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my husband strayed and dealing with such a guilt that just avoiding me.
My husband and I were both in bad and abusive marriages earlier. We met and started sharing a very good understanding during that time, started dating after 6 months of frindship. Though his marriage was almost broken, I also ended my marriage, and we started being together. We are together since then, it was 2007 November. We had seen ups and downs in our relation, we had gone through problems at work, but always supported each other.
He had informed all family and friends about this relation and took the 1st step to propose me to marriage. We got married just this August, not even 3 months back. I trusted him blindly, I had heard of blind love and ended up proving that it exists. His father had an extra marital relationship, which had greatly impacted their family and then his ex went around with other guys..he always hated the idea of cheating, I also believed he had strong principle.
We had a bad fight on him lying suring 2nd week of September and he ended up beating me black and blue. After that everything changed, I don't know what went wrong, but something went very wrong. He started behaving aloof and kept telling me I cant see you this way suffering.
After that things changed completely, he started returning home after I have gone to bed (i leave for work early), started avoiding eating at home. Once a while he would just say 'hope nothing goes wrong', we had a very open relation and never hid mobiles, he started doing that too. Which indicated to me that he certainly was seeing someone else. But just for my blind trust I kept assuring myself he is stressed (he has just started his business...and planning to quit his job) over settleing down and also he is regretting raising hand on me.
But in spite of having this blind trust, my head started alarming. and I found out he is going around with a girl, who had just come down for an exchange study from another country for 3 months. He was travelling then, I tried getting in touch with him but didnt get through. I sent out an email to the girl saying she can completely have him, and I don't mind. Then texted my husband saying that I know everything, informed the girl and asked him not to come back again if he is in love with her. I did go insane, it was a hard blow on my faith and my life had just ended.
He called me up later in the morning, and confessed that it was going on for past 2 weeks. I expressed to him that its easier for me accept a physical fling than an emotional infedility. He promised to come clean. This girl knew that he is married but didnt know that we were together and were happy just few days before the fight. He went and confessed everything to the girl and returned home. He was ashamed, full of guilt and couldn't look at my eyes, but answered all my question. For me it didnt take a minute to forgive him, because may be the fault was from my part too.
Though he returned, he was dealing with pain and guilt that he was not normal. So i asked him to go and stay in another house,(his sister's house which is vacant at this point of time), I told him to take time and then decide. I had to do this to gain my trust back, I didn't want him to be with me just for his guilt, I also want him to realise if he still meets up with the girl. So for past 10 days he is staying separately, I see a change in his behavior, he is keeping in touch with me. I met him for lunch a day back , he told he is very guilty and failed to be loyal..he is saying how can I trust him again.
This is my situation.....I love this man dearly and if he was just my friend I would have handled his situation better, that's the limitation of a wife I guess. I am extremely hurt but I can't see him pain........I want to start afresh.
Guys....please tell me....I am doing the right thing trying to start afresh, do you think he will be trustworthy? I am looking for comments and suggestions.....which will make me think and decide better. we are not together now....so breaking up will be easier....help!!!
I find this statement says it all: "My husband and I were both in bad and abusive marriages earlier. We met and started sharing a very good understanding during that time, started dating after 6 months of frindship. [b]Though his marriage was almost broken, I also ended my marriage, and we started being together."
He cheated on his first wife with you; now you think he's cheating on you with someone else. I'll bet his wife thought he was happy, too.
If you trust him and forgive him, then move on.
You knew who/what he was when you married him so I fail to see why you're shocked by his behavior.
I find this statement says it all: "My husband and I were both in bad and abusive marriages earlier. We met and started sharing a very good understanding during that time, started dating after 6 months of frindship. [b]Though his marriage was almost broken, I also ended my marriage, and we started being together."
He cheated on his first wife with you; now you think he's cheating on you with someone else. I'll bet his wife thought he was happy, too.
If you trust him and forgive him, then move on.
You knew who/what he was when you married him so I fail to see why you're shocked by his behavior.
In his 1st marriage, his wife wanted to leave him..I had witnessed that. She wanted space and live in another house. So she did think he loved her but she wasn't happy, neither him..that's the confusion
In his 1st marriage, his wife wanted to leave him..I had witnessed that. She wanted space and live in another house. So she did think he loved her but she wasn't happy, neither him..that's the confusion
So he was married and you were married when your relationship started? She WANTED to leave him but didn't do so until after the two of you were dating - ?
And you?
I repeat - he was married and dating you. You were married and dating him. You both got divorced. You married each other. He's continuing his same behavior, just with another woman.
Don’t worry. You are on the right path. But your husband is not! He is suffering from guilt. Guilt is almost a deadly disease.
***Guilt is one of the most powerful emotions around. It holds us in bondage, isolates us and alters how we look at the world. Guilt allows for no forgiveness. Guilt makes us feel like we are bad. We blame ourselves for things we may have had no control over. Guilt causes us to punish ourselves and in turn everyone around us. We withdraw from life to torture ourselves.*** - and this is exactly what your husband is undergoing now.
The fact that he is feeling so, shows that he is feeling bad for what he has done, and he desperately wants to prove to be trustworthy, if you would allow him to. So, try not to be pushy around him and give him ample space and time… You have forgiven him, so, show that you have forgiven him by being very normal, and allow him to feel forgiven. Do not overdo your love for him; cause that might cause him to think that he is unworthy of your love, and that might make him pull away from you…. Overtime, I am sure he will become normal, and all that you have to do is to give him support, be normal and a very good friend to him, and show him that you have really forgiven him. Confidence and real mature love on a solid foundation will grow over time.
And definitely, do pray for him. There is no situation or heart that the Lord Jesus cannot change. He is the author and finisher of our faith. There is no guilt or sin or shame that the Lord cannot forgive. Lead your husband to Christ, the real Forgiver and the Comforter…and enjoy His grace and mercy to be free from guilt, shame and bitterness.
"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved." (Psalm 55:22)
Judy is not the OP she is one of the experts here and has posted replies to this thread.
I d like to add,your husband,the one who cheats on his wives, has beaten you black and blue you say-that's when you run for the hills.
Abuse of any kind is just NOT acceptable.
Leave him,and get your selfrespect back instead of making excuses for his behaviour.
We had a bad fight on him lying suring 2nd week of September and he ended up beating me black and blue. After that everything changed, I don't know what went wrong, but something went very wrong. He started behaving aloof and kept telling me I cant see you this way suffering.
He lied to YOU and then he beat YOU black and blue and he has cheated on YOU !
My dear,this man is a wife beater and a liar and a cheater and if you stay with him you will have more of the same.The best indication of future behavior is past behavior.He has proven what kind of person he is.
He may throw you crumbs of affection to keep you as his plan B,and play the part of the loving spouse when it suits him but that is not love.That is manipulation by a selfish person who wants you at his convenience.Plan B ,in case his other flings don't amount to anything.
The violence will most likely escalate (it usually does).
The pattern of cheating and forgiveness will continue because you are allowing him to do it by sitting back and taking it.
You should have left the second he put his hands on you!
I think you were not emotionally ready for this relationship when you entered into it and I think you are so desperate to have a man in your life ,you are willing to sacrifice your self esteem and happiness for the crumbs he tosses your way to keep you his prisoner. His plan B.
Take your life back ,he is using and abusing you and it is toxic and you have no future.This relationship will bring you nothing but pain!
My husband and I were both in bad and abusive marriages earlier.
Adding to my previous comment I would say you need to ask yourself why you continue to go from one abusive relationship to another.
I think you would benefit from counseling for yourself so that you can come to understand why this pattern is repeating itself in your life.
You deserve to be in a relationship that is healthy and also need to learn that you must be happy alone first and foremost in order to ever be whole enough as a person to have a successful relationship.
Adding to my previous comment I would say you need to ask yourself why you continue to go from one abusive relationship to another.
I think you would benefit from counseling for yourself so that you can come to understand why this pattern is repeating itself in your life.
You deserve to be in a relationship that is healthy and also need to learn that you must be happy alone first and foremost in order to ever be whole enough as a person to have a successful relationship.
It would certainly appear that there is a pattern here - marriage, abuse, cheating, marriage, abuse, cheating.
OP has to see herself AND her partner (or potential partner) with clear vision and stop making excuses, candy coating the relationship.
I didn't start this thread. Someone else did. Did you bother to read before you answered?
And as far as this goes: "And definitely, do pray for him. There is no situation or heart that the Lord Jesus cannot change. He is the author and finisher of our faith. There is no guilt or sin or shame that the Lord cannot forgive. Lead your husband to Christ, the real Forgiver and the Comforter…and enjoy His grace and mercy to be free from guilt, shame and bitterness."
- this is info for a religious board. And please keep in mind that not everyone who posts is Christian so your words can be offensive.
We blame ourselves for things we may have had no control over. Guilt causes us to punish ourselves and in turn everyone around us. We withdraw from life to torture ourselves.*** - and this is exactly what your husband is undergoing now.
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