I was raised as an only child, I have abandonment issues. My Dad served 4 years in the core. He was very mean as far as emotional abuseive, all the time watching what I ate to make sure I was not getting to fat. He died on Christmas when I was 15. My Mom on the other had is very controlling and even though I live 800 miles away ahe wants to know what hours I work where Iam going who with, what bill I have to pay, wants me to call her at least 1 a day. Tells me Iam not able to handel money wants me to send her my money so she can save it for me. Since in her eyes I dont know how to save and budget. Also the rest of my family wont talk to me at all.They just ignore me and always have. Everyone I have ever meet has left me weather it was boy friends cheating on me and then dumping me or friends lying to me about going and doing stuff I have this cycle that every one in my life abandons me after so long. I want to change this cycle. Its bad my own Mom has said that when she passes away I wont have a family anymore. I was not raised around them I have always lived any where from an hour to 14 hours from them. They never came to visit us when I was growing up we always had to go see them. I also have a hard time finishing any thing I start and hard time with modivation its like I want to do some thing but because of the emotional abuse and my Parrents always forceing me to do stuff if Iam not being forced to do it even if I want to do it I will talk my self out of it or never do it. I have never had very good suportive friends eather they have always put me down and one has always been mad when ever I did acomplish some thing. I know I have wrote alot but I want you all to have as much information as possiable to give me some adivce on what to do. I have thought about councling but money wise I cant afford it at the moment since I dont have any health insurance. All advice is welcomed, thank you .

julietmarie

Your story is very sad. However, you MUST not live your PRESENT in the past. With all due respect, you are using your very crappy childhood as an excuse for your current decisions. It is your crutch. You are blaming your emotional abuse for everything you fail at. That has got to stop. Take and hour now and cry your heart out. Your life has sucked to date and that is sad. BUt then, during hour number 2 and on you need to get rid of the crutches.

Go pay $5 and read Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book "crappy childhood good life" SOMETHING LIKE THAT).

Can you do this today?

Your mom is sick and manipulative. Sorry. We all want a mom that is loving and kind but you didnt get so lucky. DO NOT make a grand announcement but starting now you only call your mom once a week. Pick a day and time to call her for 10 minutes. AND DO NOT ANSWER her stupid questions about how much money you have or make etc. YOu need to start eliminating all ties with her. SHe is mentally ill and your continued ties with her keeps you stuck.

Next, join a church (pick one-who cares) and start going. Look for volunteer opportunities. Get out and do things that are free or very cheap. My local hospital has a free group that meets every tuesday night to discuss issues. Alanon is a great way to meet folks and learn
from others (even though you don't have alcoholics in your life). Co-dependants anonymous is also a great place to start. Your current friends (as you described above) are not healthy for you/and you them. You need to be around people trying to improve their lives. Again, start with these free places since you can't afford therapy. And everytime you find yourself in the "poor me'" mode hop online and look at those with severe disabilities or living in the filthy poverty ridden streets in 3rd world countries. Be grateful for what you DO have and move from there!

Best of luck to you. I pray you will become a happy, healthy person that your parents never were.

Jordana27

julietmarie Thank you for your advice. I will start looking on ebay to to get the book. Thank you again for the advice. I also split ties with my old best friend after reading your advice and Im starting to feal better. If you can think of any more advice I would love to hear it.

julietmarie

No, Nothing in addition to what I wrote. You just have to keep working on changing your thinking. Change your thought patterns and you will change your life. It's hard. I understand. You have these old tapes that play over and over in your head and when you're not playing them your mom and your 'friends' are.

You have to 'record' new tapes. When my daughters were a bit younger I always told them "act as if". Meaning, if they were nervious or fearful of something (like a presentation at school) "act as if" you aren't.

Start holding your head higher and your shoulders back and straight. Act (think) as if you are the confident, woman you will be one day.

SMILE at strangers and remember you are NOT a mind reader. I used to think "oh that person is looking at me like I'm weird, or this person thinks I'm stupid etc". But, bottom line, we can't read minds and beside WHO CARES what someone else thinks???

Be easy on yourself. There will be ups and downs. When you do talk with your mom on the phone do so with Crayons in hand and draw pretty pictures (in other words, do whatever it takes to 'listen' to her without really 'listening' or responding to the nonsense she tries to stick in your head. And DON'T get defensive or argue. Just say "yeah, sure...."
and keep coloring (or whatever) You get the idea!

I did not check but sometimes abebooks.com has cheap used books. The one I mentioned and the original "feeling good handbook" by David Burns is another one I always suggest. It's my bible. I don't pull it out but once a year these days but I used to read/work on it daily when I was in my twenties.

Have a great night.

AtLarge

Julietmarie gave you some great advice. I just want to assure you that you are not alone. Even finding this web site was a good move. And there are many good books as well. Most cities have used book stores where you can get books for little money. And there is the library where you can read books for free.

Church can also be a good place to find some grounding and guidance. But I just want to point out that churches are full of humans who are not perfect. So don't get discouraged if all of your experiences there are not always what you might hope for. Look for the good and hold onto that. Read the Bible.

Also I want to reinforce the thought that you must not let your mother control you. It is OK and not disrespectful to set boundaries.

And practice good feelings. Does that sound funny? Here is an example. If thinking about a day at the beach makes you feel good, then when you start to feel bad, think about the beach.

Take care and keep working on this. Don’t give up! You are heading in a good direction.

Wisdom4Adu

Jordana27, I applaud julietmarie and AtLarge for the advice they gave you. EXCELLENT!! I can attest that being a abuse survivor (molestation, verbal and domestic) You can change your life's path. What Juliet said about turning off negative tapes and replacing them with positive ones was the greatest thing a counselor ever told me. Yes, it was work and takes determination, but I so enjoy the freer thinking person I am today who stands up for herself in an assertive way.

About cutting off negative relationship ties. This is CRUCIAL. I have had to do it countless times when I realized my well being was more important - no matter how much I might like or admire a few aspects of that certain person who was not contributing to my growth. I would rather be alone and in peace that with people who only want to put me down and control me. By the way, people cannot control us - we allow them to.

Practice being good to yourself through this journey. Do things to love yourself. Your best investment is in YOU for right now.

I must also speak up about church. Please try and make wise decisions at first with lifetime commitments. Make sure you are well on the road to healing before you commit to a marriage tie. Being in the church life for almost 30 years (most of it leadership) I have seen my fair share of people that might have wrong motives for counseling. I believe pastors should stick to shepherding the fold and leave the soul surgery for the pros.

Your comment on when you want to do something but do not? Look at it as an adventure in learning. Life only gives us 70 yrs at best for us to experience its riches. We can even get something if we fail. That should not make anyone scared. At least you were brave enough to try and perhaps you learned more about yourself through it? Let me tell you - there are a many things I have not finished in my lifetime. But I have perhaps more that I have that are amazing. We learn about our likes and dislikes this way. Not to mention what a wonderful positive outlet they can be. My most recent self growth outlet will be journaling which I plan to do online. I hear it is a great for distressing and helps you get insight from your writing not to mention just good old self venting. (Better out than held in).

You would be wise to do as suggested above. Seek out books written by reputable psychologists for self growth. The Bible for encouragement is an awesome pro source.

More books - these were on the library shelf of my first counselor:

Healing for Damaged Emotions by David Seamand

How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, and What Matters Most to You by Patti Breitman

Speaking Your Mind Without Stepping on Toes by Henry A. Virkler (on learning to be assertive)


Much encouragement to you Jordana27 - you would not have been born into this earth if you did not have great purpose. And it sounds like you are sincere in breaking the cycle that you went through. I believe you can. I am proof you can.