When I was about 13 or 14 years old a male cousin who is nine years older than me fondled me. I really struggle with was I molested. I know that age of consent in my state is 16, but I feel guilty because I just laid there and did not fight back. I now have anxiety issues and no libido with my husband who is a wonderful man. My question is what is sexual abuse? Was I old enough to consent, or was I just a kid myself. It is hard for me to remember my exact age but I know I was no older than 14 and at least 12 years old. Thank you for your help,

ScottGem

Any inappropriate touching is sexual abuse, especially if it wasn't consensual. I always feel a caution here, because this is frequently an issue of curiousity, playing doctor as it were. And I wouldn't consider it abuse unless one was forcing the other. But if this happens when you were 13-14 and he was in his 20s, then that was way over the bounds. As for you just lying there, this was a person that you trusted, a relative who was supposed to look after you not take advantage of you. At that age, you were proabably still innocent enough to not truly assimilate what he was doing.

So yes you were abused and it was not your fault. What you need is counseling to help you deal with your very real and very understandable issues with sex.

Help1981

Scott,
Thank you for your answer. I still really struggle with this. I have three kids and I know that it if happened to them I would kill the guy. However, I did not tell anyone about this for about almost 4 years . When I told my mom and dad my dad told me "he really did not hurt you since he did not rape you" then he asked me if I did anything to lead him on. I still struggle with was this my fault. A part of me knows that I was young and he was in his twenties and that it was wrong, however there is still this voice that tells me I should have stopped it. I don't understand why this is all coming out now,I am 26. I am happily married yet have no desire for sex. It is really hurting my husband and I hate that part! I am scared he will leave because of this. He says he won't, but I know it really bothers him. Anyway...thank you for your response.

ScottGem

You need to get some counseling. A good therapist can help you work through these issues and come out the other side. Even if you did lead him on (and I'm not aying you did), he should have known better.

There are a number of other issues here that I could explore, but I'm not a professional. I definitely feel a professional can help you and restore your libido.

N0help4u

You were a victim and need to realize that your husband is not your cousin. Even if you allowed your cousin to do whatever he did it was more likely a trust type thing with him rather than a consent. Since you are having a hard time letting go of this it would be best to go to therapy. Do not beat yourself up for what happened you were a victim.

Altenweg

You and I have allot in common, I just posted a thread a few days ago about the molestation I went through as a child.

Yes, you were molested, you don't have to be raped in order to be sexually abused. I was molested at the age of 5 (at least that's my earliest memory) by my 13 year old cousin. I am female, so is she. I was so ashamed, not only because of the abuse but because she is female.

I have yet to seek therapy for this, but I will, and I suggest you do the same. If you want to talk about this but don't want to go into detail on this site, then send me a private message, I'd be more than happy to talk to you, I know what you are feeling, and the sad thing is, we're not alone, there are so many others just like us.

Stand strong, now that you've let it out your are on the road to recovery, the next few days will be hard, allot of pent up emotions will come pouring out, but you have taken that first step to healing, and that's the important thing.

Take care of yourself.

happy711

If you had to ask if you were sexually abused, then you were. I would seek professional help from a doctor.

Help1981

I have found a counselor and have an appointment this week. I am not sure what to expect. I do not know how talking with someone about this is going to fix anything. I am going to have an open mind and see what happens.

ScottGem

If its a good counselor they will help you work thru your inhibitions and learn how to move forward.

Altenweg

Help1981 - Just remember, a counsellor can only help you if you are honest with him/her. I know it will be hard to tell your story, but you have to get it out in order to heal, and to get the help you need.

My thoughts are with you. I know you can do this, you are strong, courageous and an inspiration. You go girl!