I've had a horrible life, and I know because a lot of things confirm it, it would take too long to list the horrible things or things of confirmation. I'm severely depressed, and not far at all from killing myself. I feel like I need a relationship to survive, and every time I put myself out there, I'm rejected. I have a lot of friends, but none of them understand at all, or even try. I'm a lesbian with a homophobic mother, my father doesn't care. He's like a parking meter, you have to keep feeding it something to get it to do what you want to or care about anything else but itself. I feel like I can't take life anymore, and just to fill you in, I can NOT go to a counselor, (no, school neither), I can NOT tell my mother, I can NOT tell any other adult, I have to deal with this myself, what do I do?

TheSavage

I am a non-believer -But I think it might be a good idea for you to see a preacher at a more liberal church [I.E one that accepts gays and you for what you are and will not think they can change you.]
And no you do not need a relationship to survive, it might be your just lonely with no one you can talk things though with.
Why can`t you tell any other adult though?
their are a lot more people here that are better at this than I and I bet they will be along to point you in the best direction shortly

manimuth

How old are you? Why can't you turn to anyone? Is it because you truly believe no one is available or are you afraid?

rockbottomtohell

Ok, thank you so much for responding, I'm lutheran, my pastor is in training and a ditzy idiot, but GREAT idea! No there isn't anyone I can talk to without my mother finding out, and everytime I reveal to HER something, the problem gets worse or not fixed, ex: my mother saw the fresh cut on my arm, and all she said was swear to god you'll never do it again? and that was that. I am dead serious. Anyway, next, I'm 14, and...this might come up as a second message...I have to look again

Ok, and it's both, I am afraid and as I said before, mother here is the issue. I just truly do not feel close enough to share this with any adult who wouldn't tell my mother.

TheSavage

as a side note -- I read many posts by young folks like you and it was/is wonderful to see a well written, well spelled letter [And response]
I just read your other posts and noted the one about cutting + reading the above think that your mom is in a strong state of denial. My gut says you wanted your mom to see those cuttings?
At 14 you have plenty of time to worry about relationships and oddly enough once you stop worrying about finding the right one --lots of times it happens.
Once upon a time I was Lutheran to -- note I did not say, see your preacher -- find a different brand _ also its your parents that are Lutheran -- you still have your path to choose.

rockbottomtohell

Ok, I have one parent, and I promise you with all my heart, that I did NOT want her to see those, I hid them very well then had a careless mistake, it had been going on for at least a month, and thank you for complementing me on my writing, I like literature, what can I say?

Nosnosna

Disclaimer: I'm not a therapist, so none of this should be taken in place of legitimate professional advice. If your depression is as bad as you say, you should do everything you can to find some way to get that professional advice.

First of all, don't think about suicide... it's not a good option. If nothing else, try to channel that depression into something that will motivate you in the other direction: Paint, write, take up interpretive dance. Most of the frustrations you have will probably feel better if you find a way to just get them out into the world, even if nobody else ever sees them. Just getting them written down may help you see that while yes, all of these things do suck, they suck a whole lot less when you can see them one at a time, and that makes them manageable.

Don't worry about anybody accepting your sexuality now... a lot of people have a hard time dealing with that sort of thing, and there's not much you can do to speed them along. It sounds trite, but just be who you are, and let them worry about them.

Don't worry about relationships. You don't need one to be happy, and if you're already depressed, the extra issues that can come up in a relationship won't help that any. Especially at your age, it will be hard to find lesbian (or 'curious') girls to have a relationship with anyway, as they will still be figuring themselves out, which will add other issues on top of everything else you already have going on. Instead, try to improve your existing friendships or make new friends, so that you'll have people to talk to about the little things (keeping them from piling up with your existing frustrations), and maybe even some of your existing issues.

Good luck, and try not to give up.

rockbottomtohell

Ok, thank you (I say 'ok' too much) for responding. I draw or write a song atleast once a week. I've accepted my sexuality but it's the others that are the problem. As for the relationship, I'm used to giving advice, it helps me actually, I'm weird like that, so that part I don't mind. I just need someone who can calm me down, or see me when I'm crying (I don't let anyone see) and hold me knowing that I'm not ok, even if they're worse than I am, I just want someone to go through this with, if that helps with giving you an idea of my situation any, great. I had a feeling I was unhelpable anyway.

TheSavage

Ahh but all we can go by is what you tell us [and what we can draw out ]
" with a homophobic mother, my father doesn't care."

rockbottomtohell

Right, I'm sorry, I forget things sometimes. Here's the 411, he lives in FL, only calls me when someone yells at him, doesn't care about me in the least or his son (my 1/2 brother) he hasn't paid any child support and lied in courth that my mother was and I quote "a slut" and that I wasn't his child. Sorry for the blank space, and thank you for reminding me.