If you want to get him back.. then you need to back off from him. Live your own life. Make yourself happy. Once he sees you being YOU again, he may come back. When that happens, don't live in the past. Live in the future. Don't bring up the past... at least not for a very long time.

Its actually more attractive to see someone standing on their own two feet instead of watching them crumble. Prove to this boy that you are strong! If he loves you, he'll come back to you whole heartedly!

[talaniman]

However contrary to popular belief, it will make moving on more difficult. As I move on, I know what we had will always mean something to me. And knowing it means nothing to him makes it hurt a lot more and makes it a lot more difficult.

That's exactly what NC is about, moving on, and giving yourself a chance to accept that its over, and let time take the sting out of your hurt feelings.

[yellowjello]

Sigh, the last two responses both said to "let go of the relationship".

I don't know how I can be any clearer. I am not trying to get the relationship back.

Lucky, your ENTIRE post was saying 'if I want to get him back I should let go of the past'. I do not want to get him back, I am not trying to get him back. I am not trying to get back what once was. Maybe your post was in response to my ORIGINAL post? The very first one?

talaniman,
Your post is basically saying I should move on and accept that it's over. Please listen to me - I have accepted that it is over, I am not trying to get back together! I don't know how else I can say that. I have accepted that it is over and am ready to move on. The point of my post was NOT that I don't want to move on. The point of my post was that I WANT to move on, but on good terms rather than bad.

I really don't know why what I am saying is not being understood.

This is the clearest I can put it:
I have accepted it is over.
I do not want to get back together with him.
I would rather have us move on with our lives, always remembering what we had.

[Cat1864]

I would rather have us move on with our lives, always remembering what we had.

For some people, 'always remembering what we had' is the same as holding on to the past. It is like the people who keep looking at their ex's Facebook page or keep thinking about the relationship over and over again trying to figure out what went wrong and who had greater fault. They are grasping at threads to keep the relationship from totally disappearing.

Think about it this way, if you are 'always' remembering the past then you aren't leaving much room for the present and future. It has the effect of keeping the past relationship alive and can give an opening to regrets and false hopes. Where does a future relationship fit in if your focus is on what was?

Maybe, what you mean is that you would hope he remembers the past fondly when he thinks of it instead of dwelling just on the negative aspects of breaking up? Like smiling at a picture in a photo album you haven't opened in years. The memory the picture brings up is welcome rather than painful because the hurt has been allowed to fully dissipate.

[yellowjello]

Threads merged

After we broke up, we stayed friends. He gradually started talking to me less as he lost interest, and I started putting more of an effort into talking to him. Plus I told mutual friends how much I still liked him, and they went and told him. So he started avoiding me, telling everyone I keep trying to get back together and won't leave him alone. I never begged and pleaded! Only spoke to him as a friend, but he still thought that.

Anyway now he has the worst opinion of me. He thinks I'm crazy. He makes fun of me and I'm like a joke to him now. He thinks I'm weird and clingy and just crazy.

I know you all are going to say that his opinion of me shouldn't matter and I should move on. I know I should move on and that's what I'll do. But I don't want him to think this badly of me. I don't want to be remembered like this.

Is there any way to improve his opinion of me?
Leaving him alone is often suggested but will that really help?
I feel like if I just leave it, no matter how much time passes he'll still always remember me this way.. because this is how it left off so it's the last thing he knows.
I was thinking maybe explain myself.. how I was only trying to be friends and I didn't mean anything else. Or maybe even admit I was being crazy and agree with him, and apologize, say I don't know what got into me..