My mother called upon me a year ago this last Christmas. She was recovering in the hospital from a broken hip. I was never informed by the "family" that she had hurt herself. No one on her medical team was informed she had a daughter.

So, I raced to her side driving through miles of blizzard conditions. I stayed with an old high school friend who returned with more news every evening. The "family" doesn't trust you, someone in the family has their hands in her money, no one knows she has a daughter, you need to bond with your aunt and cousins, and finally, you need to leave here in two days time. Then the really big one= "if I were you, I would get in your car and travel home as fast as you can!"

This person had become so uncomfortable with all the family gossip concerning me, they no longer wanted me staying with them. I was very short on funds, and to get rid of me, they offered to put me up in a motel.

As usual, within a couple of days, things deteriorated so badly between me and my mother, I prepared for the return trip, thousands of miles, home. I found out, she only wanted me to show-up to show social services there was someone to care for her.

My aunt took her in so she had no further use for me. Through the many years, my mother had spread so many lies about me, no one wanted me around! I have done nothing but try to be close with her. At the time she called me about her injury, we had gone through a long silent time. Times of not communicating because communicating hurt so much, I couldn't do it.

Well, now I'm being accused of stealing various objects of "value" from her home. I'm thousands of miles away and can't defend myself, nor afford another trip back to set the record straight. This is just one instance. I took two more trips back. One trip I was so upset, my husband came to deliver me! I found out so much, so many horrible things she has said about me. Lies, slander and defamation of character.

In my town I'm very well-respected and trusted and loved. I wasn't even included in my Father's obituary! I truly don't know what to do. Another cousin told her, during my May trip last year, that I had a suitcase in her house and probably used it to take things from the house. Well, of course I had a suitcase! I had one for clothes!

The last trip I took was to ask her to move back here with me. She said maybe in a few months. Our phone conversations have been up and down since. Sometimes she speaks to me other times she yells and screams and hangs up on me. I could write pages of the hurtful things she said to me in the past 18 months, it would take hours! How on my second trip, she grabbed my house keys, told me to leave, and I heard her tell the nurse="MY daughter has been here two weeks and hasn't done anything for me." Well, I had been there two days! After again driving almost non-stop thousands of miles to get there! I was so stunned and hurt. I left for home shortly afterwards.

I know she's telling everyone I've abandoned her! It's not abandonment, it's self-preservation. My aunt is a big part of the equation. I know she is.

This has taken a terrible toll on my health, I've been ill all this year. Just sick, remembering as a small child hearing her degrade me to my aunts in the kitchen, saying horrible things when I was only five or so.

I don't know what to do. I would like to have TIME with her, time to bond in this twilight time of her life. "Heart-Broken"

**** it make your own family.

I think you've done everything you can. Perhaps your mother and aunt and everyone else is mentally ill.

How many times can you get slapped in the face before you stop trying?

I think you need to speak to a professional and come to terms with this - and your family.

Good luck.

Thank you, I have tried, I cry a lot, am very depressed. I have done proffessional help several times, and that's what they say, cut yourself off, but then I get the call out of no where, when she hurts herself. How much can I communicate with this board? It helps speaking to others who have gone through the same.
I hate to think my old schoolmates think I'm a terrible person when I go back for reunions, etc.
The how many times do you allow yourself to be slapped question is a good one. I was in my thirties before I stopped flinching when someone raised there hand, even in a benign gesture, because I was slapped in the face (physically)by my mother as I grew up. Yes. I think there is a lot of mental illness, narcissism and bi-polarism going on. They have a pack mentality, and since I left fresh out of high school, I'm an outsider, an enemy.

Thank you for your feed-back.

What would be your ideal resolution to your foregoing posts?

I know it's painful and I realize you are trying SO hard to fix a problem - but aren't the one who needs fixing. You can't make people do what they don't want to do whether it's stop smoking or love you. I think you know that. You seem to have stopped the cycle of abuse (you were emotionally and physically abused but didn't pass that along) so you've made some giant strides.

Maybe you just have to say to yourself that you are the outsider and the enemy. If it wouldn't be you it would be somebody else. It's not you. It's them. When you get the calls you have to evaluate where you are in your life and where they could put you if you go running to "solve the problem."

I realize I'm not in that situation and so it's easy for me to give advice but you either have to walk away or develop a much tougher "skin" when it comes to your family. I know it's hard but I see no other way.

Thank you, you are correct, I know it, but accepting it is another matter. Perhaps I need to work on me more, instead of her and them. I did blow one time at the constant nice-for-awhile then into high-gear criticism of me. I confronted an issue I never had with her. It was my father's sexual abuse,and how she stood and let him. However, when I reached puberty, and he began grabbing at my newly- forming breasts, I called him a pervert, and told him NEVER to touch me ever again. He didn't either. How dare she fabricate, spin tales about me when she was mirroring her own self-disgust and projecting it on me! As if it was MY fault that my dad did that,as she watched. She did nothing to stop him. Was is it my fault at the age of THREE I liked to imitate the Virgin Mary, and my dad told me to get naked and placed a veil on my head as I held my hands in prayer, and he took photos of me with his new Polaroid? Was it my fault those photos lay in the family photo box forever after as if it was NORMAL? I don't think so! I was in my thirties before I could no longer flinch from illusional slaps from her, but also no longer pull my pelvis back instinctively to avoid having my crotch grabbed by him whenever it appeared anyone was anywhere near that area of my body. I received her blame, her rage, and bitterness, not him. It was something I had to confront with her, but, indeed, it has made it worse between her and me. Even as a tot, she told me she should have flushed me down the toilet when she went into labor, she should have "slunked" me whatever that is. Everyday I heard I was only any good when I was a baby. She would beat me,and I would have to stay home from school because of welts on my face, and told not to tell my dad or I would really get it when he went back to work! Now I know why she hated/hates me, she blamed me for his perversion. Rather than admit she had made a BAD choice, it was easier to blame me. I thought confronting her would make things better,but,alas,it has made it worse. One can't rationalize with insanity. She would do anything to keep THAT secret, even murder me as she tried when I was small, and she held a pillow over my head on the bed. Now I know WHY. It took 60 years, but now I know. I had no siblings to share her rage with, Thank God, people like her should NEVER have children. We are only as sick as the secrets we keep. I see that now.

Wow - it is difficult to read what you have posted. Living it? I can't imagine. Yes, some people are pure evil. Others allow evil to exist and continue, and that makes them evil.

But that's another topic.

I realize you are concerned about what your school mates from the past think about you at reunions. Maybe they think you're a bad person; maybe they don't. It's not about who you were then, good, bad or indifferent, or what they understand and think - or don't understand and think. It's who you are today. It's what people who know you today think of you. Yes, we can never shed our past. As you know, you can rise above your past. It appears that you have to a great extent.

You seem to be concerned with achieving acceptance. That may never be possible where your mother is concerned. It's a harsh truth but it very well may be the truth.

I'd say go into some sort of group. I don't know if you would benefit but it's good to get things out and the other people who come into contact with, share experiences, would greatly benefit from your insight. You could be very helpful to other people and help yourself at the same time.

What would I do? I'd try to accept that your mother is missing a "compassion" chip, took your father's behavior out on you, considered you, a child, to be his co-conspirator. I can't imagine what else went on in their marriage. I'm not excusing her but...

I'd deal with your mother on my terms. If you can, deal with her. If you can't, don't. Maybe you can deal with her today but not tomorrow. I'd make no advance plans but would take it on a day-by-day what can you handle basis.

I had an extremely toxic relative (nothing like you've described) who caused nothing but problems. My family was like a live chessboard with her pitting us against each other. I walked away a very long time ago. When she died I mourned the life she could have had, not her death. Sometimes you come to grips with things however you can.

I hope this makes sense to you. I was incredibly touched by what you posted, what you've been through, how clearly you explain it.

Yes, you could be a big help to other people who have problems and are troubled. Have you ever thought about that aspect?

Yes, I have. Helping others going through,struggling with,and never being quite able to reach their potential because of the evil in their pasts, would help me to not only make some sense of all this, but also help me to contribute to good thus make my life seem much less wasted.

Yes! Of course I would love to help others, even a little bit to deal with, recover from and/or otherwise SURVIVE, the same issues I have. Putting something so terrible to work contributing to wellness, not sickness, would be very gratifying.

Perhaps, somehow, help others not to waste their precious time on this earth grieving what they never had nor ever will have. The pain is incredible, suicidal type pain. I was like that, suicidal, until I realized that what she wants is me out of the way.

I live in the State of New Mexico, where Baby Brianna was murdered. I shed tears for her, and wondered HOW could her parents and grandparents have done that to that beautiful baby girl. I cry for the babes pain, and I think,if I had known I would have done something!

There is so much pain in this world, if I can help relieve at least a little, I gladly shall.