Hi all,
To everyone who replied to my last emo rant and gave me advice, thankyou... unfortunately I still haven't taken it. I keep meaning to see a counsellor (my uni provides them without charge) but every time I am in that area, I find excuses not to go. I guess I'm afraid of finding out that there's something wrong with me. Or maybe I'm scared that I'll find out that nothing's wrong with me, and they can't do anything to change it/me.
I really need to talk to someone... but I can't, it's just too real.
And it's getting worse. I'm finding it so hard to keep focussed on anything. When I'm with friends I spend very little time paying attention to what's being said around me. I just keep phasing out all the time. I get distracted so easily.
And I've stopped laughing normally. I laugh if the people around me laugh, but even when my brain tells me something is funny, there's no response from my body. I don't cry either. There have been occasions when something tremendously bad has triggered me, and I have cried daily for a while... but in the past year, besides those extremes I have been unable to cry.
It's not that I'm depressed... I'm not unhappy. I even enjoy my life overall... I've just become so... unresponsive. Like I could sit and stare forever...

KalFour

I don't know.

I don't know what I'm expecting here.

I guess all I'm effectively doing is whining.

That wasn't my intention.

Wondergirl

Not true.

How can we help you walk into that counseling office? (she said again)

KeepItSimpleStupid

I have a better idea, I think. Go see a neuropsychologist first. Neuropsychology - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This will likely find out what's needed and give a sense of direction.

aghamajid

first of all,calm yourself,i know that feeling,its like you are dead inside,cant feel any thin,just smile to give a response and deep down inside your trapped,its like a million people in you,just find a gud friend,n burst out all your thoughts and feelings and believe me you will get to some point,if not then try to spend some time alone,thinking about yourself and your inner self,and hit me back and tell me wht you feel!

KalFour

I feel exhausted. I feel like I want to curl up in a cave and sleep, away from everything, for a very long time. I feel that I cannot possibly live up to the expectations of everyone around me. I feel that I have a lot of responsibilities that I am incapable of dealing with. I feel that I'm running out of time, and my life's going nowhere. I feel that Kal is buried deep inside me, and a different person is controlling my body most of the time. I feel that I have no idea what I want, or what I'm doing half the time... but for some reason people keep coming to me and wanting me to solve their problems for them. I feel that I'm going to let everyone down, and worst of all... at some point I'm going to stop caring about it.
And I feel that if I actually try to talk to someone about all of this... one or both of us will explode.

Wondergirl

Take the risk. Talk with someone about this. The very fact that you've begun talking with us (and I haven't heard any reports of explosions) is a good sign you want to let go of these feelings, this depression.

KalFour

Just thought I'd let you all know I went to see a counselor today. Took a lot of hyping myself up to get there, but I did it!
She wants me back again next week.
I just hope I can stay in it.

Thanks guys.

LifePaparazzi

Listen, You CAN do this. Don't give up. You will have days where you have an appointment and you won't want to go. But you CAN do this.

I went through this too. I would try to think of every excuse in the book to cancel. But my couselor would not give up on me. I'm so glad she didn't, as I finally got the help I needed. I stayed with it for four years, until I moved away. Now I wish I could still see her.

Just know that you have taken that all important first step. Now it's just a matter of working through what needs to be dealt with. It won't go away, but it will get worse. So, hang in there. There are a lot of people that really do care.

Consider yourself hugged and patted on the back.

KalFour

Thanks. Thanks so much. It means a lot to me.

It was so weird today. Like... I walked in there and had no idea what it was I wanted to say, so sat there saying nothing for a bit 'til she started prompting me.

I still don't know exactly what I'm trying to say, but I'll keep trying to say it.

Thanks for the hug.

KalFour

It's funny, because that's exactly what happened. I stopped liking him, avoided him for a while, then broke up with him.
My counselor left the country not long after I first saw her. I'm waiting til she gets before I continue. The idea of talking to someone new is just... inconcievable at the moment. I've booked in to see her again the week she gets back.
So recently I've just been totally flat. I don't really care what's going on, haven't been seeking people out, or looking forward to things, just been going along with life, and when I'm forced to be communicative, simply say what I'm expected to say and act the way I'm expected to act.
I've only been emotional lately with things that haven't actually happened. Things I imagine can have a profound effect on me, while the things in real life seem quite trivial, as though they're on another plane of existance.
I got a new job. I've been working in schools with emotionally disturbed children. I've actually been really enjoying it... maybe not enjoying, but I find it satisfying. I don't know if it's because I feel that I have a purpose there, or if it's because focussing on the problems of others makes it easier to cope with my own. Maybe it's just flattering to my ego to have others feel safe confiding in me. Maybe I just want to help people. It's hard to say when I know so llittle about what's going on inside my head.
Maybe I'm everyone else's counselor because I get some perverse satisfaction from it... that seems horribly wrong somehow.

Well... that's a brief update... just in caase anyone's interested.

Kal