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My boyfriend of 14 month started to withdraw from me emotionally & sexually about 2 month ago. He just accepted a transfer to another city two hours from us. We went from living together & seeing each other every day to a weekend relationship.
The first weekend he came home, he bought a whole new wardrobe, started fights, had no interest in sex or spending time with me. When he started the fights, he kept them going, couldn't cool off even after I tried to make amends. He dumped me the first three weekends he was home. Later we made up but it wasn't the same. He does have commitment & anger issues so he frequently dumps me in anger. I am usually the one to smooth things over. Just a pattern we developed.
Long story short, the last time he dumped me I couldn't smooth it over anymore. He was cold and removed, angry...I opened his phone bill to find calls to "happy ending" massage places. He called the first hooker after just three days of being gone. I checked his checking account and found out that he was pulling out $200 every other day; the day he dumped me he pulled out $300. All in all he spent $1100 in three weeks on 'massages'. When confronted excuses ranged from 'this only happened when we were arguing' to 'It was only a massage, nothing else'. He had already admitted to a 'hand job' only and later denied that.
I found another phone bill from last year when I was on vacation for two weeks. I wasn't even on the plane yet, he called an escort. He saw six women in 14 days.
I had snooped before and recall seeing strange # on his phone bill. One minute/ two minute calls, never the same #'s...Didn't think much of it until now. All those phone bills are gone now! He keeps paperwork for years but when I moved in those phone bills disappeared.
I was reading up on sex addiction and believe that's what his problem is. I love the man and want to help him as a friend. I could never trust him again but feel that he needs help.
He is not close to anyone, a loner...Do you think he is an addict and how can I help him?
That is pretty intense. I'd say you cannot help someone if they are pulling you down with them. How is this not affecting you? What occurred to me is your health--which I think you should refrain from him in intimate ways and get checked. That should be top priority. Secondly, I wouldn't date this person anymore. Do you not feel some type of codependence towards each other, and is there guilt on your part for "leaving" him? I'm not sure how convincing this message can be, but if this occurred to one of my friends I would call an intervention. It is not okay what he is doing, and it is not okay for you to make up and "smooth" things over. I don't see the difference between that and denial. There are definitely ways to get help, but your priority first should be you. It is not selfish for a person not to want to be cheated it--that is simply self-respect. Only then can you help him. Honestly though, I think he has to meet with a professional. It seems the problems extend beyond sex, and why have sex with a man who doesn't see its act as emotional intimacy too? Well, that is just my opinion. Good luck!
Zuckerl, i suggest you run for you life from this man. You should not feel any duty to help him. He sounds like he has treated you like you are worthless and has shown zero commitment to your relationship since you are the one who keeps trying to smoothe things over. Dont hold on to something you know is a waist of time. This guy is just a boyfreind not a husband so it is not your duty to help him. He has been dumping you habitually and cheating on you with several women and you still wanna help him? Find yourself a man who loves cares and is commited to you. You dont deserve to be in such a distructive relationship. This could cost you your life. He is sleeping with several women who have multiple sexual encounter a day you could get std's and the dreaded HIV virus from this man. Stop worrying about him, start worrying about your physical and emotional health and move on. Dont hold on he is not worth it.
This man has no friends...a loner. I'll bet this is why he is the way he is. He has noone to talk to. He needs professional help. As for you.
You should leave him. Never speak to you again.
You dont deserve all of the things he has done to you.
I see your a nice woman and want to help but listen here.
DONT MAKE HIS PROBLEMS YOURS!
^.^ Find someone that deserves your love.
I agree with the others. This is a very unhealthy relationship. I do have to ask though, have you been tested for STDs? If not, I suggest you do so immediately.
My boyfriend of 14 month started to withdraw from me emotionally & sexually about 2 month ago. He just accepted a transfer to another city two hours from us. We went from living together & seeing each other every day to a weekend relationship.
The first weekend he came home, he bought a whole new wardrobe, started fights, had no interest in sex or spending time with me. When he started the fights, he kept them going, couldn't cool off even after I tried to make amends. He dumped me the first three weekends he was home. Later we made up but it wasn't the same. He does have commitment & anger issues so he frequently dumps me in anger. I am usually the one to smooth things over. Just a pattern we developed.
Long story short, the last time he dumped me I couldn't smooth it over anymore. He was cold and removed, angry...I opened his phone bill to find calls to "happy ending" massage places. He called the first hooker after just three days of being gone. I checked his checking account and found out that he was pulling out $200 every other day; the day he dumped me he pulled out $300. All in all he spent $1100 in three weeks on 'massages'. When confronted excuses ranged from 'this only happened when we were arguing' to 'It was only a massage, nothing else'. He had already admitted to a 'hand job' only and later denied that.
I found another phone bill from last year when I was on vacation for two weeks. I wasn't even on the plane yet, he called an escort. He saw six women in 14 days.
I had snooped before and recall seeing strange # on his phone bill. One minute/ two minute calls, never the same #'s...Didn't think much of it until now. All those phone bills are gone now! He keeps paperwork for years but when I moved in those phone bills disappeared.
I was reading up on sex addiction and believe that's what his problem is. I love the man and want to help him as a friend. I could never trust him again but feel that he needs help.
He is not close to anyone, a loner...Do you think he is an addict and how can I help him?
omg i could have written that myself!
i have been through the almost exact experience and YES your boyfriend is a sex addict. try to move on with your life because his sex addiction will destroy you. recovery from sex addiction never works in my opinion and there are too many diseases to put your life at risk. he cannot get help until he admits he has a problem which is very unlikely to happen.
omg i really feel for you because i know the pain of discovering such a thing...i am so sorry you have to go through this.
unfortunately for me, i left him but then discovered i was pregnant. i now have a wonderful and precious son and i wouldn't change that for the world but i now have to continue to have contact with my ex.
sex addiction is a very sick thing when they would prefer to be with a dirty, skanky hooker than their loving partner.
trust me you don't want a man like that. i tried to make it work with my ex and he did start going to a therapist but trust me, it is never the same again. any cheating on a partner is not on but sex addiction is not like an affair...it is a sickness like any other addiction and they cannot stop, have relapses etc. it is not a nice thing to have in your life and trust me life will be much better for you if you move on and leave him behind.
good luck. i know how much you will need it. don't help him out. he needs to help himself. noone else can do it. you can only help yourself by moving on to a better life and future for yourself.
Thanks for all your input!
I am in denial, you are right. It helps to hear it from other people...over & over again, lol. I am in therapy, I am codependent & I am still all over the place. It sucks. I go from feeling sorry for him & missing him to wanting to kill him!
I sent him an email about sex addiction, symptoms, etc. All he had to say to it was, 'This is a very nice email, thank you.'
I hope I get over this episode soon! Thanks again guys!
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