I seem to be just not good enough for a daughter with a PHD and rules to go alone.

JudyKayTee · Jul 1, 2012, 07:55 AM

Cutting right to the chase - is your behavior over the top or embarrassing? The "love life, crazy about having fun, kick in a joke or two" makes me think your idea of fun and being funny might not be hers. This may have nothing to do with her education and everything to do with what she perceives to be inappropriate behavior. I get a mental picture here of some way over-the-top attention getting behavior.

She has already said you are funny and loud and you have embarrassed her.

I suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle - she is overly sensitive and you aren't toning things down after being asked to do so.

If she'll talk to you I would sit down with her and ask her exactly what she wants/expects. If she's way out of line, well, then I'd tell her that. On the other hand if she wants you to tone it down a little, I'd do that.

It seems odd that suddenly you can't see the Grandchildren. How long has this been shaping up?

ScottGem · Jul 1, 2012, 08:13 AM

So, she doesn't want her children watching TV. She doesn't want them exposed to religion. She wants them to be vegans. I'm assuming she's home schooling the children.

Now your daughter sounds like a very controlling. And, I suspect she is going to lose those children when they find out how controlling she has been. But the bottom line is her children her rules.

Why can't you not turn on the TV when you visit or they visit you? Why can't you keep your religious views to yourself during those visits? Why can you not plan vegan meals or not bring meat to her home? I don't see these rules as something you can't follow. So if you want to see the grandchildren, you sit down with her, you can tell HER what you think of her rules and what will happen in the future. You can point out, that you didn't follow those rules when she was growing up and she seems to have turned out OK. But you tell her, that you will abide by those rules despite your feelings about them.

Jake2008 · Jul 1, 2012, 08:16 AM

It's a little ironic to me that your personality was the same one that raised her, and that somehow managed to not embarrass her through to a PHD.

While your daughter may sound a little controlling to me (IE not allowing conversation with her daughters unless she approves of the subject), it seems disrespectful as well.

I agree totally with Judy that you need to sit down with her, and her husband, and talk this great divide through. For all your sakes', particularly your grandchildren who by now, probably love you very much, and miss you as much as you miss them.

For all you know, you may have said something that offended your daughter, and if you did, she should have talked to you, instead of shutting you completely out. However, if this has been a regular routine, and you have been asked/told to tone it down, and insist on being obstinate, as is your daughter, it really needs to be sorted out and resolved.

donormom · Jul 1, 2012, 09:39 AM

Thank you so much, I try to obide by the rules, and I think it was not going to see her that really made her mad. I also did not follow her map on going to the ocean and I got there but no how she told me. My daughter was so mad that I could not even follow a map. I am 66 and I think in some ways I'm a bit ADD, or at least my husband said I am. He loves my love for life but I know that deep inside I'm just a sad mom that lost her only son and now is loosing the last daughter and the only two grandkids. She will not answer my mail, I asked her if we could talk and no answer but when mother's day came along she sent me a card that said my name, not mom and signed her name and the card was so hurtful one you would send to someone you hardly know. I know I have faults and I admit that I'm a bit slow off the intake of education but I worked hard and made 83,000 a year and can't spell my way out of a box.

I asked my doc if I could see someone and he said I have a great outlook and to leave her alone, really can a mom ever do that. I have to and it helps to hear your input as a mothers love is timeless and now that I'm down with two knees healing I think way to much about my grandchildren. How does one stop that and just go on? I wonder the doctor makes it seem like it is nothing.

JudyKayTee · Jul 1, 2012, 10:20 AM

I think your plate is full and you have a lot of stress - recuperating (apparently from surgery or something), your son is deceased (I'm so very sorry - I was widowed. I know the pain never completely goes away), your daughter is problematical (at best), she makes rules and gets upset over who knows what. I supposed a card you would send a stranger is better than a card you don't send at all - I know it hurts but at least she signed her name and put it in the mail.

I'm not sure your education has anything to do with it - it sounds more like personalities that aren't meshing.

What if you simply backed off for a while - say for a month? Give yourself a month to rethink this, recuperate, mourn your son, get yourself together. At the end of the month decide what to do next. Don't make decisions forever at this time.

Sometimes when you stop chasing the person you are chasing turns around and comes toward you. Do you know what I mean?

Where is her husband in all of this?

I know you're hurting. I think the best you can do is pull back or you're going to continue to be hurt. Don't decide "forever." Do what works NOW.

Jake2008 · Jul 1, 2012, 10:21 AM

It sure sounds like something is eating at her if she went to all the trouble of getting and sending a mother's day card- with your 'proper' name on it, and not mom. That would really hurt me too.

Why not revisit this with your Doctor, and ask that he refer you, and your daughter, to counselling, together. I haven't read anything yet to suggest that all is lost, or that the two of you can't work out any differences. Should she not think there is a problem, and refuse to go, then I hope you go yourself.

In the meanwhile, I would probably stop with the email, except once a week, just keeping her up to date and in the loop, without any reference to the current situation.

If counselling is something she is willing to do, or even think about doing, give her time to get used to the idea, and if/when you set something up, have the first several sessions (at least three), booked in advance if you can.

donormom · Jul 1, 2012, 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I think your plate is full and you have a lot of stress - recuperating (apparently from surgery or something), your son is deceased (I'm so very sorry - I was widowed. I know the pain never completely goes away), your daughter is problematical (at best), she makes rules and gets upset over who knows what. I supposed a card you would send a stranger is better than a card you don't send at all - I know it hurts but at least she signed her name and put it in the mail.

I'm not sure your education has anything to do with it - it sounds more like personalities that aren't meshing.

What if you simply backed off for a while - say for a month? Give yourself a month to rethink this, recuperate, mourn your son, get yourself together. At the end of the month decide what to do next. Don't make decisions forever at this time.

Sometimes when you stop chasing the person you are chasing turns around and comes toward you. Do you know what I mean?

Where is her husband in all of this?

I know you're hurting. I think the best you can do is pull back or you're going to continue to be hurt. Don't decide "forever." Do what works NOW.

I had two knees replaced at the same time on Feb 27th. I think you are right and I must do just that. I guess being afraid your grandchildren will forget you is silly. I'm so sorry for your loss, it never goes away it just finds it's own place in your heart. I give speeches when I'm well on donation as my son saved 5 lives and his heart lives 20 miles from me. I do not know how I would cope with the loss of a husband, I hardly know what to say that makes it any better. My husband just lost his brother at 69 and his wife is having such a hard time. I try to say the right thing but I think the key is just listen and be there. God bless you and thanks... OOOPs there I go again with the God thing...

JudyKayTee · Jul 1, 2012, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by donormom

I had two knees replaced at the same time on Feb 27th. I think you are right and I must do just that. I guess being afraid your grandchildren will forget you is silly. I'm so sorry for your loss, it never goes away it just finds it's own place in your heart. I give speeches when I'm well on donation as my son saved 5 lives and his heart lives 20 miles from me. I do not know how I would cope with the loss of a husband, I hardly know what to say that makes it any better. My husband just lost his brother at 69 and his wife is having such a hard time. I try to say the right thing but I think the key is just listen and be there. God bless you and thanks... OOOPs there I go again with the God thing...

God is all in the context - no problem.

You do sum up grief well, you really do. My husband had all the donor papers signed but he was so sick for so long that nothing could be "used." I'm still sad about that.

Yes, it's hard to go on as a widow - life changes in the blink of an eye in ways you never believed possible. Grief changes you, no question.

Is your daughter perhaps grieving her brother's death and that in some way is changing your relationship with her? My one stepdaughter changed drastically when her father died, including becoming very distant with me, and at one point she said that every time she looked at me she remembered and it was just too painful. Nothing to do with me. Made no sense at the time but perhaps that is how she felt.

I'm sad for you - life takes some terrible twists and turns.

donormom · Jul 1, 2012, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

God is all in the context - no problem.

You do sum up grief well, you really do. My husband had all the donor papers signed but he was so sick for so long that nothing could be "used." I'm still sad about that.

Yes, it's hard to go on as a widow - life changes in the blink of an eye in ways you never believed possible. Grief changes you, no question.

Is your daughter perhaps grieving her brother's death and that in some way is changing your relationship with her? My one stepdaughter changed drastically when her father died, including becoming very distant with me, and at one point she said that every time she looked at me she remembered and it was just too painful. Nothing to do with me. Made no sense at the time but perhaps that is how she felt.

My daughter really did not like her brother, he never was good enough for her. I think that was really the fact that he was so funny and loving in an open way. He was such a great boy and just loved life but did not take life to serious.

I hope you have a place to go to talk to your husband, I made a special place just for me to go and just sit. I light some candles and I talk to him, he is on facebook as "in memory of Clint Souza" it is beautiful tribute. You might like to do something like that. The place in your heart will fill with the love of memory and as time goes by we remember more and more of the good. You step daughter I am sure is feeling the loss in such a different way and they are NOT the same. I know she will come around when she heals and you are the other half of him. It is so good to email you and then we also know we do not walk this alone. So many people have hurdles to jump or cross and we somehow get to the other side. TIME I think is the key to a greaving mother or wife and the other key is talking about the great times. Thanks for your input as well...

I'm sad for you - life takes some terrible twists and turns.

My daughter really did not like her brother, he never was good enough for her. I think that was really the fact that he was so funny and loving in an open way. He was such a great boy and just loved life but did not take life to serious.

I hope you have a place to go to talk to your husband, I made a special place just for me to go and just sit. I light some candles and I talk to him, he is on facebook as "in memory of Clint Souza" it is beautiful tribute. You might like to do something like that. The place in your heart will fill with the love of memory and as time goes by we remember more and more of the good. You step daughter I am sure is feeling the loss in such a different way and they are NOT the same. I know she will come around when she heals and you are the other half of him. It is so good to email you and then we also know we do not walk this alone. So many people have hurdles to jump or cross and we somehow get to the other side. TIME I think is the key to a greaving mother or wife and the other key is talking about the great times. Thanks for your input as well...

I'm sad for you - life takes some terrible twists and turns.[/quote]

I seem to be just not good enough for a daughter with a PHD and rules to go alone.

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