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kisherie · Sep 29, 2007, 08:25 PM

Hi

I'm a 24 year old woman who has never had a real relationship. I can't figure out why since I'm not terribly ugly or anything. I'm a student in a PhD program, recently begun, and considering that I'm in a University environment and that there are so many people my age, I shouldn't have too much trouble. But it seems like everyone I know is already taken and HAPPY. My friends are getting married. I'm the only one who doesn't even get asked out.
I seem to get along with people and try to be friendly and cheerful. But no guy ever asks me out. I flirt a little, tease sometimes but I tend to be shy. Usually, guys will just flirt with me a bit and then slip in that they have a girlfriend already. I rarely meet anyone that I am actually attracted to and who is single. But even though I try to open-nothing ever happens. Lately, I've only been feeling terrible about this. I just moved to a new city and have started making friends but feel the lack of love in my life. I haven't even been on a date in the last few years. Usually it is just a "friendly" outing. I don't even know where all the single people are!
Please help. I can't even figure out what I'm doing wrong specifically. I feel so helpless and that I may end up an old maid.

Looking forward to your reply.

star3114 · Sep 29, 2007, 08:29 PM

You sound just like my friend. She has the same prob too. She has a master's in English. I think part of her problem is that when she gets around guys, she gets shy. Shy girls are automatically demoted to friend status. Guys want a gal that excite them, that intrigue them. They can't be intrigued if you are shy. I would recommend trying something new and adventurous for you... hang gliding, etc. That way, not only would it get your own adrenaline going, but it would also give you something exciting to talk about with the guys.

myadvice4you · Sep 30, 2007, 12:35 AM

You are young. Sometimes it just takes time. Join a club, take up a hobby or other endeavor where you will meet people with similar interests. I don't know where you live but many major city centers have 3 minute dates, or groups where you meet a ton of different singles at once. Post an online dating ad. Sometimes you just have to change it up and try a few new things in order to meet the right someone.

talaniman · Sep 30, 2007, 12:39 AM

I can't even figure out what I'm doing wrong specifically. I feel so helpless and that I may end up an old maid.

You are doing absolutely nothing wrong.

I would recommend trying something new and adventurous for you...

This is an excellet suggestion, as you explore and build a life you are happy with, someone will want to share that happiness with you. Do the things that make you happy, this will cure your shyness. Enjoy doing things. You are young. Sometimes it just takes time. Be patient with yoursef.

trouble finding love

Make sure you love yourself first.

Biggie · Sep 30, 2007, 01:02 AM

I'm only a couple years older than you and the shy type as well, so maybe I can relate some. First off, you aren't doing anything wrong as long as you keep true to yourself. It's obvious you're very intelligent being a PhD student and all. We're all different. I've been a single guy my whole life and I'm OK with that, but it seems you want to find someone. Patience has always been the key. This is only my opinion, but it seems like you're on the right track with your education. I would consider finishing school before looking around. You are still young.

Wondergirl · Oct 6, 2007, 01:13 PM

The best thing to do would be to find a place to volunteer for a few hours a week--an animal or people shelter, hospital, nursing home, library, school, church, horse rescue farm (the possibilities are endless, depending on where you live). You will not only give of yourself to those less fortunate or who are in need but you will also meet people who are single guys, who have single sons, who have unmarried nephews or grandsons or neighbors, etc. etc. etc.

(If you live anywhere near Chicago, I have two unmarried sons.)

N0help4u · Oct 6, 2007, 01:19 PM

You sound like me and I am 52. I was married once for a few years to a real jerk and have had a couple of bf's in my life but for the most part I spend life without a guy in it. I haven't figured it out either. If you let them know you are interested they think you are too aggressive and if you don't they pass you by like you don't exist or you are "only" a "good" friend. They definitely don't take you seriously in any way. The only thing I can think of is that they might find you too intimidating being smart and successful or having your own opinions. Many guys want vulnerable girls that don't seem like they will make 'waves' to their male ego. I have learned to enjoy my life -family, work, hobbies, interests, etc... without a guy BUT
It does still bother me from time to time what am I doing 'wrong' Then other times I remind myself of how controlling they can be in not wanting you to have your interests or individuality.
One thing that keeps me going is thinking that maybe nobody is in my life because there might be someone really special someday that I might otherwise miss out on if I did end up with a boyfriend. Like an old song goes, what do you do when you are with someone and the right one comes along?

Curlyben · Oct 6, 2007, 01:21 PM

>Three Threads Merged<

babez · Dec 20, 2008, 07:56 PM

Hey
I am exactly the same age and have the same problem. It seems as though the whole world is with someone and happy but you. When people tell you they cannot believe that you are single "oh you're so pretty smart funny etc" it makes you even more mad because you know its true. All I can say is hang in there and I hope it makes you feel better that you are not alone. Definitely be open minded. I tried one of those online dating things... and it keeps you occupied for a while. Yet after that... its usually back to square one.
Just keep positive occupied and healthy. Hopefully along the way... something will turn up :)

cadillac59 · Dec 20, 2008, 08:22 PM

I posted a question some time ago on this board asking if anyone had an suggestions on where to meet other gay professional men like myself. One of the participants referred me to Use the Internet to get off the Internet! - Meetup.com and I gave it a try.

I have to say I was very pleased with the results. Statistically gays and lesbians are far fewer in numbers than straight people but I was able to locate a gay mens professional group not far from home. We've already had a couple of meetings; and I've gotten to know a few other guys and have enjoyed myself. I've not yet met Mr. Right but what matters is just getting out and having fun.

Last weekend I went to San Francisco with 3 other guys to see the movie "Milk" at the Castro Theater (in the gay SF neighborhood known as the Castro District) and we had a great time. We went out afterwards for lunch at a gay restaurant and bar and I made lots of eye contact with several other guys, exchanged some smiles and all of that. Now if I hadn't been in a group, or if we had stayed longer and I broken away from the group I know I could have chatted with someone and gotten a phone number or something. Sometimes just being out with other people is all it takes to find others and connect. So, give some group like that a try. The odds are clearly in your favor of meeing someone.