My sister is a 53 yr old surgical nurse with a history of depression. She married in her thirties and since then our relationship has changed a great deal from being good friends to barely contacting one another. Over years she has had less of a relationship with the entire family as her husband considers us to be bellow his standards. When they married he was working a high end sales job but he was soon fired when he was caught golfing rather than working on several occasions. Since then he has had a couple of jobs but for the past 5 years has given up work saying that my sister wants him to stay home... she says nothing. When she takes a day off she has to get up and pretend to go to work so he doesn't know... he encourages her to work overtime and take call at all times it is offered and has told her that she cannot afford to retire when she had planned to at 55 because she needs to support them both. He sits on the computer and plays or watches TV while she shovels the driveway, or works in the yard... he has complained about family members going over to help her out with her work because they sometimes do not finish the job. This man hid in his house while his neighbor did his lawn with a rented airator so he would only have to pay half the rental but not do the work. She has struggled with depression for years and it is now, once again at a critical point and she has had to go off work. If we call to see how she is and he answers the phone he tells us that she died, this has happened a lot and has shocked my 82 yr old mother, he thinks its funny. She has several loving nephews and nieces who used to love to call and see her but they now face an uncle who wastes no time in asking them why they never show up or call and how mean they are to her... so they avoid them both and he plays it up. Her husband was asked to an appointment with a phyciatrist with her last week then called relatives to let them know that the doctor thought he was a good husband and the depression was all on our shoulders. He has called her his ' cash cow' or 'meal ticket' and says that she is worried he'll leave her but he assures her that he'll stay as long as the money is coming in. He watches their bank account when she's out anywhere... she was going to buy him a new wedding band as a gift but she had to wait till the day before their anniversary to purchase it so he'd only have one day to quiz her on where the money went. He is verbally abusive to my 84 yr old father who has altzheimers. I have been told that she wants to confront me on why I don't want to be around him and cannot get along with him and I am debating on how to deal with it... anytime I say anything our relationship gets worse and he plays off like I'm not nice to him... I just ignore him for the most part. I was in an abusive marriage for 11 yrs... and am now, after 13 yrs single, in a healthy marriage so I may be more sensitive to all this... any advice?. please... I'm at my witts end...

Your sister is the kind of woman who feels like she has to have a husband no matter how destructive he is is to her emotional condition. If she wants to live in a state of delusion about her marriage, I don't know how you can be a positive influence on her... any positive talk is a threat to her.

Now, the brother in law seems to be a real sick man... is he an alcoholic or drug addict now in response to losing his job? His behavior is outrageous, and he is out of touch with reality running his game on everyone.

I would hire a private detective to "get the goods" on this guy. He probably will come up with something very surprising that could be used as a wedge to separate this loser from your entire family... :)