Partner with Asperger's

I'm not sure about Aspergers but I have to comment anyway...aside from the possible physical violence aspect, did you not notice anything before you got married? I mean, this stuff bothers you now but not when you two were dating?

Your partner (and my husband who is your partner's clone) could be the poster child for Asperger's. It's not a "mild" case, but is what it is.

He's probably pretty smart, right? And he does have many good characteristics, right? Aspies are loyal and honest to a fault, don't cheat (at poker OR in a marriage), can't lie, will happily take care of you until your dying day. But after a few years, the appreciation of the good qualities can recede and the clunky Asperger's characteristics can become more obvious and even annoying.

My father-in-law also had Asperger's. No one knew it; he had never been diagnosed because his peculiarities never kept him from getting through life. He could drive and hold down a job (albeit a very rigid, managed one that worked well for him), he dated when his brother dragged him along to be with his date's sister (and the two brothers later married the two sisters). My mother-in-law was from an abusive home, and since autism wasn't a word in our vocabulary back in the early 1940s, she was happy just to find a good man who would not hit her. He too, like my husband and your partner, exhibited all the signs of Asperger's. My husband's siblings always laughed that their dad was their mom's "project" for social life and for getting out of his comfort zone, etc.; otherwise, he would have just sat at the kitchen table and happily stared out of the picture window his entire life except for doing his routine things.

He's deceased now and I have never mentioned to his widow and the rest of the family that he had Asperger's. Looking back, it makes total sense after the stories the family would tell about him with panic attacks in stores and his monotone voice and his smiling but vacuous staring. I see all that in my husband. One of our sons is autistic but slid off the Asperger's spectrum into a version of autism called hyperlexia, so I know this is a genetic thing.

I always had a feeling something was "off" with my husband (lack of empathy, poor social skills, rigid routines, his ha-ha-ha barking laugh, etc.), but never know what to call it until about three years ago when it all came clear about him AND his father. We've been married almost 45 years, so a few things have gone right. Maybe I can help you from my own experience.

Thanks for the replies folks. Yes I did notice some oddities in him before we co-habitated, but I just thought he was "quirky" and "eccentric". Now those habits that used to annoy me slightly irritate me beyond words. If I try to discuss his behaviour and how I feel about his reactions he becomes incredibly defensive. He is bright and has had the same career for 2 decades. He is incredibly dedicated to his students, to the point he wont take days off, even when unwell. He is also incredibly tight with his money - and has thousands of dollars stashed away whilst watches me struggle to pay my son's school fees, etc. He refuses to acknowledge that the behaviour that I find odd is abnormal and tells me I am the reason the relationship has broken down (i.e. he says I have belittled and criticised him for 6 years) I am the first to admit my faults, and I have many - but I know and acknowledge what they are! I have sought counselling in the past, but he refused to go because he didn't think there was any need (I haven't done anything wrong - how is counselling going to help us?")Anyway, I have decided to leave (and how difficult this decision has been!)because I value my own health more than I love him. Unless I am willing to forgive the many hurts he has caused I will become bitter and end up hating him, which I don't want to do.