I am a woman in my early 30s. I am in psychotherapy for a variety of issues. Depression was crippling me. I have an issue I am unable to talk to anyone about. I did some very bad things as a minor. I was uncaring, unloving, and cruel. I took out my lack of empathy on innocents. But I made a decision as an adult to live life a different way and I have. I would never repeat those choices again. I am no longer the same person. I want to live freely, but my guilt and disgust with myself and my past is unbearable. I don't know what to do.

Choux

Go apologize to those you think you hurt.

Just a reminder, as children, we are not as powerful as we think we are.
Even as adults dealing with adults.

Wondergirl

Your therapist is exactly the person to talk with about those things you have kept secret. If you can't voice them, write them down and give that to the therapist to read while you are there or after you have gone home.

KalFour

Hi Gem,
As there is anonymity on this forum, do you feel that you could tell us a few more details? You don't have to say anything you don't want to, but it's difficult to give advice when we don't know the circumstances.
Also, your therapist (presumably) has a confidentiality agreement, so would be unable to repeat anything you say to him.
And you were a child when you did those things. You ARE a different person now. The fact that you can feel guilty proves that. We've all done things that we regret, but you can't let it rule your life.
And as you were a child when these things occurred, chances are the legal ramifications wouldn't be a big issue. Actions committed as a minor that you freely admit to are not likely to get you any kind of criminal record.

Take care,

Kal

Wondergirl

The therapist has taken a pledge of confidentiality. Your secrets are safe there.

If you fear something from him, ask him what his policy is if you want to talk about something you (or someone) did that's illegal.

Wondergirl

The child abuse was years ago. He cannot report you for that--only for current abuse.

You are suffering a great deal of pain. You can't forgive yourself. The only way to find healing is to open up about your past.

What do you think?

Gem07

Thanks so much for your help. I deleted my follow-up posts, I felt very exposed and vulnerable. I'm obviously not ready to deal with this, even on an anonymous level. Thank you for the compassion everyone. I was feeling quite suicidal, but am now thinking that I will reach out to my therapist when I'm ready.

N0help4u

It is always good to turn negative things into positive.
Maybe join a support group where people are in the same boat on at least one of your issues.
or start a book about how you went from where you were as a kid to how you reconditioned you to where you are now and where you want to be later in life. You know, like all the obstacles you have overcome in your life. Even if you never got it printed you would have something in black and white to show you that you are empowered and have inner strength. What we did as kids can often be hurtful, but it is the lessons we learn along the way to become who we are now that counts.
As you said many don't even remember and it would be opening stuff that is better left alone. Reconcile within yourself that the kid you once were is not the adult you.
Write a list of all the things you are now that that child never could be if she had kept on the same path and I bet you come up with a list with a lot of inner strength things.

s_cianci

It is important to be able to forgive yourself. And continue on with the therapy that's enabling you to uncover the issues that led you to do the things you did in your youth. You may want to include the topic of self-forgiveness in your on-going sessions with your therapist. Is there some way you can come to some sort of closure with the people you wronged? You don't provide too many details about what you actually did and that's OK. But could you maybe "make it up to them" somehow, so to speak? That could help you bring about some closure and assist you in the healing process.

Gem07

Thanks for the kind words. But I really think your words would not be so compassionate if you knew the truth. For example (and these are just examples), if I said I murdered someone when I was 14 and no one found out, would you still say, "Forgive yourself"? If I said I raped someone when I was 16 and no one found out, would you still say, "Turn that negative into a positive"? If I said I committed arson at age 17 and no one found out, would you still ask me to find closure?

It is easy to be compassionate when you don't know the whole story. That is why I am afraid to reveal the truth. Anyone on this site would recoil in horror if they knew the truth. That's why I'm stuck alone.

I see people convicted for crimes that happened decades ago. People can still be prosecuted years and years later. The law does not ask if you have changed and why you did what you did. The law only sees that you did something wrong and justice must be served. Forgiveness and compassion rarely enter the picture with heinous crimes. Many people would label me sick or evil or a monster. And that is simply not who I am anymore, if you ask me.