I am sick and tired of trying to live up to other peoples expectations. I'm sick of always trying to please people, and trying not to dissapoint them because it brings me nothing. How can I learn to say no to people.
When you want to say no say no i had the same problem...it got to the point that i exploded and had a nervous breakdown... because i let everyone walk all over me ..so please just think about yourself for once i had to to make myself healthier
you have what is a co-dependant personality well kind of, you live to help and please others but not your self which is really unhealthy, you can sit and talk to your friends and tell them how you feel or you can practice saying no its really hard but once one can do it then you'll be fine it takes a lot of self control even I myself have a very hard time saying no but if you dont do something then its going to break you down. let the people you cant say no to, know how you feel they should understand if they are close to you..
I am sick and tired of trying to live up to other peoples expectations. I'm sick of always trying to please people, and trying not to dissapoint them because it brings me nothing. How can I learn to say no to people.
Sounds like you are being a little hard on yourself rex.
Has this been ALL your life?Or just an issue of late?
Look at this site and see yourself in the setting of boundries.
It has brought me a great piece of mind when I have tough issues to deal with and don't think I can handle them(Especially when I had the impossible standards I used to live by)
You have answered questions in this site,others see you as an asset,when are you going to see what these others see?
NO ONE IS PERFECT(you should see the red underlines under most of my posts telling me how bad I am spelling... )
I am also going to look for a site I had for perfectionism,I think it will help you see the folly of trying to be too perfect.
Many people who have problems with saying no, live in a madeup illusion. Because they are very positive people by nature, they think that (mostly) the rest of the world will be the same, but this is not necessarily true. These illusions make them think that the only right thing is to be positive, act positive and say yes. They are positive people and think that the rest of the world will do the same for them when it's needed.
Sad but true, they will have to wait for a very long time for the people around them to return their willingness and help. Sometimes people do, but very often they don't. This is a very draining situation.
The only one to change this pattern is the person her/ himself. One have to take action and know that people around one will NOT change. If you want change you will have to make it yourself.
In this regard it could be helpful to answer a few questions. You can answer them here if you like, and get guidance along the way, or you can answer them to yourself and let the thought processes it leads you through make you able to make the change you need in the end.
I'll start with this one:
For how long have you been a person who can't say no?
I haven't always felt like this. But I feel sometimes like there is so much expected of me from my parents. Like at school I get pretty good marks(usually) and my parents don't really have a reaction to my good marks, but If I get bad ones, then they do react. Like last year I got 98% on my final math midterm, and my mom said that's great and my dad said nothing, I don't even think he was lstening to me when I said it. But when I got a 72% in history the other day, my dad asked why. I've always tried my best in school so my parents would have one thing less to worry about. But I can't really remember doing anything in the last year for me! And wht really pisses me off is that I do everything for my parents, and then when I need help, there is no one there. I'm just having a hard time with my dad's drinking, my mom's sickness and my brothers gone. I'm sure that I'd be crazy by now if it weren't for my dog Rex.
A lot of alcoholics are without compassion and the children of drunks pay the price for their habit.
My mother has this problem,she lives on pain patches and drinks daily,the mix is potentially deadly.An alcoholic(weather they admit to the problem or live in denial) won't be very receptive or responsive with support,the disease makes the idea of feelings and support for others a non issue.
Your brother left the house when?Not long ago,by your comments,and now you are the brunt of the dysfunction.That probably seem unfair to you,trying to live up to others unrealistic standards.
Look through the site I posted on boundries and begin to develop a set of personal 'rules' which the behavior of your parents has to comply to.I don't know your age,but good boundries aren't an age issue,they are a human issue.
If your dad is non responsive to your needs for acceptance,accepting you for your accomplishments and failings,you need to communicate this to him,explain how the cold shoulder has upset you when you do well,and that you are unhappy when you fall short(of your own potential,and his perception of your potential) Communication is key to learning the boundries and their effects.
Your mother is sick?Does this leave you with responsibilities outside the 'normal'? Are you feeling pressured to take care of her?Is you dads drinking causing the sickness more stress which you are now responsible for?
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